Memories of the Heart
by Lady S
Summary: The heart always remembers. *COMPLETE*


TITLE: Memories of the Heart  
  
AUTHOR: Lady S  
  
E-MAIL: ladysewalton@yahoo.com  
  
SUMMARY: Nope... sorry, I can't sum it up without giving  
absolutely everything away. Let's just say that I  
hope that by the end of the story, everyone is happily  
holding their hand to their chest with a small sigh  
and teary eyes. ;o)  
  
DISCLAIMER: Catherine Marshall's beautiful story of  
Christy is owned by the Marshall-LeSourd Family,  
L.L.C. We are in no way seeking profit or credit for  
her story. We are continuing the story of Christy for  
our own amusement only. Any additions in story line  
and characters were invented by the writers of the  
alt.tv.christy Round Robin and the Christy Mailing  
List. The content of each story is the responsibility  
of the individual writer. The fanfic here is being  
posted as a service to the Christy mailing list, Pax  
Christy Forum and Alt.tv.christy News Group.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE'S: I've opted to write Neil's "voice"  
normally. We all know how wonderful he sounds with  
his Scottish Brogue, but frankly, for me anyway, it's  
a major pain to try and figure out how to spell, so  
try and imagine it in your head... like I do! :oD  
  
  
  
  
  
Prologue: Memories of the Heart  
  
  
Standing on the platform in El Pano I watch the train  
approaching, the thick plume of black smoke filling  
the air, hanging behind like a diminishing line in the  
sky. The chilling sting of winter nipped at my nose  
but the steam from the train blanketed me with a  
sudden burst of warmth. Sadly it left all too  
quickly, allowing the cold to settle back over my body  
and a small shiver traipsed up and down my spine.   
Immediately the arms that were around me tightened,  
offering me their warmth though I knew he needed it as  
much as I did.  
  
"Are you sure you're going to be all right, Lass?"  
  
"I'll be fine, Neil, I've made this trip countless  
number of times."  
  
I could feel his lips smile as he kissed my hair. "I  
know you have. Can't a man worry about his fiancé?"   
  
"Mmm... say that again."  
  
Neil laughed, his arms tightening even more, but I  
didn't mind the pressure. "My fiancé." Letting go of  
me he picked up the small bag I was carrying to  
Asheville while another man lifted my trunk.  
  
Oh how I did so love to hear that. Even though it had  
been nearly four months now I never got tired of  
hearing it. One more week and I would be Mrs. Neil  
MacNeill. We were going to be married in Asheville so  
that my father could give me away but then we'd return  
to Cutter Gap for a proper mountain ceremony. It was  
the only way we could appease our friends and family  
in the cove as well as my own family in the city. I  
watched Neil hand my bags to the baggage man before he  
turned back to face me once more. There was only one  
thing wrong.  
  
"I still wish you could come with me now."  
  
"I know, but I'll be there in two days and then we'll  
be together for the rest of our lives."  
  
Now how can I not smile when he says things like that?  
Letting my love shine through my smile I reach up  
with my arms, standing on tiptoe as high as I can, and  
wrap my arms around him. Neil lowers his mouth to  
mine in a farewell kiss, his arms once more encircling  
my waist, drawing me closer to him. I could feel the  
warmth he exuded through all our many layers and my  
heart clinched. This was the first time we would be  
apart by our own decision, not because of a medical  
emergency.  
  
"All aboard!"  
  
Though he pulled his mouth from mine Neil wrapped his  
arms around me even tighter, crushing me to him for a  
moment before lifting me and turning around. When I  
was on my own feet again I stood at eyes level with  
him on the second step of the train. Neil smiled at  
me but I could see that this was as hard on him as it  
was on me. Neither one of us wanted to part ways.   
Leaning forward I kissed him once more, whispering "I  
love you," before the conductor pushed me back into  
car of the train.  
  
from my seat on the train I looked out the window to  
see him smiling at me from the platform. The train  
jerked once, twice, three times and we were rolling  
down the tracks. Waving to him until I could see my  
love no more I settled back into my seat, blinking  
quickly to keep my tears at bay. Staring at the  
snow-covered tree limbs as they rolled by I tried to  
force my mind onto happier thoughts. I was getting  
married!  
  
Although the train had been relatively empty at El  
Pano it began to fill as we passed through another  
station. It would only be a little while until we  
pulled into Asheville and my father would greet me at  
the train station with open arms for his 'girlie'.   
Across the aisle I saw a young man, tall and lanky,  
and before I could stop myself I found my thoughts  
dwelling on David. That horrible day was forever  
burned in my mind, the day when both he and Neil had  
met me in the schoolyard, one man offering me a ring,  
the other one offering his heart.  
  
It was then that many of the pieces in my puzzle fit  
together and I began to see my future. I would never  
leave the cove, not like I knew David would want to  
eventually. But more importantly I knew, once and for  
all, that I didn't love him. I had handed David back  
his ring and told Neil to go home to his wife before  
running away into the woods to cry alone. I had  
thought I was alone; it turned out that Fairlight had  
followed me. Together we sat on a fallen log and she  
held me while I cried, never saying a word, just being  
there for me as the true friend that she was.  
  
That night, when I finally made it back to the mission  
house well after dark, I was told by Ruby Mae that  
David had left for good and, entering the main room, I  
saw Neil standing next to the fire, Alice sobbing on  
the davenport to the one side. Margaret had killed  
herself. There had been a small funeral and Miss  
Alice went off on a retreat for a few weeks to be  
alone while she mourned her daughter. I was alone at  
the mission, Ruby Mae off with Bessie, when Dan Scott  
had come riding up. Creed was hurt and Dan couldn't  
find Neil. Together we raced for the Allen cabin and  
by the time we got there the stars had risen high in  
the sky.  
  
Through the night I worked side by side with Daniel  
until, just as we both had given up hope, Creed woke  
and we knew he would be okay. But a question still  
rang out in my head. Where was Neil? I had to find  
out so, as tired as I was, I had gone to his cabin to  
find him. Opening the door I had searched the entire  
cabin only to find he wasn't there. Too tired to keep  
walking I sat down for a moment to rest,  
unintentionally falling asleep in the giant chair by a  
cold fireplace.   
  
When I woke up I was lying down on what felt like a  
pile of feathers, a quilt covering me, soft pillow  
beneath my head. Looking around I knew this wasn't my  
room. I could faintly smell pipe tobacco and that was  
when I recognized the room from my one previous visit.  
It was Neil's bedroom. Lifting the quilt I searched  
for my shoes but couldn't find them. Padding down the  
stairs I saw Neil sitting in a chair, staring at the  
now roaring fire, his face brooding, contemplating  
something I could only guess at.  
  
That night we spent many hours talking. Never before  
had I had such a conversation with him, with anyone  
for that matter. Through the night, well on into the  
morning we talked until, when the sun was high in the  
sky again, I went home to the mission. That one night  
had sparked the turning point in our relationship. I  
had always considered the doctor to be a friend,  
albeit a frustrating, egotistical, infuriating one,  
but a friend none the less. It wasn't long until I  
got to truly know the man behind the doctor and I knew  
without a doubt where my heart belonged.  
  
For three months he courted me. Walks by the river,  
rides through the fields, dinner under the stars,  
dancing on his porch, picnic lunches every Saturday.   
It wasn't long until he asked me to marry him and I  
agreed, with all my heart.  
  
Pulling myself from my reverie I lifted the necklace  
that hung over my blouse, staring at the intricate  
design. No bigger than a child's palm it was a silver  
pendant, aged by time, the symbol of the Clan MacNeill  
of Scotland, an 'M' carved in the very center. Neil  
had given it to me the night he asked me to marry him,  
telling me that the necklace was worn only by the  
women of his clan. His mother had worn it as her  
mother had, and hers before that and now it was mine  
to wear. One day it would be passed down to our  
daughter, she would pass it to hers, and on down the  
line. With loving fingers I traced the pattern,  
smiling at all it represented; family, love,  
friendship, past, present, and future.  
  
Suddenly the train jerked harshly, I could hear the  
sound of the train brakes squealing, wood splintering,  
metal brushing, scraping, and sparking against metal.   
A woman at the head of the car peered out the window  
and a scream tore from her throat. No sooner had the  
piercing sounds began than they were overwhelmed by  
the sound of a crash and I was tossed form my seat  
along with every other passenger on board.   
  
The train was crashing!  
  
Trying to stand I made it to shaky feet only to be  
tossed back to the floor as something hit me from  
behind. Pain exploded in my head, stars danced before  
my eyes even as darkness crept into my vision. Lying  
on the floor of the train car I was too dazed to move,  
too shocked to grab onto something as I felt the  
boxcar begin to roll, windows breaking with a tinkling  
sound as pieces of the glass hit one another before  
falling onto us. Screams were loud and long as women,  
children and men alike were tossed around like rag  
dolls in a box.  
  
As suddenly as it began the movement ceased and the  
world was still once more. The window next to me was  
gone and I crawled to it, my head pounding with every  
beat of my racing heart. Once outside I got my feet  
and saw a blurry image of the train, crumpled like an  
accordion, half on half off the tracks; a twisting  
snake of metal and wood. The air was filled with a  
pungent smell; I knew it from somewhere but I couldn't  
put a name to it. No sooner had I picked up that  
smell than another pushed its way to my senses.   
  
Smoke.  
  
There was a fire.  
  
Looking up and down I saw a small stream of liquid  
making its way over the snow and suddenly I remembered  
what the first smell was. Gasoline. The train had  
been carrying large tanks of gasoline to be shipped to  
Asheville for the city cars. The thin brownish liquid  
was making its way toward me and I knew I should get  
away from it. Before I could take another painful  
step the nightmare unfolded its last hideous act.  
  
The fire was spreading and within seconds it would  
reach the tanks of gasoline. I had to run. Without a  
second thought I turned, running as the screams of  
those still trapped echoed in my head, accompanying me  
as I ran into the woods. No sooner than I had entered  
the forest than a loud explosion filled the air, fire  
bursting forth into the sky like fireworks. Even from  
the distance I could feel the sudden heat of the  
explosion.  
  
The first one still burning another explosion burst  
out as the second tank became engulfed in flames, the  
third not long after. I needed to escape the heat  
from the burning fire and I kept running, away from  
the fire, away from the screams of those burning alive  
in the flames. Tears coursing down my face I could  
feel them freezing on my cheeks. I needed to find  
shelter; I needed to get help.   
  
I needed Neil.  
  
How long I walked I don't know but there was nothing  
left in me. I swore I couldn't take another step but  
somehow I kept going. Calling on God I prayed for him  
to help me, to sustain me long enough to find help, a  
cabin, shelter, something. Stumbling over a rock I  
fell into the snow. All I wanted to do was lie there,  
but I knew I couldn't. Forcing myself to my feet I  
kept on, tripping and falling several more times, each  
time becoming harder and harder to pick myself up.  
  
Once more I tripped, falling to the ground in the  
middle of a small clearing. Trying to raise myself up  
I couldn't, there was nothing left. My head was on  
fire, a burning searing pain gripping it with each  
pulse, each beat sending out another wave of pain.   
Somehow I knew that this was it. 'Oh dear God,' I  
prayed in my head. 'Let my family remember how much I  
love them.'  
  
Lying in the snow a blessed numbness took over and I  
no longer felt any pain. As it had on the train a  
calming blackness began to creep over my vision until  
I could see nothing. As I wrapped myself in this  
blanket of darkness I spoke one last word to the harsh  
cold woods that surrounded me.  
  
"Neil..."  
  
'I love you.'  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter One  
  
  
Pain.  
  
Throbbing pain was the first thing to claim my senses  
as I woke. I wanted to put my hand to my head but I  
couldn't, they were pinned by the quilt wrapped around  
me. Moaning I felt something cool pressed against my  
forehead. Using all the energy I had in me I cracked  
open my eyes and saw a woman sitting over me, her long  
raven hair falling over her shoulder as she smiled  
down at me. She was a beautiful woman, high  
cheekbones, strong jaw, but it was her gray eyes that  
held my attention as they smiled down at me.  
  
"Rest little lost one," she whispered to me.  
  
Who was this woman?  
  
As much as I wanted answers her face disappeared as my  
eyes closed and I found myself drifting off into  
blackness. This darkness was a comfort ending the  
pain I felt all over my body. Warmth filled me and I  
was soon fast asleep once more.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
The fire, I could feel it burning my skin, lapping  
against it as though I were made of wood. The heat.   
The heat was unbearable! It hurt, so much; incredible  
pain filled my body. When I thought I could take no  
more, when a scream began to build within me, a hand  
suddenly reached down to pick me up, cradling me  
against their chest, safe from the fire. I tried to  
see their face but I couldn't. Without words he, it  
was a man- though I don't know how I knew- led me away  
from the fire, through the woods and the forest, along  
a babbling river to a large clearing in the mountains.  
  
This place, I knew this place, the buildings, the  
trees, the small pond, somehow they all seemed  
familiar to me. The man led me to the schoolhouse and  
I could see children, all sitting in a row, each one  
of their faces beaming up at me. I sat down behind a  
desk laden down with bundles of flowers and small  
baskets of apples, all shiny and red, perfect little  
apples from perfect little children.  
  
I stood, picked up a small little white lump and  
turned to face the children again but they were gone.   
In each row I saw women, men, bloodied, burned, each  
one staring at me with unseeing eyes. Suddenly they  
stood and approached me, their eyes accusing me as a  
fire burned within them. Backing away I couldn't go  
any farther but they kept coming, advancing until they  
were so close I could feel the heat from the fire that  
burned in their eyes. Reaching out the smeared their  
blood over my face and clothes until I was as bloody  
and burned as them, red mixing with black.  
  
Two men clamped their hands over my wrists; pulling me  
out of the room with them, back through the woods to  
the fire that still burned. Behind the large crowd,  
unable to reach me the man that had saved me tried to  
get to me but he couldn't. I heard him yelling out to  
me as he was taken away by two of the men, his voice  
resounding in my head, 'I love you; I will find you!'   
With a push and a shove I was thrown back into the  
fire, flames burning my clothes, my hair, my skin, the  
pain searing itself though my body. A scream built  
within my body as I fought the pain until it burst  
out, echoing over the roar of the fire.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
"Hush now, you're safe!"  
  
The same gentle voice I'd heard before sounded out  
now, whispers and soothing words of safety, pulling me  
from the fire that roared and flamed in my mind. My  
throat was raw and I realized I must have screamed  
even as I realized it had only been a dream, a  
nightmare. Tears stung at my eyes and rolled down the  
side of my face only to be wiped away by a gentle  
hand.  
  
"You're okay now, dearheart. You don't have anything  
to be afraid of."  
  
Opening my eyes I saw the woman from before, her raven  
hair and gray eyes a small comfort as her words sunk  
in through the haze of my mind. I was safe. Safe  
from what? My brow drew in confusion. Safe from my  
nightmare? The woman smiled down at me, wiping away a  
tear that lingered on my face.  
  
"My name is Jira, my husband found you collapsed in  
the woods and brought you here to me. You had been  
hurt and you were frozen through. Thanks be to God  
that I was able to warm you, though I was afraid I  
would lose you still when the fever set in. You were  
delirious with it, I've never heard a woman scream  
so."  
  
Looking up at her for a moment I let my gaze slide  
around the room. Simple wooden walls, floor and  
ceiling also, though they had been decorated with  
scraps of leather hide strung together in a  
beautifully intricate design and various dried herbs  
and utensils hung from every available space. From  
the bed I lay in I could tell that the ceiling was  
low, so low that only a child would be able to stand  
up straight. Who would build a room this way? I  
couldn't help but wonder at the room and why the  
builder had built it so.  
  
Shifting my gaze back to the woman I scrutinized her  
carefully, looking past the beauty I had seen at  
first. Though I could not tell if she were old or  
young I saw the crinkled lines around her eyes and  
knew she was a happy woman, one who loved to smile and  
laugh. Her hands pressed a cool cloth to my forehead  
and I could see that they were work worn yet with a  
soft touch that a mother knows only to well. Calluses  
and scars marred her hands yet I found them as  
beautiful as her face; these hands had lived a hard  
life, but not so hard that they had lost their sense  
of gentleness and peace.  
  
While she wiped my face with the cool cloth I studied  
her, this woman named Jira. Her shirt was patched but  
it was clean linen that flowed over her arms,  
billowing with her movements, and was covered by a  
dark shawl, fringed with long strands that fell in  
ripples over her blouse. Though I couldn't tell the  
color her skirt was also clean and in good repair.   
What stood out most of her clothing were the  
accessories that I saw in her ears. One ear held a  
hoop shaped earbob, the other a simple ball, both of  
them silver in color.   
  
"Do you feel up to taking some broth? We are not rich  
people but you are welcome to share our food with us."  
  
"Us?" I asked as she helped me up before lifting the  
spoon to my mouth. The broth was good, warm and  
soothing to my raw throat.  
  
"My family and I. We are a large family so it can be  
difficult to feed everyone in these winter times." I  
looked to the bowl filled with broth with some  
trepidation. I would not take food from these people  
if they themselves needed it. "Don't look like that  
little lost one, broth is one thing we have plenty of  
right now. The men have recently killed a deer and  
this is the broth from the meat. Take some more, you  
need the strength."  
  
I continued accept the broth filled spoon as she told  
me of her family. Jira's father, Paolo, was the man  
in charge of their large family, several actually. It  
was a small community of families that banded  
together, camping in the winter and traveling in the  
summer looking for a new place to live. Though they  
held no relation to them the people Jira called her  
family lived as gypsies. Soon the broth was gone and  
I was beginning to feel tired again. Laying my head  
on the pillow I closed my eyes, listening as Jira  
softly hummed a song while she tucked the quilt in  
over me, once more trapping my arms underneath. The  
sweet melody lulled me into comfort and once more I  
was asleep.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Standing on a large boulder I looked out over the  
horizon and saw the mountain range before me, majestic  
in its shawl of clouds. This was a beautiful place,  
one where I felt as close to God as I could possibly  
be. All around I saw beauty, heard too. In the  
distance I could hear the birds singing in tune with a  
bell as it tolled out its song. Trees were filled  
with autumn's leaves, fruit on the trees ripe and  
ready for the plucking. As I stared out at it all a  
feeling of peace washed over me, so beautiful it made  
me weep.  
  
A strong pair of arms encircled me and I knew it was  
the man I loved. Together we watched the beauty of  
the mountains surrounding us, we were silent, no words  
needed to be said. I could feel his love for me as  
though it were a shawl he wrapped around my shoulder  
to keep the chill of autumn from my bones; safely  
hidden away from the hatred of the world below us.  
  
"I love you," he whispered to me, his voice filled  
with the love he expressed. Turning me around to face  
him I watched as he hung a necklace around my neck, a  
silver pendant aged by time but still shining brightly  
with the love it offered to me. "So long as you wear  
this I will always be with you, no matter where you  
are or how many miles we have been separated by."  
  
Looking up I wished I could see his face, I tried with  
all my might, but I couldn't. Wrapping my arms around  
him I held tightly, clutching his shirt in my hands as  
I tried to get even closer to him, afraid that if I  
didn't he would leave me.   
  
"I love you," I whispered back to him. "With all my  
heart."  
  
Suddenly I was alone once more, watching as the  
mountains I loved so much burst into flames, the trees  
glowing as bright red flames licked away the leaves,  
the fruit, the bark, leaving only burnt stumps behind,  
blood oozing from them to cover the ground until it  
was nothing more than a pool of red. Everything I had  
loved was gone. Raising my hands to cover my face  
against the horrors before me I saw the necklace's  
pendant clutched in my fingers and I remembered his  
words. I knew I would never take this necklace off,  
wearing until the day I died, as I would carry his  
love with me the same.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Opening my eyes I saw that the room was empty.   
Cautiously I worked my arms out from under the quilt  
until they were completely free. Sitting up I fought  
the dizziness that tossed the rook about and sat on  
the edge of the bed. Eyes closed I heard, rather than  
saw, someone enter the room. I was so dizzy the room  
seemed to rock back and forth. Thankfully it stopped  
when Jira settled down next to me.  
  
"You're awake, good. I have some clothes for you to  
change into so that I can wash the ones you wear now.   
They aren't fancy but they're warm against winters  
chill."  
  
Handing me a small bundle of clothes I changed quickly  
while she waited. No sooner were my clothes in her  
hands than she tossed them to a pair of waiting hands  
in the doorway. Smiling at me she handed me a brush,  
motioning for me to brush out my tousled hair.   
Reaching back I ran the brush through only to find  
that the hair stopped just below my ears. It wasn't  
long like Jira's.  
  
"I'm sorry we had to cut your hair, it was beautiful  
but the blood had congealed so that it was impossible  
to wash out."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"You were wounded, your head was bleeding from the  
back and you had the largest pump knot I've ever seen.  
At first I was sure you were going to die, especially  
when the fever set in, but with God's grace you  
recovered and sit before me now, a living, breathing  
woman."  
  
"How did I end up in the woods?" I was so confused.  
  
Jira smiled and shook her head. "We were hoping you  
could tell us that. Apparently you don't know any  
better than we do. Why don't we start with something  
simple? What is your name little lost one?"  
  
My name; a simple thing to recall. Yet why did it  
elude me? Surely I know my own name? Drawing my brow  
in confusion I concentrated on recalling my name.   
Several moments later I looked up at Jira again, tears  
stinging at my eyes. "I don't know," I whispered. "I  
don't know...!"  
  
Sitting on the bed next to me Jira put her arm around  
my shoulders as the tears began to fall. How could I  
not know who I was? Desperately trying to recall  
something about my life all I could remember was  
waking here, with Jira by my side. Before that there  
was nothing, absolutely nothing. Sobbing in her arms  
I clung to Jira, taking the support, the comfort and  
the friendship that she offered me with her silence.  
  
"There, there little lost one. Nothing is completely  
bad. Perhaps God has given you a chance to star anew  
with your life, or mayhap He has another lesson in  
store for you. Only time will tell, but you must  
trust in God to reveal things at the proper time, for  
He is the keeper of all knowledge and when He feels  
the time is right He shall let you know."  
  
Wiping the tears from my eyes with the edge of her  
sleeve she smiled at me, a simple act that filled me  
with hope. She was right; I must be patient. Taking  
a deep breath I calmed my self down and offered a  
small smile in return.  
  
"That's better. Now come with me and I shall  
introduce you to the rest of my family. It is time  
you met them and they you."   
  
Donning my shoes, leaving the small room, I found that  
it wasn't a room at all but rather a wagon of sorts, a  
wooden hard covered wagon. Barely ten feet away a  
door led into a small building, barely bigger than a  
one-room cabin. Entering through the doorway I saw a  
fire blazing at the one end of the room to keep  
winters chill at bay, its heat filling the cabin. I  
stopped in my tracks when I saw that the room was  
filled with people, all sorts, men, women, children,  
all staring back at me.  
  
"This is my family," Jira smiled. Pointing to each  
one she introduced them. "My man, Leeler, and his  
brother Jacob. Jacob's wife Silky and their new babe  
Cotton. The man stoking the fire is my brother Mason  
and that is his girl Celia. Peter and Kenthew,  
Leeler's cousins, and the woman there is Emma, my  
sister. The young'uns are out playing in the snow,  
you'll see them all at supper. These are my parents,  
Ninnette and Paolo. They are the head of our family.   
Mamma, Papa, this is the woman Leeler and Kenthew  
found in the woods."  
  
Both of them nodded, smiling at her with warm eyes.   
"We're glad you are well. For a little while we  
weren't sure if you were going to stay in this world,"  
Ninnette told me, her eyes as kind as Jira's, I could  
see where the daughter got her eyes, the mothers  
colored the same shade of gray. "What is your name  
girl?"  
  
"I don't know," looking down at my hands. "I'm sorry,  
I..."  
  
"Nothing to be sorry for, goodness knows what you were  
running from or what brought ye to the woods. Come;  
sit with me while we eat. Perhaps I will think of a  
name ye agree with before the night is up." Ninnette  
patted the cushion next to her and with a nudge from  
Jira I sat next to the older woman.  
  
Conversation resumed and I listened to them but it was  
soon interrupted again as the children came in from  
the outdoors, their faces bright red and smiling, each  
one growing curious when they saw me sitting next to  
their grandmother. Made to wait until the evening  
meal was over the children watched with curious eyes  
as Jira made the introductions. So many children.   
  
The oldest was Celia, she was sixteen, and then there  
was Skye and his younger sister Marla, the children of  
Jira and Leeler. Jacob and Silky had two children,  
Cotton, a little boy of barely three months, and  
Rashan, their four-year-old son. The only other child  
was Shay, Emma's daughter. Everyone was related in  
some way, one large, happy family. I couldn't help  
but smile.  
  
"I have decided on a name for ye, little lost one."   
Turning I looked at Ninnette as she took my hand in  
hers. "We shall call ye Merry, for the look that  
seems most natural on ye face is that of a smile."  
  
Merry.  
  
I had a name.  
  
I liked it.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Two  
  
  
Jolted awake I lay in the bed, heart racing, as I  
tried to catch my breath. Every night it was the same  
nightmare. Burning fires, screaming people covered in  
blood calling out for me to join them. I knew I  
didn't belong with them but every time I awoke I  
wondered, just where did I belong?  
  
I'd been with Jira and her family for a little over  
four months now and life seemed to be okay, barring  
the nightmares from that decree. I had been working  
side by side in the kitchen with Ninnette and Emma to  
prepare the food brought home by the men. Kenthew was  
an excellent hunter, always bringing a good-sized deer  
with him when he went out; there was always enough for  
everyone to eat.  
  
Getting up from the bed I slipped on my shoes and went  
out into the balmy outdoors, staring up at the stars  
between the trees. I longed to stand by a river and  
stare at the moonlight, though I didn't know why, but  
I contented myself to stay where I was. Even outdoors  
I could hear the shifting of the sleeping people in  
and around the wagons. They were a family to each  
other; did I, too, have a family somewhere? Were  
there people who worried about me? Did they love me  
like Jira, Emma, Jacob, Paolo, Ninnette and all the  
rest did each other?  
  
The night's peace was broken by the screech of an owl  
and I turned to see Jira standing next to me, I hadn't  
even heard her approach. In silence we both stared at  
the peaceful night sky for a little while more.  
  
"It seems that even the darkest times have a beauty to  
them."  
  
I knew she meant more than just the nighttime darkness  
and the beauty of its stars. Jira had a wonderful way  
of including a lesson in the simplest of stories. I  
wondered what the beauty was going to be in my  
'darkest time'.  
  
"I'm going to give Leeler a third child, Merry."  
  
A baby! "That's wonderful news, Jira! Leeler must be  
quite proud."  
  
"I haven't told him yet. I want for you to be this  
child's Aunt. Leeler will not accept you as so if you  
become my sister after I have told him of the child."  
  
Her sister. She'd mentioned this to me before; it was  
something I'd been thinking about for a little while  
now. Could I join her family and give up whatever  
family I may have had before? I may not know who they  
are but there had to be those of my own blood out  
there, if I could just remember who and where they  
were.  
  
"I won't ask you to give up the dream of finding your  
own family, Merry, only to join mine as well. A woman  
with two families is a blessed woman indeed."  
  
Smiling at her I took Jira's hand in mine. "I would  
be honored to have you as my sister."  
  
Jira hugged me close and I prayed that I had made the  
right decision.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
The day was a busy one for me, a riding lesson with  
Leeler in the morning, he was insistent that I be as  
good a rider as the rest of the men. To the people I  
now called family a single woman was expected to work  
with the men so, along with Celia, I worked side by  
side with the men chopping wood, hunting, making  
repairs, caring for the livestock, all the work they  
did as well. Though I wasn't much of a rider at first  
I had made incredible progress in these last four  
months.  
  
Since the day I had joined their family four months  
ago I had seen a difference in the treatment I  
received from the men. Though the women had accepted  
me almost immediately the men had held off their  
friendship, almost as though they wanted to see if I  
was going to stick around, keeping their distance  
until I made the choice. Now though, I was truly  
their sister. Every day there was a new lesson,  
Kenthew teaching me the finer point of hunting, Jacob  
helping me to ride with ease and also with speed and  
agility and Mason teaching me to work with tools to  
make repairs keep a cabin in proper order. Leeler had  
become the big brother, showing me how to fight off a  
man and how to win a fight if I couldn't avoid it. I  
still had a lot of work to do but I was improving.   
  
But Peter's lessons were the ones I enjoyed most.   
Every night around the fire, after the evening meal  
was eaten, he taught me to play music on his guitar.   
One night I had been picking out a tune, it was one  
that I didn't know and yet at the same time I did.   
The melody was haunting and yet I knew it meant  
something to me, something that had been good in my  
life. Every night I plucked it out of the strings,  
trying to get the notes right, and trying to remember  
what it meant.  
  
We had traveled all summer, heading north for a while  
before turning around and heading back to the south  
when we found nothing to keep us in the north. Now  
that winter had come again we were settled down in an  
abandoned cabin. For a few days Celia and I worked  
with the men to get it back in good repair before  
allowing the married women to make it a home.  
  
As I sat by the fire, my knees drawn up to my chest, I  
toyed with the silver hoop in my right ear, the silver  
ball shaped ear bob in my left, and I couldn't help  
but remember the day I had allowed them to place them  
in my ears. Jira had asked me to be her sister and I  
had agreed. Little did I know that meant putting a  
hole in my earlobes? That night I lay still on the  
floor watching her heat a large canvas needle in a pot  
of boiling water. A few moments later, the initial  
pain passed, I had a hole in my right ear that was  
filled with a silver hoop and one in my left that held  
a silver ball.  
  
A single woman wore the hoop in her right ear, a  
married woman in her left. If I were to marry I would  
switch it. But with that thought rose yet another  
question to my mind. Was I already married? The man  
in my dreams, who was he? Friend? Lover? Husband?   
Would I ever know? A small sigh escaped my lips as I  
stared at the fire, dropping my hand to my knees,  
hugging them close.  
  
Little Cotton crawled his way over to sit next to me,  
playing with the hem of my skirt, chewing on it with  
his three little teeth. Picking him up I sat the  
little boy in my lap and we listened to Peter play  
songs all night long. Looking down after some time I  
saw that he was asleep and stood to put the young'un  
to bed. Sitting next to him for a moment I tucked the  
quilt in tightly around his precious little body  
before heading back to the main room. Most of the  
children were put to bed leaving the adults to sit  
around the fire-warmed room.  
  
"I'm going hunting tomorrow, Merry, you'll come?"  
Kenthew told me as I seated myself back by the fire.  
  
"Very well, I'll be ready."  
  
I didn't enjoy hunting, it was something I knew was  
needed but I never enjoyed it. According to Kenthew  
his teaching was paying off, I brought home as much  
meat as the other men did; he was quite proud. I was  
glad to make him happy but I would never raise an  
argument if he never asked me to join him again. The  
men went to smoke outside, Ninnette refusing to let  
them smoke in the cabin, leaving the women behind.   
Immediately they all looked to me, their eyes filled  
with mirth and secrets.  
  
"He's sweet on you, Merry."  
  
"What?"  
  
Ninnette smiled and continued to sew her shirt for  
Paolo while the other women giggled together. Sweet  
on me? Who? Surely they were mistaken. All of the  
men were like brothers to me, nothing more.  
  
"Kenthew is sweet on you," Emma repeated with a broad  
grin. She was making no secret of how pleased she was  
with the news.  
  
"Kenthew?"  
  
Celia nodded. "He's always talking about you with  
Papa and Leeler. I heard him asking Paolo how he  
should tell you how he feels. Kenthew isn't too good  
with his words, he's better with his rifle and  
skinning knife."  
  
Kenthew was sweet on me? "Are you sure?" I didn't  
want to believe it; I couldn't believe it.   
  
from across the room I saw Ninnette glance at me with  
her wise eyes before sharing a look with Jira.   
"Merry, my legs need to stretch, would you walk with  
me for a little?"  
  
"Yes, of course Jira."  
  
Standing I took both her wrap and mine and we left the  
cabin, passing the men outside and heading off down a  
well-worn trail. We walked in silence for a few  
moments until Jira began to speak.  
  
"You're upset by Emma's comment."  
  
It wasn't a question, she knew that it was so. Jira  
always seemed to know what I was feeling. "Yes," I  
replied.  
  
"Why? Do you not find him attractive?"  
  
Kenthew? Of course he was an attractive man, but...  
"How can I even look at one man when my heart is tied  
up with another?"  
  
"The man from your dreams."  
  
I nodded my head. Jira fell silent again and I was  
not able to speak myself. This was bad news for me,  
to know that Kenthew was sweet on me, that he liked me  
in a way I simply could not return. I know that man  
in my dreams is only in my dreams but it is so real to  
me, I know that in my other life I loved him with all  
my heart and he me. But I could not put that behind  
me and move on to this life as I had with everything  
else. My heart wouldn't let me.  
  
"This man that you see in your dreams, do you know who  
he is?"  
  
"No, only that I love him and he loves me." Sighing I  
sat down on a fallen tree. Reaching below my shirt I  
withdrew the silver necklace, warm from its place over  
my heart, and stared at it. "He's with me everywhere  
I go, living in my heart and in my dreams."  
  
"Perhaps he is only a dream."  
  
"Then what of this necklace? I know he gave it to me,  
I don't know how or why I know it but I do. This man...  
he means the world to me, I love him and..." my throat  
began to close off. Tears welled up in my eyes and I  
dropped my gaze to the necklace, drawing comfort from  
it as I had so many nights after my nightmares. "... I  
can't remember him..." A sob choked me and I fought to  
regain control over my emotion but it was a hopeless  
battle.  
  
Sitting next to me Jira hugged one arm close, clasping  
my hand within hers with a gentle touch I'd seen her  
use on the children. "One cannot help who one loves.   
The heart is a stubborn organ that does as it pleases,  
no matter how much pain it may cause to us." She was  
silent for a few moments before speaking again. "If  
you cannot love Kenthew as he wishes you to, you must  
respect him enough to tell him so."  
  
Nodding I wiped my tears away and tried to smile.   
"Thank you for understanding Jira. I will tell him  
tomorrow."  
  
"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "You must  
tell him tonight. Tomorrow he will ask you Paolo to  
court you. Tell him tonight and spare him a little of  
the pain he will feel." Jira stood and put her hand  
on my shoulder to keep me seated. "I will send him to  
you."  
  
I watched her walk away and I felt a twinge on envy in  
my heart. Tonight she would lie beside the man she  
loved knowing that he was safe beside her but I would  
only know that the man I loved existed; I could not  
even remember if he was alive or dead. The pendant in  
my hand I was still staring at it, memorizing its  
intricate design, though I had already done so several  
times, when I heard someone approach. Looking up I  
saw Kenthew stop a few feet away.  
  
"Please, come sit," I smiled at him as he took Jira's  
place on the fallen tree. "Kenthew there is something  
I must ask of you."  
  
"What ever you ask I shall do."  
  
"Do not make such a promise for I know it will be a  
hard one to keep." Pausing I wondered how to say what  
needed to be said. What words could I use that would  
not plunge a blade into his chest? "In the world,  
somewhere, there is a man that I have given my heart  
to. I don't know where he is or who he is but I know  
that I love him with every beat of my heart."  
  
"This man is from your old life?"  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"Then he died with the memory of it as well. This is  
your new life, here with us, Merry."  
  
"I know, Kenthew. But I cannot control what my heart  
feels. Nothing can change how I feel for this man and  
I can only pray that one day God will see fit to  
return me to his side."  
  
I watched as his face grew angry. "You've made a fool  
of me!"  
  
"No! Never, Kenthew! I think of you as my brother, I  
would never wish to see you hurt. That is why I  
wanted to tell you this tonight, before you spoke with  
Paolo."  
  
"Your life is here, with us Merry! The life you led  
before is over and it is time you forgot it and moved  
on!"  
  
"My life is here with my new family but I can never  
forget that there are other people who must have loved  
me as well. I'm sorry Kenthew, I cannot love you like  
that when my heart belongs to another."  
  
I knew I had hurt him, I could see it in his eyes  
before he left, rushing away from me before his anger  
grew beyond his control. I don't know how long I sat  
there on the tree but eventually Leeler came through  
the brush, worried, and took me back to the fire.   
Jira helped me into bed once Leeler had brought me  
back to our home. My head on the pillow I prayed that  
Kenthew would find someone to love that would love him  
back as he deserved.  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Three  
  
  
Standing in the woods I saw a clearing up ahead and  
went towards it. There was laughter that filled the  
air, children's laughter; I could see them as I left  
the edge of the forest. The bell in my hand began to  
ring and the children scampered into the building that  
they played around. Following them I saw that they  
were all seated in rows the smallest ones up front to  
the larger ones in back, each one smiling at me with  
their perfect little faces.  
  
Try as I may I could not see their faces but I knew  
they were perfect little children with angelic smiles;  
I loved each and every one of them as though they were  
my own child. Moving to the front of the building I  
saw a desk filled with all sorts of delightful little  
goodies, gifts from the children to me.  
  
Leaves of many different color, little robin eggshells  
of the palest blue I'd ever seen. Bunches of flowers  
tied with crude string or scraps of cloth. Apples,  
bushels and bushels of apples scattered all over the  
desk and floor. Arrowheads that had been polished  
till they shone, small rocks that the river had  
smoothed down until there wasn't a rough edge on them.  
Papers filled with drawings and letters, poems and  
stories all for me.  
  
The children. They brought a feeling of joy to my  
heart that would last me until the day I died. I  
loved them; they loved me.   
  
One little child, a boy, got up from his desk and  
leisurely walked down the aisle to meet me. Tugging  
on my skirt I knelt down so that I was looking him in  
the eyes even though they were eyes that I couldn't  
see. 'I'm come ta swap howdies with ya.' Such a  
sweet, sweet little boy. He returned to his seat and  
a little girl approached the same way he had. But her  
walk more timid as though expecting punishment for her  
actions. Without words she handed me a large blue  
button and I saw that it had fallen from her coat.   
Pulling the little girl into my lap I took a needle  
and thread from my pocket, sewing the button back onto  
her coat, and she smiled at me.  
  
The joy of the children filled my heart.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Waking suddenly to the rocking of the wagon I rose  
from my bed and slipped out of the wagon to see Leeler  
struggling with two heavy sacks, both weighing at  
least a hundred pounds apart. Ignoring the ground,  
still wet with dew, I grabbed one of the sacks from  
him to keep him from jarring another wagon and waking  
yet another sleeper.  
  
"Leeler? What are you doing?"  
  
"Sorry, Merry, I didn't mean to wake you. Tripped  
over a root and lost my balance."  
  
"Well it serves you right, trying to carry both of  
these at the same time, you'll hurt yourself. Why on  
earth are you up so early? It's still a few hours  
until sunrise."  
  
"I would not and you know it. Besides I want to get  
everything under way so we can head out first thing  
this morning. We need to get through this next  
stretch as fast as possible, the people here don't  
take too kindly to travelers."  
  
"Why's that?" I asked as we loaded the sacks onto the  
supply wagon.  
  
Wiping his brow Leeler sat on the edge of the wagon  
bed and rested for a moment. "They don't take kindly  
to outsiders of any kind. It's just the way they are.  
Merry," his eyes sought mine with a seriousness that  
startled me. "I'm supposed to travel the back today  
but with Jira so close the birthin' I'd like to stay  
near as possible."  
  
"Of course, I'll take back so you can have middle."  
  
Leeler smiled. "Thanks."  
  
"Let me get dressed and I'll help, you with the load."  
  
Slipping back into the wagon I pulled on a pair of  
pants and my shirt. 'Riding back' was Leeler's way of  
saying 'bringing up the rear'. I would be the last  
person in our little wagon train, making sure nothing  
was left behind and that everyone stayed on course.   
The only way to do it was on horseback and it was just  
plain easier to do it in pants than a skirt.   
  
It also meant making sure no one tried to sneak up  
behind us and rob the family of the little they had.   
With Kenthew's tracking skills needed in the front to  
scout out the best path it was best if someone of a  
good shot stayed in the back. Jacob drove the wagon  
since Jira was pregnant and Peter stayed with Kenthew,  
which left only Celia and I. Between the two of us I  
was the better shot.  
  
Dressed I went out to help Leeler load the supply  
wagon. I could feel his worry as we worked; not only  
for Jira but also for the traveling we would do today.  
Watching him I wondered how bad it really was but I  
prayed we wouldn't find out. Still dark out I saw how  
easy it was for Leeler to have tripped over the root  
as I did so myself, falling into the side of the wagon  
as he had. But working together it wasn't long until  
the wagon was loaded. While Leeler went to wake the  
other men I took a moment to answer natures call,  
disappearing into the woods to do so.  
  
Passing a fallen tree my mind went to the night  
Kenthew had stormed away in anger. It had been rough  
the next day while we hunted and the silence between  
us so thick you'd need a knife to cut it. But as time  
had passed our relationship improved and now we were  
good friends again. But Kenthew was a young man and  
he had love on the mind. With Celia and Peter waiting  
until she was eighteen, by her father's decree, there  
was no one for him to turn to. It was hard on him and  
again I prayed that he would find a woman to love.  
  
It had been over a year now since Leeler had found me  
in the woods and Jira had nursed me back to health. I  
had changed much since then, thinning out both around  
my waist and in my face, my hair was just past my  
shoulders now, and I was so much stronger as well.   
Looking at my reflection in a puddle where I rinsed my  
hands I wondered what else had changed that I hadn't  
noticed. Who would notice the changes though? The  
family had only known me since then. Would I ever  
meet someone who knew of me before? What would happen  
if I did?  
  
"Merry!"  
  
I heard Leeler call my name and, heading back to the  
campsite I saw that everyone was ready to go.   
Grabbing my hat, I saw that Ernst was already saddled;  
I mounted and nodded to Leeler. Sitting atop Jacob's  
horse I watched as the rest of them moved out along  
the trail, Kenthew and Peter already under way to  
scout the trail. Once everyone else had cleared out I  
gave the campsite one last look and followed them down  
the trail.  
  
It was a peaceful day along the trails, though a hot  
day as the sun began to rise in the sky. When we  
stopped for noon meal I borrowed Jacob's hat, putting  
my hair up in it to get it off my neck, the brim low  
to keep the sun out of my eyes. It wasn't long until  
we were on the trail again.  
  
Riding through the woods I felt a growing sense of  
uneasiness. These trails, the trees, they seemed  
familiar to me, as though I had seen them before. But  
where? I know we'd never traveled this part of the  
mountains before and yet somehow I felt as though I'd  
been here before. Shaking my head I laughed at  
myself, a tree is just a tree, if you've seen one  
you've seen them all.  
  
Right?  
  
More and more disconcerted I jumped in the saddle when  
a shot rang out. Having fallen a bit behind the rest  
of the group I urged Ernst into a gallop and raced for  
the wagons, my mind imagining the worst. What I saw  
stopped my heart cold. Leeler and Jacob were lowering  
Jira down from the wagon, a large red stain spreading  
itself over her shoulder.  
  
"Jira!" I cried.  
  
Dropping from the saddle I knelt next to her, pulling  
a neckerchief from around my neck to press to her  
shoulder. Leeler was shaking, his face paling with  
each drop of blood she shed. Through the brush  
Kenthew and Peter came crashing into view dragging to  
young boys with them, tossing them to the ground, guns  
trained at the two strangers, barely older then  
children.  
  
"They shot her!"  
  
"T'was an accident! We heered the nis 'n'thought ya  
was deer! Honest! We di'n' mean ya no harm, we'd  
nevuh shoot a gal!" one of them cried, as pale and  
shaking as Leeler.  
  
Looking at her shoulder I knew she was loosing too  
much blood and I didn't want to think what this would  
do to the baby.  
  
"Is there a doctor in this cove?" looking at the two  
boys. Both shook heir head quickly. "You," pointing  
to the blond one, slightly smaller than the dark  
haired one. "Come with me, show me how to find the  
doctor."  
  
Getting to my feet I mounted Ernst, pulling the boy up  
behind me and, with him pointing the way, we were off,  
racing against time to find the doctor. Nothing was  
said between us save for his directions of which trail  
to take. Urging Ernst to go faster we broke into a  
clearing and I raced full throttle for the building at  
the top of the hill. As I slowed the horse the young  
man jumped off from behind me running into the  
building. Seconds later a large man came running out  
with saddle bags in his hands, his longish red hair  
curly and in disarray.  
  
This man was the doctor? He looked more like a hunter  
than a skilled physician but if the people that lived  
here trusted him I had no choice. Jira needed help.   
As he mounted a woman emerged from within the  
building, the young man at her side. Meeting her eyes  
for the briefest of moments the older woman paled as  
though she'd seen a ghost. Though the sight of it  
nagged at me I pushed it aside as I raced back to the  
trail, the doctor behind me all the way, until we  
reached Jira's side.  
  
While I wanted to go be with Jira I knew I would only  
be in the way, my emotions would get the best of me,  
whether it be fear or concern, and I opted to speak  
with the second young man that Kenthew and Peter were  
watching over. "Tell me what happened boy."  
  
His eyes grew wide and for a moment I wondered if he  
was going to pass out, his face wearing the same look  
as the woman before. I repeated my demand,  
purposefully making my voice harder than before; it  
worked.  
  
"We was huntin'. Me 'n' John we thought we heered a  
deer so we tuk aim. Only after we fir'd 'n' dun seen  
it was people we gots scared a run'd away. Yer men  
found us and drug us back 'ere. Honest, we di'n' mean  
ta shoot 'er, we're so sorry!"  
  
Looking past the boy to Kenthew and Peter I saw both  
of them shaking their heads, they didn't believe his  
story. Turning away I went over to Paolo, as the head  
of the family he had final decision about what to do.   
Telling him what the boy had told me I waited for his  
answer. "Get their names and let them go," he said  
after a moment. "We'll talk with their Pa's later  
after we know how Jira is doing."  
  
Nodding I went back to the boy, demanding his name and  
that of his friend John. "I be Rob Allen and my  
friend be John Spencer. Please, we di'n' mean ta  
hurt'er."  
  
"You go home and you tell your Pa what happened today,  
see to it that your friend John does the same. When  
this is over we'll be talking to your kin about what  
you've done. No git."  
  
"Yes'm." Though he moved a step away the boy looked  
back at me, stopping in his tracks, his eyes as wide  
as a full moon. "Ma'am..."  
  
"What?" I snapped at him, my concern for Jira  
outweighing my anger toward him, for now. Turning to  
look him in the eyes I saw that he still wore a pale  
look. Why was he staring at me like that?  
  
"Nothin' ma'am."  
  
He was gone quicker than a deer, disappearing into the  
brush. Kenthew and Peter weren't happy but let him go  
both of them knowing that Paolo had made his decision.  
Turning to check on Jira I saw that the doctor has  
sitting on his horse while Jacob and Leeler were  
putting Jira in the wagon. Before I could ask what  
was happening Leeler began to move the wagon down the  
trail, both he and the doctor going as fast as they  
could.  
  
"What's going on?" I asked Ninnette.  
  
Her eyes tearing she told me that they were taking  
Jira back to the mission so the doctor could operate  
to remove the bullet in a clean place so as to reduce  
the risk of infection. Sending the women and children  
on ahead in the other wagon I stayed back with Celia  
and Jacob to care for the last two wagons, Kenthew and  
Peter staying with the women and children just in  
case. Some time later we pulled up to the building  
and saw the women and children gathered on the front  
porch.  
  
Pushing my way indoor I looked to the one side and saw  
the large doctor bending over Jira's too still form, a  
dark skinned man working side by side with him. The  
sight too much for me I looked the other way to see  
the older woman from before offering Ninnette some tea  
to calm herself. When she straightened and saw me the  
teapot in her hand shook a bit as she placed it on the  
table. I was sure the situation had overwhelmed her.  
  
"Are you all right ma'am? Do you need to sit down?"  
  
Shaking her head the woman looked at me with a kind  
smile, though I also saw some sadness in it. "No,  
thank thee, I will be quite fine. Though perhaps thee  
would like some tea?"  
  
"No, thank you, I don't think I could handle anything  
right now."   
  
Taking Jacob's hat off I ran my hands shakily through  
my hair, the events of this last hour beginning to  
catch up with my nerves, I could feel my heart still  
racing in my chest. Even through all that I could  
still feel the uneasiness from the woods, before Jira  
had been hurt. It hadn't gone away, only increasing  
as I stood in the building and saw each reaction of  
the strangers I met, their faces paling and eyes  
widening in disbelief of something. But what?   
  
"This is Miss Alice Henderson, she runs the mission  
here," Emma introduced the woman to me.  
  
"Miss Alice Henderson," nodding to her, trying to  
curve my lips into a passable smile. "My name is  
Merry. Thank you for allowing us to use the mission  
for the operation."  
  
"'Tis only a little thing, Doctor MacNeill uses our  
mission quite often," she smiled back, her smile as  
fake as mine. Something had truly put this woman off  
kilter. "Merry is thy name? An interesting one if I  
may say so."  
  
"I'm afraid it's the only one I know."  
  
Even as the words left my mouth I felt they were  
strange, as she did as well, a frown crossing her  
face. Before I could say another word a mans voice,  
thick with an accent I couldn't quite place, boomed  
out over the silence.  
  
"She'll be all right for now, but she's not to get out  
of bed until her child is born. It shouldn't be too  
long now, no doubt it will have been quickened by the  
trauma."  
  
Turning on my heel to face the doctor, the large man  
with curly red hair, I watched as yet another  
strangers face paled. The giant of a man who stood  
before me stared at me, his eyes filling with pain and  
disbelief, despair and hope all at once. "Christy,"  
he breathed, his voice filled with all I saw in his  
eyes.  
  
My brow drew in confusion but my eyes were drawn to a  
shock of wild bright red hair I saw pass through the  
doorway, stopping in the space between the doctor and  
I. Her eyes met mine and the girl screamed, fainting  
into a heap on the floor.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Four  
  
  
  
  
Moving quickly the dark skinned man that had been  
working with the doctor caught the girl before she  
could hit her head on the wooden floor. Picking her  
up in his arms he carried her into another room, Miss  
Henderson following to be sure the girl was all right.  
I turned back to face the doctor, his expression  
unchanged though I could tell he had noted the girls  
actions. From the corner of my eye I saw Mason enter  
the room, putting his hand on my arm.  
  
"Merry? We heard a scream, is everything okay in  
here?"  
  
"Yes," I replied, unable to remove my eyes from the  
doctor's gaze, his eyes intense as they stared at me.   
It felt as though he could see to my very soul. "The  
girl, she fainted."  
  
Looking from me to the doctor Mason moved a bit  
between us, blocking me from his view though I could  
still see him over Mason's shoulder. "Doctor, what of  
Jira?"  
  
Blinking the tall man shook his head and pulled his  
thoughts back to his patient. Repeating his earlier  
comments he added, "She'll need to stay here, at the  
mission where I can keep an eye on her."  
  
As though on cue Jira moaned from her place on the  
table. Skirting around mason I passed the doctor and  
moved to her side. I took her one hand in mine and  
smoothed a stay lock of hair from her face. "It's  
okay, Jira, don't try to move. You've been hurt but  
you're going to be just fine."  
  
"My baby?" she whispered, her gray eyes wide with  
fright. "What about my baby?"  
  
"Your baby is perfectly fine, but you'll give birth  
soon, in a day or so I'll bet. Until then you have to  
rest so that you have the energy to bring this child  
into the world. It's very important, okay?" She  
closed her eyes and nodded her head slightly. "Go  
back to sleep, Jira, everything is going to be just  
fine."  
  
Summoning the help of Mason and Jacob Doctor MacNeill  
had Jira moved to a room on the first floor of this  
mission. Moving out to the porch in the back of the  
mission I bent over, leaning my arms and head upon the  
railing for support. What else could possibly go  
wrong today? From behind me I heard the swoosh of  
skirts and turned to see Miss Henderson standing in  
the doorway, watching me as though she were seeing a  
ghost.   
  
"Ma'am? Is everything okay? You're staring."  
  
With a shake of her head a smile returned. "I'm  
sorry, thee must think me rude to stare as I did. It  
is only..." she hesitated and moved to sit on one of the  
chairs. "Thee look as a twin to a dear daughter that  
passed on over a year ago. It is disconcerting to see  
thee and think of thee as Merry instead of..." Pausing  
her words she looked away and I could see that she was  
having trouble containing her emotion.  
  
"Christy?" She glanced up sharply and I knew that was  
whom she spoke of. "I heard the Doctor call me that  
name before the girl fainted. I'm sorry to bring this  
pain back to your mind."  
  
"Tis not thy fault," she tried to smile. "But I fear  
thee will find this reaction all over the cove.   
Christy was the mission teacher."  
  
"May I ask...? What was she to the doctor? He seemed  
affected more than most."  
  
Miss Henderson met my gaze with all seriousness. "She  
was to be his wife."  
  
His wife! I could feel my heart twinge with her words  
that explained the range of emotions I had seen in his  
eyes. The man had lost his fiancé.  
  
Before I could offer my sympathies to her again a  
shout rang out from within the building, I recognized  
it as Jacob's voice. Quickly I moved back into the  
main room to find it empty, everyone was on the porch.  
Stopping in the doorway I saw Kenthew taking aim at  
someone, his face hardened into a stony mask. I moved  
closer and saw an older man with a long beard and  
steely eyes also pointing his rifle and Kenthew, a  
stand off.  
  
"Put it away Birdseye, these people are on mission  
property," Miss Henderson said, her own rifle now in  
her hands, though aimed at the sky.  
  
What had started this? What would possible bring two  
men to hold guns to each other in such a short time?   
Then I saw it. A large boy, no older then Celia, was  
standing a little behind the man called Birdseye his  
lip bloody, and a cloth sac I recognized as my food  
sac in his hands; the boy had stolen from us and was  
caught. This man must be his father. I couldn't stop  
the sigh that escaped my lips; our time here was not  
going well at all.  
  
"Paolo," I whispered to the old man standing against  
the wall, watching with an interest hidden behind a  
mask of impassion.  
  
"The boy has stolen from us Merry, I'll not stop  
Kenthew."  
  
"The boy is just hungry, Paolo, food is in short  
supply in these mountains."  
  
Just past Paolo I saw the doctor look at me with a  
look I couldn't quite read but I ignored him for now.   
"The sac is mine Paolo, let him have it."  
  
Thinking for a moment Paolo nodded. "The rations are  
yours to do with as you will, Merry."  
  
Taking a deep breath I moved off the porch to stand in  
front of Kenthew. "Please, Kenthew let them go, lower  
your rifle." But he shook his head; he wasn't going  
to budge. Turning I moved a little closer to the  
other man, Birdseye, standing directly in front of his  
rifle. I could hear Emma's gasp, as well as those of  
the other people gathered but I knew, somehow I knew  
this man wouldn't shoot me. "Birdseye, take the sac,  
leave us alone."  
  
I saw his eyes flick to me for the briefest of moments  
before returning Kenthew to his line of sight. Almost  
instantly I saw his eyes widen in shock and meet mine  
once more. His was the same reaction as everyone else  
I'd met. Taking a few steps back he stared at me  
before his eyes suddenly returned to normal. Nodding  
his head in one brief crisp nod he turned and left,  
calling for his boy to come with him.   
  
Watching them leave I finally reminded myself to  
breath, my heart began racing within my chest as air  
filled my lungs again. It had been a stupid move to  
step in front of his rifle like that, stupid, stupid,  
stupid...  
  
"What did you think you were doing?" Kenthew grabbed  
my arm, twirling me around to face him, his grasp firm  
and a little painful. Gasping at the force of it I  
looked up to his face and saw that he was furious.   
"You could have been killed, Merry! That was a stupid  
thing to do!"  
  
"Let go of my arm Kenthew," I told him, my voice cold  
as I twisted out of his grasp. "I tried to talk to  
you first, but you wouldn't listen."  
  
"Don't put this on me, Merry," he began.  
  
"I'm not," cutting him off a little rudely. "He  
wouldn't have shot me."  
  
"How can you say that? I saw his finger on the  
trigger. You had no idea he wasn't going to pull it  
and shoot you right there!" His voice was getting  
louder as he yelled at me.  
  
"Because Birdseye Taylor would never shoot a woman!" I  
yelled back before walking away from him and into the  
mission house, passing everyone I could feel their  
wide eyes staring at me.   
  
It wasn't until I was standing next to Jira's bed that  
what I had said finally made its way into my mind.   
How had I known he wouldn't shoot me? And how did I  
know he was a Taylor? My legs gave out underneath me  
and I sat down hard on a chair next to her bed. What  
was happening to me? Why did this place feel so  
strange and yet so familiar? Who were these people?   
Who was the woman they thought I was?  
  
Jira stirred on the bed next to me and all the  
questions flew out of my mind. Slowly her gray eyes  
opened and her face creased with a grimace of pain.  
  
"Try no to move," I told her, trying to keep my voice  
calm.  
  
It didn't work.  
  
"What's wrong, Merry? You look awful."  
  
"This has been a bad day, Jira, that's all. I'll look  
forward to when we can leave here, this place bothers  
me."  
  
"It gives you a bad feeling?"  
  
Nodding was all I could do; I didn't know how to  
explain what I felt. Ninnette entered the room and I  
was glad for the interruption. Slipping out of the  
room I walked up the stairs to the second floor and  
stood at the railing overlooking the pond, my  
questions beginning to return to me.  
  
This woman, Christy, how had she died? Did I really  
look like her? What had she been like? I wondered  
about her out of simple curiosity but it was this  
place that had me mystified. These mountains seemed  
oddly familiar yet I know I'd never been here before.   
Or had I?  
  
Hearing people from within the room I moved out of  
sight but when I heard the doctor's brogue I stopped  
still, something telling me to listen.  
  
"Alice, its her, you know it well as I do!"  
  
"Neil, thee cannot be sure. The wreck was very  
extensive, no one could have survived, especially not  
after the fire."  
  
"No body was ever confirmed as hers, Alice. It's...  
it's Margaret all over again."  
  
"Thee cannot believe that!" Listening to her I could  
tell that she was upset by his words. "Christy loved  
thee more than Margaret ever knew how to."  
  
"I know that Alice, but this makes no sense. How can  
she be alive and not come back here? Not contact us?   
Amnesia is the only answer!"  
  
"Neil, it may very well be that Merry is not..."  
  
"I know its her! Alice everything about her tells me  
its Christy. The way she moves, the way she speaks,  
and the things she does. Lundy stole that sac of food  
and she let him have it even though it belonged to her  
because she knew he needed the food!"  
  
"As any good person would have."  
  
"And how did she know that Birdseye's name was Taylor  
when no one had mentioned it? She knew he wouldn't  
shoot a woman yet everything about him made it seem  
like he would. Alice, I'm telling you... its Christy."  
  
The woman sighed deeply and I heard her sit down on  
the bed. "I believe thee may be right, but what can  
we do? She obviously has amnesia and believes she is  
part of that family now, if thee tries to convince her  
otherwise she will avoid thee."  
  
Now it was his turn to sigh. "I don't know, Alice.   
All I know is that I can't let her go, not when  
there's a chance I could have Christy in my life  
again. I've lost her once Alice, I refuse to let it  
happen again."  
  
"Which would thee rather have, Neil? Christy here by  
thy side, or out in the world traveling with those who  
would make her happy, the people she calls her  
family?" They were silent for a few moments. "Could  
thee live with the knowledge that thy decision has  
made her unhappy?"  
  
Again silence reigned, this time longer.  
  
"No," he choked. "I couldn't."  
  
Tears stung at my eyes. The emotions in his voice  
tore at my heart. I had to get out of there. Turning  
I left as quietly as I could, down the stairs to the  
forests edge and right on past it. I had no idea  
where I was going and yet at the same time I did.   
Walking for what seemed like forever I stumbled over a  
root and fell to the ground.   
  
Suddenly I realized that it was very, very dark out.   
With no lantern to see my way back and not enough  
moonlight to keep going I sat down against the base of  
a tree and settled in for the night.   
  
The weather was perfect, the nights cool a pleasant  
feeling after the day's hot balminess, and the stars  
shone brilliantly. Sitting there in the darkness, all  
alone, I felt a sudden peace that seemed to fill my  
entire body, relaxing me and lulling me to sleep. On  
the edge of sleeps consciousness I remembered that no  
one knew where I was and prayed they wouldn't worry.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Waking the next morning I was surprised to find myself  
in the woods. As my memory of the previous day began  
to creep in past my sleepiness I stood up to look  
around. Though I was in the forest I could hear the  
gurgling of a river. Heading towards it I saw a large  
boulder overlooking a river that was moving at a brisk  
pace. Stepping closer I steadied myself on the  
boulder and leaned down to scoop up some of the cool,  
clear water. It was so refreshing!   
  
Leaning down a little farther to get some more I lost  
my footing and slipped. Catching myself on the  
boulder I stayed still for a few moments to catch my  
breath. That had been close, too close for comfort.   
Taking a step back my hold on the rock slipped and I  
tumbled toward the water. Though it had looked mild  
from my perch by the boulder its currents were strong,  
dragging me with it before I was able to react.  
  
Tossing, bobbing up and down like a stick in the river  
I fought to stay above water, sinking several times  
only to pop back up and draw in another gulp of air.   
Soaked through, shivering in the surprising coldness  
of the river I prayed I would survive this trip all  
the while scrambling to grab ahold of something to  
pull myself to safety. Every time I grabbed something  
my arms gave out, I was exhausted.   
  
Sinking below the surface I thought that this was it,  
I had no more energy to fight the river. But from the  
bottom of my heart I heard him call out to me, yelling  
at me the way he did in my dreams to stay alive that  
he would find me, and I knew. No matter what...  
  
I had to live.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Five  
  
  
  
Exhausted, the river dragging me along with its  
currents I prayed that something would happen, as I  
had no more strength left within my body. No sooner  
had I finished my prayer then I felt something grab  
hold of my shirt and pull me from the river as I  
passed under a fallen tree. Lying on the ground,  
chest heaving as I tried to breath once more, I opened  
my eyes to see that man, Birdseye, staring back at me.  
He was the one who had pulled me from the river; he'd  
saved my life.   
  
"Thank you," I said softly.  
  
His eyes were intense as he stared at me, silent for  
quite some time before speaking. "I ain't never shot  
no gal, aind I do'n' aim ta start with you."   
  
"I know," I told him. "I never doubted you Birdseye."  
  
Nodding his head he got to his feet. "Mission'ouse be  
that away. You'd best git walkin'."  
  
Without another word he turned and left. Taking a  
deep breath I too got to my feet and began to move off  
in the direction he had pointed. This Birdseye was a  
strange man to me. I didn't like him per say but I  
wasn't afraid of him. It felt as though no matter how  
much I disliked him, when it came down to it I knew I  
could trust him with my life so long as I was in the  
cove. Why was that?  
  
Soaked through, looking like a mess I'm sure, I left  
the forests edge and began the hike up the rising  
clearing toward the mission house at the top. How on  
earth was I going to explain this one? Approaching  
the mission I saw that our little camp in the front  
yard was empty, no one was there, everything  
abandoned. Curious, and concerned, I entered the  
mission house at the same time as I heard Jira scream.  
She was having the baby!  
  
"She's been calling for you Merry, you'd better get in  
there."  
  
Ninnette pointed me toward the door and, without a  
single question about my appearance or where I'd been,  
pushed me toward it. I knew those questions would  
come later. Opening the door I saw Jira laying on the  
bed, her entire body tense as another contraction hit  
her body. Shutting the door behind me I moved to sit  
on the end of the bed, pulling her head into my lap as  
her body began to relax, the contraction had passed.  
  
"Where were you? You're soaking wet," she accused.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jira," I said, stroking her sweat soaked  
forehead with the hem of my shirt, the cool wetness  
helping to ease her. "I..." I began to tell her but  
stopped. She didn't need to hear that now. "I'm here  
now, and I'll not leave, I promise."  
  
Nodding her head she took my free hand in hers for  
comfort as she waited for the next spasm of pain to  
hit. Leeler would not, could not, be in the room with  
her even if they had let him. Seeing Jira in pain  
undid him in the worst way. No doubt Jacob and Mason  
had taken him out to smoke, far enough away so that he  
couldn't hear her screams.  
  
A mans hands came to rest on Jira's belly and I  
noticed the doctor for the first time, Miss Henderson  
standing at the end of the bed while the dark skinned  
man was on the opposite side of Doctor MacNeill. From  
what I'd seen of him he must be an assistant of some  
sort, always at the doctors side when bent over a  
patient.  
  
"Merry," Jira asked breathlessly as another  
contraction passed. "Sing for me, sing me the song."  
  
Smiling at her I continued to wipe her face while I  
called up the song in my mind, the song she loved to  
sing with me over the fire, when our voices would  
blend together in a beautiful harmony.  
  
"Naomi encouraged Ruth to leave,  
Even though the parting would her grieve,  
But to Moab Ruth just won't return,  
Since her heart for Naomi does yearn."  
  
"No I never will abandon you,  
Where you would be there I would be too,  
And where you lie down there I would lie,  
And where you die, there please let me die."  
  
"For your people shall my people be,  
And your God my God eternally,  
May our God do so and add there to,  
Should ought separate my soul from you."  
  
"Oh what faith and love fair Ruth displayed,  
She a noble pattern for us made,  
May we ever show like steadfastness,  
Firmly cleave to God and righteousness."  
  
My voice was not the best, but it was not the worst  
either, and singing for Jira as she lay in pain I  
suddenly realized how true those words were to me.   
Her people were my people; my place had been with them  
for the last year of my life. But would it always be  
that way? My thoughts kept drifting back to the  
conversation I had heard yesterday between Miss  
Henderson and the Doctor. I didn't know what to  
think.  
  
Another wave of pain hit Jira and she screamed  
immediately. This was it; the baby was coming.   
Watching the doctor do his work, his attention  
diverted, I had a moment to study him while he readied  
his instruments just in case they would be needed. He  
was a handsome man, barrel chested, tall, muscular and  
yet his hands moved with a delicate nature the defied  
everything else about him.   
  
Working quickly he told Jira when to push and when to  
relax and it seemed that within almost no time at all  
he held a wiggling mass which he quickly wrapped in a  
blanket and gave to Miss Henderson. Moving off to the  
side to clean up the child and keep it warm Miss  
Henderson watched while the doctor and the other man  
worked to birth the placenta. Once Jira was cleaned  
up and the child checked over by Doctor MacNeill,  
mother was handed her baby.  
  
"It's a wee lass," the Doctor told Jira as he laid the  
baby across her breast. "She's perfect."  
  
Tears streamed down Jira's cheeks and I was shocked to  
find that they did mine as well. Getting up I leaned  
down and kissed both mother and daughter. "I'll go  
find Leeler so he can come meet his daughter."  
  
Walking out of the room I saw that the other three  
were also standing in the small hallway. Meeting each  
of their eyes I smiled a broad smile. "Thank you, for  
everything."  
  
While I skirted out the door to find Leeler I heard  
Miss Henderson tell the good news to the waiting  
crowd. On the steps Peter and Celia pointed me  
towards the second building and I headed over to it to  
find the proud Papa. On the steps of that building  
stood Mason, Jacob, and a trembling Leeler.  
  
"It's over Leeler, you have a healthy baby," I smiled  
at him, hugging my brother with all my might.  
  
He laughed, exuberantly; picking me up and twirling  
around for a moment before putting me back down.   
"What is it?" he asked suddenly, his eyes bright.  
  
"A girl, she's a perfect little girl."  
  
I watched as he ran off to be by his wife's side, to  
see his little girl; Mason and Jacob nodded to me and  
followed him at a slower pace. Watching him leave I  
wondered at my own parents. Had they been as happy  
when I was born?  
  
Shaking my head of the melancholy thoughts I climbed  
the stairs, curious about this other building.   
Opening one of the two doors I closed it behind me and  
stopped in my tracks. It was a school! Row after row  
of desks lined both sides of the walkway, each desk  
was neatly cleared but I could tell that they had been  
used today. Walking up the aisle between them I  
approached the blackboard and took up a piece of  
chalk, writing today's date.  
  
Staring at it I wondered what had possessed me to  
write it, but before I knew what I was doing my hand  
had already begun to sketch the first thing that had  
come to my mind. When I was done I looked and saw the  
pendant of the necklace I wore beneath my shirt.   
Quickly erasing it and replacing the chalk I turned to  
see that I wasn't alone. "Ma'am," nodding my head  
towards her. "I'm sorry if I was intruding."  
  
"No," Miss Henderson replied. "Not at all. I came to  
see if thee would like a dry change of clothes. Thy  
present outfit has been soaked through."  
  
Glancing down at my clothes I was shocked to find that  
I had forgotten all about the dripping garments.   
"With all the excitement I'd forgotten."  
  
She smiled at me with a motherly smile that warmed my  
heart. "What do thee think of our school?"  
  
Looking at the empty rows of desks my eyes saw the  
children from my dreams filling them. "They were all  
seated in rows the smallest ones up front to the  
larger ones in back, each one smiling at me with their  
perfect little faces," I whispered, more to myself  
than to her though I know she heard it as well.   
Closing my eyes for a moment I felt myself swaying and  
Miss Henderson put her hands on my arms, sitting me  
down in one of the rows.  
  
"Thee is not well, I should call Neil."  
  
"No." Opening my eyes I smiled at her. "No, thank  
you, I'm fine. Just tired, it's been a long day I'm  
afraid."  
  
"I was told that thee did not sleep in thy wagon last  
night."  
  
"No," I laughed. "I most certainly didn't. I had  
gone for a walk after... well... after dealing with  
Kenthew and Birdseye. By the time I realized it was  
dark it was too dark to turn around and come back so I  
slept in the forest." I saw her nod in understanding  
and for some reason I was compelled to continue, as  
though I could tell this woman anything. "But then  
this morning I was getting a drink of water from the  
river when my footing slipped and I fell in."  
  
"Oh!" she gasped. "Neil must look thee over, to be  
sure thee is safe."  
  
"No, please! I'm fine, truly I am. I had tried to  
grab hold of something but I didn't have the strength.  
I prayed that God would help me and no sooner had I  
finished my prayer than that man from yesterday,  
Birdseye, pulled me from the water. He told me that  
he'd never shoot a woman and then pointed me in the  
direction of the mission. Then he left without  
another word. It was the oddest thing."  
  
Miss Henderson smiled. "That is Birdseye Taylor, one  
never truly knows what he will do next." Silence fell  
for a little while as we were both lost in our  
thoughts. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but  
rather as though we were two friends who didn't need  
to speak at all times. It was a comfortable silence.  
  
But all too quickly it was broken.  
  
"Miss Alice!"  
  
The girl from the mission, the one with wild red hair  
who fainted at the sight of me, burst into the school,  
a grin splitting her face nearly in two. Though she  
faltered for a step or two her purpose reminded her of  
her original excitement and she began to chatter  
incessantly to Miss Henderson, prattle of high-strung  
words I could barely understand.  
  
"Ruby Mae! Please calm down and speak more slowly! I  
cannot understand thee."  
  
"Oh Miz Alice! Them peoples that jist had thar baby  
gal is gonna have dancin' and singin' t'night, they  
sez we's all invited, the whole cove! Oh yer gonna  
let me go, raght, Miz Alice, please? It shorly wuld  
be a mite fun night."  
  
I found it hard not to smile at the girls' obvious  
enthusiasm.   
  
"I shall see, Ruby Mae, but my answer will depend  
partly on whether or not thy chores have been done."  
  
"Yes'm!" she cried as she fairly flew back out of the  
schoolroom.   
  
It was then that I did laugh. "I think those chores  
will be done in record time Miss Henderson."  
  
"Please, would thee call me Alice? Miss Henderson  
makes me feel too old."  
  
Smiling at her, "How about if we agree on Miss Alice?"  
  
Though I had meant it to be kind I wondered if I had  
somehow chosen the wrong words as her eyes began to  
tear and she placed a finger to her lips. After a  
moment she whispered, "It would make me happy to hear  
thee call me Miss Alice." Her voice sounded as though  
I had given her the greatest gift one could possibly  
imagine yet I couldn't begin to think of why.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Six  
  
  
  
  
"Hear me all of you, and listen to my words of joy!"  
  
All around the movements stilled, talking ceased, and  
eyes moved to watch the man who stood atop one of the  
wagons so all could see him.  
  
"Today is a day of celebration as what once was only  
one has now become two! On this day my daughter  
herself has a daughter and I welcome my new  
granddaughter to my family with open arms and a ready  
place in my heart. I bid all of you to share your  
laughter with her so that for the rest of her life she  
may remember that her day of birth was also a day of  
joy and gladness!"  
  
With a nod to us Paolo signaled for the music to begin  
and soon music filled the air along with the laughter  
of those friends, both old and new, that filled the  
yard in front of the mission house. Sitting with  
Silky who blew into her recorder, Peter who's flute  
sang, and Emma who's tambourine jangled I strummed on  
the guitar, our notes coming together in a happy union  
of song for all to dance to.  
  
Leeler sang a few songs and then, because his wife was  
unable, pulled Celia up from her seat to dance in the  
moonlight. Evening meal had long ago been eaten, not  
a family had arrived that hadn't brought something to  
share, and the people I'd been told didn't like  
strangers were laughing and dancing with us in this  
celebration of new life.  
  
Looking around I saw Miss Henderson... my apologies...  
Miss Alice sitting with the doctor, she smiling and he  
trying to. Meeting her eyes I smiled back. For a  
moment I turned my head away to check my fingering on  
the instrument and when I looked back I saw that the  
Doctor had left, Miss Alice sitting alone. I felt a  
pang of regret that he had left and wondered why it  
was there. What should it matter to me what the  
doctor did?  
  
Though I had no answer as to why all I knew was that  
it did.  
  
Many hours later, my fingers aching and my throat  
parched I gave the guitar to Celia who took my place,  
she also a student of Peter's skill, and made my way  
to Jira who was sitting by another fire. Sitting next  
to her I looked down at the little girl sleep in her  
arms, a perfect little child.  
  
"We've chosen a name." Meeting her eyes I waited for  
her to tell me what it was. "Leeler and I have chosen  
Ruth; the name of a woman whose people were not hers  
though she loved them as if they were."  
  
"A fine path to follow," I smiled at Jira, my sister  
in every way that mattered. Taking the little girl  
from her arms I held the tiny bundle in my hands.   
"Hello little Ruth, I'm your Aunt, but you will always  
call me Merry."  
  
Coming over Ninnette took little Ruth away, to put the  
child to bed for the night, away from the noise of the  
celebration. Watching the fire for some time Jira  
stood to leave, standing before me for a moment.   
"Will you walk with me to the mission house? The  
doctor has asked I spend one more night there, to be  
on the safe side."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Together we walked around the edge of the party, arm  
in arm I supported her still weak body as we walked.   
Climbing the steps we were in her room, she in the  
bed, before another word was spoken. "Papa tells me  
we will leave in one days time."  
  
One day.  
  
"We are behind in our schedule, we'll need to travel  
hard to catch up."  
  
"Will you be joining us?"  
  
Sitting on the edge of the bed I close my eyes. "What  
makes you ask that?"  
  
"I've heard them speaking when they thought I was  
asleep. They say they know you, that you are their  
friend that died, and that you look just like her."  
  
"Yes, that's what they say."  
  
Jira was silent for a moment. "I know my sister well  
enough to know that she has many things on her mind.   
I wish that she would share them with me."  
  
"I don't know, Jira; I don't know what to think. This  
place, these people, they seem so familiar and yet at  
the same time they don't. What if this isn't my home?  
Could I stay behind and lose the people I love, the  
only family I know? But what if it is my home? Why  
doesn't it seem more familiar to me? Why hasn't it  
sparked my memories?"  
  
There were so many questions running wild through my  
head.  
  
"I just don't know."  
  
Wishing Jira a good night sleep and rest I left the  
room. Standing on the porch of the mission I watched  
the celebration but felt no desire to join in again.   
I sat down on one of the wooden rocking chairs and  
pulled my necklace from under my shirt. Staring down  
at the pendant I wished he were here, beside me to  
tell me the right way to go. He would know what was  
right; he was a smart man. That was one of the things  
I loved about him; one of the few things I could  
remember at any rate.  
  
"Oh my love," I whispered, clutching the pendant in my  
hands. "Help me."  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Standing on the porch, the early morning dawn quickly  
rising into the sky I stared at the mission yard; the  
schoolhouse to one side, the forest to the other, and  
the pond in between. The time had come to leave and I  
was no closer to an answer. Stepping down from the  
porch I moved over to the schoolhouse stopping when I  
saw that there was already somebody in there.  
  
from behind I saw that it was the doctor. He was  
speaking, to himself it seemed, but as I listened I  
realized he was speaking with God.  
  
"I hated you for taking Margaret and I hated you even  
more for bringing her back. But you gave me Christy  
and something in me began to change. I stopped seeing  
only the blood and the wounds and I saw the people,  
their hearts and their souls. She showed me that it  
was possible to believe in people, that doing so would  
always bring out the best in them."  
  
"She had always believed in me. Even when we fought  
over the people or the children she never doubted my  
abilities, always calling them a gift from you. There  
was never a doubt in Christy's mind that I could do  
anything, that no matter what the problem was I could  
fix it. But it was she who fixed my problem. She was  
the only one who was able to see what was broken and  
show me, help me to fix it."  
  
"Christy showed me how to love, to really and truly  
love with all of my heart. But there was always  
something holding me back, the last piece of the  
puzzle that allowed me to see the world through her  
eyes. When she was taken from me I cursed you with  
every breath I had in my body. She was my light and  
until the day she was taken away from me. My heart  
was ripped from my chest and I swore that I could not  
go on."  
  
"But that was when you showed me the last piece of the  
puzzle, the piece I was missing. It was you.   
Christy's love came from you and from her love for  
you. Since that day I have seen the world as Christy  
saw it because you showed me, you allowed me to break  
past my stubborn pride and my pain to see what she had  
known all along. You are the God of love, tender,  
merciful, beautiful love, and without you there is no  
love in this world."  
  
"So I beg of you, please dear Lord, watch over her.   
Keep her safe and alive and most of all keep her  
happy. If you see fit to give her back to me let her  
remember someday how much I love her for you are the  
keeper of all knowledge. I know that you have  
withheld her memories for some reason I can only guess  
at but I beg of you to let her remember some day how  
much I love her."  
  
His voice choked and I could see and hear the sobs  
that wracked the man's body.  
  
"I love her..."  
  
Putting my hand over my mouth I felt the wetness of  
the silent tears that had been coursing down my  
cheeks. Turning I fled, racing away from him, from  
the pain I had heard in his voice and felt in my  
heart. It was too much; it couldn't be the truth! It  
just couldn't.  
  
Stopping short I saw that everyone was ready to go,  
the wagons were loaded with the women and children,  
horses mounted, everyone was waiting for me... for my  
decision. Standing in the mission yard I looked from  
Jira, her solemn face peering at me from the door to  
one of the wagons, to Miss Alice who stood on the  
porch, her face just as solemn. Back and forth I  
looked, my mind screaming at me to make a decision.  
  
Meeting Paolo's gaze from the seat of the head wagon I  
nodded. My decision was made.  
  
For several moments I watched them leaving, praying  
that I had made the right decision. Climbing the  
steps of the mission I stood before Miss Alice, a  
woman who had been as kind to me as a mother's voice  
is to a child's ear. Meeting her eyes I knew no words  
were needed. She already knew. Descending the stairs  
once more and moving over to Ernst, I mounted the  
horse.   
  
from my perch in the saddle I saw the doctor emerge  
from the schoolhouse. Across the yard I met his eyes  
and he knew, as had Miss Alice. Unable to say  
anything, I couldn't have had I tried, I turned Ernst  
away from the hitching post and galloped after the  
wagons, afraid that if I stopped moving, I wouldn't  
start again.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Seven  
  
  
  
"Let's stop for noon meal," Paolo announced.  
  
The wagons pulled off into the clearing Kenthew had  
found and the children emerged from the wagons to run  
off their energy before it was time to go again. All  
morning we traveled, following the path away from  
Cutter Gap, the cove that had caused many a tear to  
fall from my eyes. With each stride it had become  
harder and harder to not look back, not to wonder what  
might have been.  
  
Dismounting I tethered Ernst to a tree, brushing him  
down, giving him a handful of oats and letting him  
graze while I went to sit with Jira. Taking the plate  
of food I pushed it around the tin with my spoon, my  
appetite nowhere to be found.  
  
"Merry?"  
  
Looking up from my seat on the ground I saw Shay  
standing over me, Emma's little girl was as  
inquisitive as her mother. "Yes Shay?"  
  
"How come you're not smiling?"  
  
"Out of the mouth of babes," Jira whispered, knowing  
full well that I would hear her.  
  
Putting my plate on the ground I pulled Shay into my  
lap. "I just have a lot of things to think about  
that's all."  
  
"But you're still happy to be here with us?"  
  
Was I happy? I opened my mouth to answer her innocent  
question but no words came. I had no answer, not for  
her and not for myself. Kissing her forehead I set  
the little girl back on her feet and stood to my own.   
With a brief smile I walked off into the woods,  
questions and doubts ringing out in my mind.  
  
Stopping by a large tree I leaned against it, bending  
over to put my head in my hands. What was I going to  
do? I couldn't go back, but staying here felt wrong!   
Frowning I put an end to that thought. My place was  
here, with my family. 'But are they my true family?'   
I couldn't stop the thought from crossing my mind and  
once it had I could think of nothing else.  
  
Closing my eyes I pictured the joy on Leeler's face  
when he heard of Ruth's birth and I wondered again if  
my parents had felt the same way. What if they had?   
What if they had loved me with all of their heart and  
now they thought I was dead? Shaking my head I kept  
walking. Then I was dead to them, let it stay that  
way, less heartache, I'm sure they'd gotten on with  
their lives.  
  
Staring at my hands I realized that I had been  
dragging the pendant of my necklace back and forth  
across its chain. Opening my palm I stared at the  
intricate design of the silver pendant. In the very  
center was a scripted letter, 'M', could it stand for  
something other than Merry as I'd tried so hard to  
believe? Was it in any way possible that the 'M' was  
for MacNeill? In my head I heard his words to God,  
the love and emotion that had poured out from his  
heart.  
  
Was that love for me?  
  
"I don't know!" I cried, my voice disturbing the  
silence of the forest. "I don't know," I whispered.  
  
Dropping to my knees before a felled tree I bowed my  
head, searching my heart for an answer only to find  
none. Why couldn't I find an answer I needed? What  
was stopping me? For what reason was God keeping the  
information I so dearly needed from me? It was then  
that I realized.   
  
"Oh God Almighty," I prayed.  
  
"I know that I have always been able to come to you  
when my heart was filled with questions, questions  
that I have no answer to. You are the keeper of  
knowledge; you alone know when it will be the right  
time for me to receive the knowledge I so keenly want.  
But I beg of you... tell me... where should I be?"  
  
"The only life I can remember is the life I have had  
with my people, with Jira's family. I love them all  
so dearly but I know that they are not my true family.  
I know that out there, somewhere, are my people, the  
children I see in my dreams, the little ones who are  
so perfect. I know that I love them very much, but I  
cannot find them!"  
  
"Please... please... help me find them. Show me the right  
thing to do before it is too late. I cannot do this  
anymore. Either I must move on with Jira's family and  
forget my life I once lived or I must search on my own  
for the people who loved the woman I was. Oh God,  
which one? Which is the right path?"  
  
Kneeling in the forest I heard the wind pick up, its  
howling seemed to be singing the haunting song that  
had eluded me for so long and right then I knew.   
There was no more denying what I needed to do. The  
path was a rocky one but my time in the shadows was  
over. If I was to ever really know who I am I must  
step out of the shadows and stand in the light, for  
only then would I see the truth.  
  
Getting to my feet I moved back the way I had come,  
back to the clearing where one of my families waited.   
Emerging from the forest I saw Jira sitting alone by  
the fire, little Ruth in her arms feasting at her  
mothers breast. Crossing to them I knelt beside  
mother and daughter.  
  
"I'll miss you, my sister."  
  
She already knew. Jira, who could read my heart as  
easily as if it were an open book, my sister in every  
way that mattered to me, a dear friend that I would  
miss with every breath I drew.   
  
"No more than I'll miss you." Waiting for her to look  
at me I continued. "You gave me everything I needed,  
Jira. You gave me a family and a home but most  
importantly you gave me a friendship that I will never  
forget. Your memory has been burned into my heart and  
nothing can ever remove it from there."  
  
Smiling a sad soft smile she reached out to hug me  
close. "Ruth will hear every day about her Aunt Merry  
and the wonderful, beautiful, and wise woman that she  
was. After all, it was she that I named her after.   
Every Naomi needs a Ruth, and while I had mine for  
only a little while, I know that I will have her in my  
heart forever."  
  
Tears stung at my eyes and my throat closed. I  
couldn't speak, her simple words touching me more than  
I had ever thought possible. Hugging once more I  
kissed her cheek, both mother and daughter, and moved  
off to remove my small bag of items from the wagon.   
Standing before the people I had called family for  
over a year I had no words for them. Tears were in  
more eyes than just mine as I hugged them goodbye.  
  
"We shall return this way in one year. Whatever has  
happened we shall see you then."  
  
Nodding to Paolo I turned and began to walk away,  
unable to look behind in fear that I would loose what  
little control I had over my emotions, waiting until I  
was well out of sight before allowing the tears my  
eyes had been harboring to finally fall freely down my  
face.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
The night sky was dark, the moon offering little  
light, but I knew I needed to press on, the rain  
preventing me from sleeping under the stars as I had  
two nights ago. I had been walking for so long yet as  
I neared the cove my steps seemed to be lighter, just  
a little easier to make. Though I was sopping wet and  
exhausted I kept going, climbing the hill, climbing  
the stairs to knock on the door. It opened and I  
looked up into the startled eyes that were on the  
other side, one question burning in my mind.  
  
"Who am I?"  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Eight  
  
  
  
  
Sitting before the fire, dressed in a dry change of  
clothes, I sat huddled under a quilt, my legs tucked  
under me as I sat on the soft cushion of the  
davenport. The mission house was quiet, I was  
supposed to be asleep but I couldn't; too many things  
were running through my head.  
  
I had arrived a few hours ago, cold, wet and hungry,  
and they had taken me in without hesitation; fed me,  
gave me dry clothes, and given me a place to sleep.   
Now they were all asleep, the Reverend, Thomas Parker,  
the girl, Ruby Mae, Miss Alice. I was the only one  
awake though I wished I were as asleep as they were.   
Miss Alice had promised to answer all of my questions  
the next day; that I should rest myself.   
  
Getting up, wrapping the quilt around me as though it  
were a shawl I prowled around the first floor of the  
mission house, looking for something, anything that  
wold help me to remember. Entering the kitchen I  
looked around but saw nothing. The small dining room  
was much the same, although I swore I could smell the  
scent of burnt possum meat. Looking through the main  
room I stopped when I saw a hand drawn picture of the  
mountains framed and hanging upon the wall.  
  
"That was the first drawing thee did for the mission.   
There are several hanging throughout the two  
buildings."  
  
Turning I smiled at Miss Alice. "I drew these?"  
  
"Yes," her smile appearing. "Thee are quite the  
artist. But thee already knows that."  
  
"I don't draw much, but I could see that it looked  
very good if I took my time." Moving back to the  
fireplace I stood staring at the clock on the mantle.   
It was well past midnight. "I didn't mean to wake  
you, Miss Alice."  
  
"I could not sleep any more than thee could I'm  
afraid."  
  
For a few moments we were both equally silent.   
Sitting on a footstool by her feet I looked up at the  
soft motherly eyes and a question poured out before I  
could stop it. "Miss Alice, where is my family?"  
  
"Thy family lives in Asheville, 'tis a city many, many  
miles from here. Thee have a father, a mother, and a  
brother. At one time thee also had a sister but sadly  
she died of Scarlet Fever."  
  
"If they live in Asheville, how did I come to be  
here?"  
  
"Thee came here over four years ago to teach at the  
mission school."  
  
"Oh!"   
  
That explained my dreams, the children sitting in  
rows. I told Miss Alice of my dream and she smiled.  
  
"Perhaps thy heart was trying to help thee remember  
those thee loves. Tomorrow thee shall accompany me to  
the school for morning classes. Perhaps it will help  
thee to remember."  
  
"I'd like that, thank you!"  
  
"But that means that thee will need thy sleep."   
Standing she smiled down at me for a moment before  
moving away. "Goodnight."  
  
"Goodnight, Miss Alice."  
  
As I settled into the davenport I noticed that she  
hadn't used my name, calling neither Christy nor Merry  
and I was grateful for it. Until I knew who I was  
neither name seemed to fit me.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
That night I dreamed that the man I love had stood  
next to me while I slept at the mission. He didn't  
wake me, only pulling the quilt up around my  
shoulders, tucking the edges in and kissing my  
forehead. He whispered 'I love you' before moving  
away.   
  
This morning when I woke to find that the quilt was  
tucked in around me, though I don't remember putting  
it that way before I went to sleep. Getting up from  
the davenport and washing up a bit at the pump in the  
yard, I entered the small dining area to see the  
Doctor sitting at the table with Miss Alice and the  
Preacher. Lowering myself into the nearest seat I saw  
each of them smile at my joining them at the table. I  
smiled back just as Ruby Mae entered with a few bowls  
of oatmeal.   
  
"Thank you, Ruby Mae," as the bowl was placed before  
me.   
  
"Oh yer welcome, teacher. Hit shorly is good ta have  
ya back with us. We missed ya something fierce  
thinkin' ya was ded an all! Lordy I cain't rightly  
'magin wat it must'a bin lak fer ya! I somtimez  
wondered wat it'd be lak ta not be rememberin'  
everythin' an I shorly cain't do it. M'be itz cauz I  
ain't got no amnesia lak ya do. I wonderz if'n..."  
  
"Ruby Mae thee forgot the bread, would thee get it  
please?"  
  
"Oh shurly Miz Alice!"  
  
The girl scurried away into the kitchen and I looked  
down at my bowl, my appetite gone. I think that it  
was a good thing too, because the bowl of food before  
looked even less appetizing than Paolo's cooking,  
which had turned my stomach on more than one occasion.  
Picking up my spoon I separated one of the lumps and  
saw that it was actually a chunk of squash mixed in  
with the oatmeal.  
  
"Thee will find that Ruby Mae is very... creative... with  
our food."  
  
"Oh," still staring at the lump on my spoon.  
  
"Yer suppozed ta eat it, not stare at it," the young  
girl reminded me as she entered the dining room with  
the plate of bread and butter. "Oh! I dun fergot the  
milk too!"  
  
Putting the spoon of food into my mouth I smiled as I  
swallowed it whole as fast as I could. Suppressing a  
shudder I smiled at the girl and spooned some more,  
carefully avoiding the lumps. Across the tale I saw  
Miss Alice's mouth twitching as she suppressed her  
smile and the doctor was masking his with his pipe.   
Watching as Ruby Mae disappeared into the kitchen I  
couldn't help but smile as well, a small laugh  
escaping my lips as I put the spoon down.  
  
"Are the, um, are the meals always this... interesting?"  
  
"Just wait till dinner," the Preacher said with a  
grin. "Ruby Mae's Possum Surprise will truly define  
the meals we eat here at the mission."  
  
Putting my hand to my head I tried to stop the  
laughter that was bubbling up within. This would  
indeed be an interesting day.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
"Children! Children settle down,"   
  
Miss Alice called for order in the classroom and the  
large crowd of almost seventy children settled quickly  
into their seats. From my seat by the chalkboard I  
watched them and I saw what I had so many times in my  
dreams. I saw that they were all seated in rows the  
smallest ones up front to the larger ones in back,  
each one smiling at me with their perfect little  
faces.  
  
"As you all can see we have a visitor today."  
  
For the first time many of the children looked to the  
front corner of the schoolroom where I sat and I could  
see the shock, the delight, begin to register in their  
eyes.  
  
"Hit be Teacher!" one of the children cried out.  
  
Instantly the children began to clamor excitedly, each  
one striving to be heard above the rest. Only one  
little girl was quiet in the din of noise. Sliding  
out of her seat she approached me cautiously, her big  
eyes shiny. Stretching out her arms she climbed into  
my lap and wrapped her skinny arms around my neck,  
hugging me tightly.  
  
"I missed you teacher," she whispered in my ear.  
  
Her voice was filled with a joy that overflowed into  
my heart. How could I have ever forgotten such a  
beautiful little girl? Hugging her back I forgot  
about all the other children in the room, not  
realizing that they had all fallen silent, Miss Alice  
watching on with tears in her eyes. After a moment  
the little girl went back to her seat and I looked  
across the room to Miss Alice standing in the aisle  
way. Motioning for her to join me I stepped out of  
the classroom for a moment.  
  
"I'd like to do this alone, Miss Alice. I think I  
need to. If I was the teacher here then I probably  
did it alone."  
  
"That may not be wise on thy first day back."  
  
"I need to try."  
  
Nodding Miss Alice smiled and moved back into the  
classroom, I heard her tell the class that they should  
behave and that I would be in charge until she  
returned at noon recess. Taking a deep breath I  
prayed for Gods help and went to stand before the  
classroom. Waving goodbye to Miss Alice as she went  
down the stairs I faced the crowd of children on my  
own, unsure of how to proceed.  
  
I couldn't start as though this was the first day of  
class but I also couldn't just jump right in as though  
no time has passed. Standing in front of the silent  
room I looked over at the little girl who had hugged  
me and I was inspired. Pulling the chair I had been  
sitting on to the middle of the front of the room I  
sat down and looked at al of the children before me.   
With the added height of the step I was able to see  
all of them watching me with curious stares.  
  
"Since all of you know me I'd like to take this  
morning to get to know you. Why don't we start with  
the youngest and we'll work our way back to the  
oldest. You can come up here or you can stay in your  
seat if you'd like. When it's your turn you can tell  
me, and everyone here, your name and something that  
makes you different from everyone else."  
  
The little girl from before stood up from her seat  
when I looked at her and came back up to my side.   
Hugging me once more she said in a small voice, "My  
name is Mountie." Looking down she fingered the  
buttons on her coat before looking back up at me.   
"You gave me my buttons."  
  
Smiling at her I hugged the little girl, Mountie, and  
she returned to her seat. One by one the children  
came up to me, none choosing to stay in their seats,  
not even the older ones. I tried to remember all of  
their names and what they told me; there were so many  
of them. Creed, Little Burl, Zady, Bessie, Becky,  
Ruby Mae, Sam Houston, Clara, Festus, Issak, Orter  
Ball, Vella... I wondered how I had ever learned all of  
their names.  
  
When we got to the back of the room I saw that two of  
the older boys kept glancing at each other, nervous  
already and growing worse as we got closer to them. I  
recognized the one from the woods and I guessed that  
the other was his friend that had ridden with me to  
the mission. They introduced them selves as Rob Allen  
and John Spencer, Rob telling me of his love of  
writing and stories and John of his love of music.   
Smiling at them I saw them relax when they realized I  
held no ill will towards them.  
  
"Teacher," one of the little boys, Creed I think,  
called out when the last child had spoken. "How come  
ya don't 'member us? Is it 'cause ya waz gone fer  
s'long?"  
  
"No, silly," another one spoke up. What was her name?  
Zady? "You heard wat Miz Alice said, she gots hurt,  
thatz why she don' 'member us."  
  
Creed looked upset that he'd been called a name so I  
stepped in before it could go too far.   
  
"Now children! You are both correct but for different  
reasons." How did I put this in simple terms when I  
barely understood it myself? "You see, over a year  
ago something very bad happened to me and I was hurt.   
When a person gets hurt as badly as I was it makes  
them forget what it was that caused the pain in the  
first place. Only when they forget that they also  
forget everything else that came before it."  
  
"That's right, children," a loud voice called out from  
the doorway. Looking up I saw the doctor standing in  
the doorway, filling it with his frame, a long shadow  
falling across the floor. "That's what we call  
amnesia."  
  
Saddlebags tossed over his shoulder he walked down the  
aisle ways and placed his bags on the floor beside the  
desk. Turning back to the children he continued to  
address them, his rich voice filling the air,  
captivating the audience with his words.  
  
"You see, when something hits a person on the head  
very hard it can make that person lose their memory,  
just like Teacher said."  
  
"Watz the ferst thing ya 'members, Miz Christy?"  
  
"The first thing I remember..." Closing my eyes I tried  
to picture my very first memory, the most solid one I  
could recall. "I was lying in a bed, there was a  
quilt or a blanket over me and a woman was sitting  
next to me. She kept telling me that it was okay,  
that I was safe and I didn't need to worry anymore.   
My throat hurt, I think I'd been screaming but I  
didn't know why."  
  
Opening my eyes I suddenly realized how much I had  
said. Looking around I saw the wide-open stares of  
the children. Wincing I knew I'd said too much, they  
were scared. Quickly I got to my feet, putting the  
chair back where it had been and standing next to the  
doctor.   
  
"But everything is beginning to get back to normal now  
and thankfully I have all of you to help me remember  
who I am. So here is your assignment from me to you.   
I want you to write down the very first thing that  
each of you can remember. No matter how long ago, how  
little, or how much. Write it down and then tomorrow  
morning we can share them with each other."  
  
Looking up to the doorway I saw Miss Alice standing  
there.  
  
"And I see that it's also time for noon recess so why  
don't you all head on out after you make a note of the  
assignment for tomorrow."  
  
After a moment of writing and noting the children  
scrambled out to the yard to play. When the last one  
had gone I sunk down into one of the desks. "What a  
stupid thing to say! I should never have told them  
that," I chastised myself.  
  
"What is the matter? What did thee say?" Miss Alice  
asked as she came closer, her eyes filled with worry  
over my sudden change in demeanor. I told her what I  
had said and she nodded. "Thee is worried they will  
be scared. Perhaps they will be, but no more so than  
when they thought thee dead. Thy coming back is a  
miracle to them, they are happy above all else."  
  
"Alice is right," the doctor stepped in. "You  
answered them honestly and that's what they asked for.  
You need to get to know one another again and you've  
just made the biggest step towards re-gaining your  
relationships with them."  
  
"And now it is time for thy next step. I must stay  
here to teach but Neil is in need of a companion  
during his rounds as Dan Scott is busy with work at  
his cabin and lessons. Would thee accompany him? It  
will help thee to become familiar with the mountains  
again. Prince is saddled and ready for thee at the  
mission after thy lunch."  
  
I got the distinct feeling that I had been set up but  
I realized just as easily that I didn't mind. I had  
many questions about this place and, as one of the  
mountain people, I hoped the good doctor could answer  
them for me.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Nine  
  
  
  
Sitting across the table from the doctor, a small  
plate of bread and fruit before me, silence reigned.   
Unlike the silence I had experienced with Miss Alice  
this was an uncomfortable one, as though neither of us  
knew quite what to say. Unable to bear it any more I  
spoke first.  
  
"Tell me Doctor..."  
  
"Please... call me Neil. Doctor sounds much too  
formal."  
  
"Very well. Neil," I said purposefully. "Have you  
always lived in these mountains?"  
  
"Yep, born and raised. I've lived in my cabin for all  
but a few of my years when I lived in Pennsylvania."  
  
"Pennsylvania? What was there?"  
  
"College. I went to the Jefferson Medical College in  
Pennsylvania for several years before coming back here  
to practice."  
  
"Did you always want to be a doctor?"  
  
Leaning back, chewing on a slice of fruit, he was  
silent for a moment. I could tell he was considering  
my question. It was as though I could see the wheels  
turning behind his eyes.  
  
"No, not always. I always knew I'd wanted to help  
people, but it wasn't until a group of men came to the  
mountain to hunt that I discovered what I wanted to do  
with my life. They were doctors each and every one.   
My father led them around the mountain, showing them  
the best spots to hunt and I carried their bags. They  
took to me and when I decided I wanted to be a doctor  
they made it possible."  
  
Lunch over we moved out to the horses and were soon  
under way, my questions still flowing from my mind,  
through my mouth, to his ears. He supplied the  
answers.  
  
"What about Miss Alice? When did she move here?"  
  
"Alice came about ten years before you did, so I guess  
that makes it almost fourteen years now. She found  
her niche here, though I expect she could fit in  
almost anywhere."  
  
Maneuvering through a tricky path our conversation  
slacked off for a little bit, but before I could ask  
another question he cupped his hands to his mouth and  
hollered. An answering holler came back and we  
proceeded on.  
  
"What was that for?"  
  
"Don't ever approach a cabin without calling out first  
unless it's the mine or someone you know extremely  
well. You'd likely find yourself on the wrong end of  
a rifle."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Oh bother.  
  
Walking the horses up the trail to a ramshackle cabin  
I wondered how anyone could live here. A woman came  
to the doorway and I felt my hear go out to her.   
Years of work and hard times had left their mark on  
this woman. Her hands were red and work-worn, her  
shoulders stooped under the weight of her life, but it  
was her eyes that made me want to weep. They were  
hopeless; the life she lived had taken the young girl  
out of her and replaced her with an old woman who was  
aged far to soon.  
  
"Miz Christy! I heerd ya dun come back. We waz all  
afeered ya waz ded."  
  
"Hello," I greeted her, taking her hand firmly in mine  
though it was coated with flour and lard. "You'll  
have to forgive me, ma'am, I'm afraid I can't remember  
your name."  
  
Nodding her head in understanding, obviously she'd  
heard of my amnesia as well, she smiled at me. "My  
name be Swannie O'Teale."  
  
Though it did little to improve her face the smile was  
warm and I took it for all she'd meant. "O'Teale... are  
you Mountie's Ma?"  
  
"Yes'm, Mountie be my middle young'un, rite smack  
in'tween all th'others."  
  
"How many children do you have?"  
  
"Wal now, countin' my half wit Wilmer I gotz me seven  
littl'n's."  
  
"Indeed," Neil broke in. "Which is why we're here.   
I've come to check on little Mary, how's her arm  
doing?"  
  
While Swannie told Neil of Mary's arm we went into  
their cabin and I saw that their table was on it's  
side, one of the legs had been broken and the table  
was useless until it was fixed. It was the only table  
in the room. While Neil sat down next to a little  
girl, no older than three or four I guessed I spoke to  
Swannie.  
  
"If you'd like I could fix this table for you, it  
won't take much at all."  
  
"No ma'am, thank ya though. I cain't be beholdin ta  
no-one."  
  
"Oh but you wouldn't be," I quickly replied.   
Searching my brain for a reason I saw that Neil had  
stopped his examination of little Mary to watch. Of  
course! "You see I was thinking maybe you could trade  
me."  
  
"Wal I don' got much."  
  
"But Swannie you have the one thing I don't. You have  
the memories of the children. I don't remember them  
and I want to so very much! I'd give anything to  
remember them. If you'd tell me about them it's I who  
would be beholding to you."  
  
Behind Swannie's shoulder I saw Neil smile and nod.   
He knew full well what I was doing. I only hoped that  
Swannie would accept it.  
  
"Wal now, I guess that'd be a'right."  
  
Working together we moved the table outdoors and while  
Swannie sat on a nearby stump telling me about her  
children I repaired the leg of the table, thanking  
Mason for all his lessons in general repair and upkeep  
the whole while. By the time I was finished with the  
table I also knew much more about the O'Teale family.   
Once Neil helped me to get the table back into the  
cabin and I hugged Swannie goodbye, the adults craving  
the affection as much as the children, we were off to  
the next cabin.  
  
"Neil," I asked once we were far enough away from the  
O'Teale's. "Is this common in the cove? This fear of  
being beholding to someone?"  
  
Neil sighed. "Yes, to their detriment I'm afraid.   
The people here are stubborn Scotch-Irish who are set  
in their ways and can't see any other way of life. No  
matter how much they are hurting they won't ask for  
help."  
  
"They're too proud."  
  
"Aye."  
  
We came to the next cabin in practically no time at  
all but it was the cabin after that one that proved to  
need our help the most. Calling out a hello Neil and  
I walked our horses up to the cabin and a young'un  
came out to greet us, his little face drawn with  
worry.  
  
"Doc! Doc! Pa needs you!"  
  
Racing into the cabin with Neil I saw a woman kneeling  
on a bed next to a man who was bleeding profusely from  
his chest.  
  
"What happened Fairlight?"  
  
"Jeb waz workin' in th'barn when he lost his balance  
and tripped. He felled 'gainst a nail that waz  
a'pokin' outter a wall. Neil ya gotz ta holp 'im!"  
  
"Move aside," he said Neil's voice was gentle yet  
firm. "Christy, boil me some water for the  
instruments and scrub down the table, Fairlight, I  
need clean rags, as many as you've got."  
  
Both of us jumped to do as we had been told. As I  
settled a pot over the stove to boil I heard the  
little boy ask, "Wat c'n I do doc?"  
  
Neil looked down at the little one with serious eyes.   
"I need you to stand guard at the door Little Guy.   
You make sure nobody comes in here, not even your kin,  
you hear me?"  
  
The little boy nodded and took up a position at the  
door; his face set with determination that no one  
would enter his home until Doc said it was okay. All  
the while Neil worked over the man in the bed, doing  
what he could do stop the bleeding I stood by his  
wife's side, my arm linked through hers and suddenly I  
realized that it was the most natural feeling to stand  
here with her. This woman, Fairlight Neil had called  
her, was a woman I didn't know and yet... I did.  
  
The water boiled I put the metal instruments into it  
for a few moment to sterilize them before taking them  
out and putting the on a clean rag, lined up in a row  
for him to take as he needed. The little knives laid  
out in order, largest to smallest, and all the others  
I didn't even know how to describe were all laid out  
in a precise order that, once it was done, I had no  
idea why I'd done it like that.  
  
Neil turned from his patient's side, after he and  
Fairlight had moved the large man to the table that I  
had scrubbed, to reach for one of the instruments and  
his hand paused over the selection, his eyes taking in  
the neat rows before glancing up at me. For a moment  
I wondered if I had done something wrong, were they  
not sterile enough? But when I saw his eyes I knew it  
was nothing more than surprise. Even as he turned  
back to his patient I stored up a question in my mind  
to ask him later.  
  
Fairlight moved over to a chair by the bed and rocked  
slightly back and forth. She was worried for her  
husband I realized. Going to sit next to her I put my  
arm around her shoulders and squeezed. Neither of us  
said anything, we didn't need to; being there for each  
other was all that was needed. Before too long Neil  
had finished his work, the bleeding stopped, the wound  
cleansed and sutured. Bandaging the mans chest he  
moved over toward us, kneeling in front of Fairlight.  
  
"Jeb's going to be okay, Fairlight. The nail hit an  
artery, which is why it was bleeding so much. I've  
sewn it shut and he'll be fine. You need to make sure  
he doesn't move and stays in bed until I say other  
wise. I'll need to watch for infection but Jeb will  
be up and around in no time if he does as I say."  
  
We stayed with them until Jeb woke and Neil repeated  
all of his warnings to the man. By the time we'd left  
it was beginning to get dark out and Neil headed us  
back toward the mission house. I was trying to think  
of a way to phrase my question when he beat me to it.   
  
  
"Christy, how did you know about the instruments?   
What made you set them up the way you did?"  
  
"I don't know." I could feel my frustration building.  
How many times had I said those words for one reason  
or another? When would I know? "It just seemed the  
right way."  
  
"It was." Neil was silent for a moment before he  
stopped his horse and tuned to face me. In the bright  
moonlight I could clearly see him as he faced me.   
"Your memories are up there," pointing to my head.   
"Give them time, Lass, you'll find them eventually."  
  
"When!" I cried suddenly. Frustrated I got off Prince  
and walked a few feet away; his reigns still in my  
hands. "I've had no recollection of anything for a  
year and a half now! When am I going to remember?   
How am I supposed to get on with my life if I can't  
remember any of it?"  
  
Though my back was to him I heard Neil get down from  
his horse and approach me. I felt a light hand on my  
shoulder turning me around to face him.  
  
"You are remembering. I saw you in the Spencer cabin  
today. You may not remember every time the two of you  
have spent together but I saw how you looked at  
Fairlight; you do remember her a little bit, don't  
you?" I nodded; I had to, it was the truth. "Those  
memories are beginning to come out, Christy. You've  
got them locked up for now but little by little they  
are beginning to break free."  
  
"I don't like not knowing. It scares me."  
  
"I know, Lass, I know. Give yourself some time.   
Don't push yourself too hard or you'll go mad."  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
By the time we made it back to the mission Miss Alice  
was a little worried but not too bad. Dinner had been  
held back, waiting until we were all there to sit down  
and eat. Sitting next to Thomas and across from Miss  
Alice I could feel the preacher itching to ask a  
question.  
  
"I'm sorry if this seems rude, but I simply have to  
ask. Why is it that you wear two different earbobs?"  
  
I couldn't help but smile. "It must seem very odd."   
All of them smiled and nodded at my obvious statement.  
"You see, every woman in the family wears their  
earbobs like this. Each one has a hoop and a ball  
that corresponds with their sister. Two halves make a  
whole. There are two sets of earbobs; one that is  
hoops and the other that is balls. When we wear one  
of each set it's a reminder that our sister wears the  
other half. Its one way to help remind us that we're  
never alone in this world, because somewhere out there  
is a woman who is the other half of your life."  
  
"An outward symbol of thy bond of friendship," Miss  
Alice said.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Thomas nodded, his question answered and he proceeded  
to as Neil how his rounds had gone. I waited,  
listening to Neil tell them of Jeb's injury, while  
Ruby Mae brought out the meal.  
  
"Possum Surprise!" she cried as she emerged carrying a  
plate of steaming meat. "I made it ezpeshally fer Miz  
Christy."  
  
Setting the plate down on the table Ruby Mae took up a  
knife and cut into the meat, putting a generous  
portion on my plate and set the plate before me.   
Looking down I prayed that I would make it through  
this meal.  
  
"This looks very... creative Ruby Mae, you must have  
worked awfully hard on it."  
  
"Oh Yes'm! This here be a bran'new rec'pe, jes fer  
ya."  
  
Looking up at her I smiled brightly, as much as I  
could force it at any rate. The meat looked  
disgusting when I looked back down at it, even worse  
than the first time. Picking up my fork I lifted a  
small piece from the plate and stopped still, staring  
at the plate.  
  
"Is it... umm... is it supposed to be... moving?"  
  
"Moving!?" Alice cried with alarm as she looked down  
at her own plate. "Ruby Mae what did thee put in  
here?"  
  
"Oh dear, them spiders must not be ded yit."  
  
"Spiders?" Oh dear Lord. Pushing the plate slightly  
away I could see the tears that were beginning to  
shine with tears. I felt awful! "Ruby Mae you've put  
so much time and effort into this meal. I don't know  
how to thank you for making me feel so welcome here.   
Why don't I share one of my secret recipes with you  
and then you can help me make it for everyone else?"  
  
The tears dried almost instantly. "Shorly?"  
  
"Surely, come on, I'll show you what we need."  
  
Getting up from the table I moved with Ruby Mae back  
into the kitchen and in no time we had a meal ready,  
one of the things Ninnette and Emma had taught me to  
make during my time in their kitchen. Seated at the  
table once more I watched as they took a few bites of  
the meal, each one expressing their delight at its  
flavor.  
  
"And it's not even burnt," Neil added, his tone  
teasing.  
  
Trying to spear a run away pea I answered him  
absentmindedly. "Honestly, Neil. I burn one chicken  
and you've branded me for life!"  
  
Still trying to spear the pea I noticed the sudden  
silence and looked up to see Neil and Alice both  
staring at me. Thinking back over what I just said,  
wondering if I'd said something wrong or stupid, it  
hit me.  
  
"I burned a chicken!" Neil grinned at me. "What was  
I doing in your kitchen? I remember being there but I  
don't know why. I just remember there was a lot of  
smoke and you came rushing in. What was happening?   
Why was I there? Was I really that bad of a cook?   
Why am I remembering this? How can I remember burning  
a chicken but I can't even remember my family or my  
own name? What ..."  
  
"Lass stop!" Neil yelled over my burst of questions,  
each one more upsetting than the last. Closing my  
mouth I looked across the table at him and waited.   
"You had come to my cabin to discuss something with me  
and while you were there you made some supper. It  
wasn't that bad, we still ate it."  
  
"You ate it," I reminded him. "I wouldn't touch it."  
  
For a moment we stared at each other, the both of us  
in shock that I had remembered such a vivid detail.   
It was I who laughed first, Neil joining right in, the  
rest a few moments later. Sitting back in my chair,  
wiping the tears from my eyes I realized how much I  
needed that, something to lift the mood I'd been in  
since that afternoon.   
  
I could finally see the light at the end of a very,  
very long tunnel.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Ten  
  
  
  
Sitting on the porch of the mission house, a lazy  
Sunday afternoon stretching out before me, I doodled  
in a sketchpad that Miss Alice had given to me along  
with several pencils to use. My mind kept drifting  
back over the last month, all the work I had been  
doing in the school teaching by Miss Alice's side, and  
the progress I'd made with the children. Most of my  
memories had yet to return but a few would trickle  
through every now and then.  
  
I remembered sewing the buttons on Mounties coat, and  
assisting Neil in an operation on Little Burl. But  
mostly they were images, like a waking dream, very  
hazy and disorganized. Feelings more then actual  
facts. It was frustrating but I knew better than to  
let it get to me, which only caused stress that I  
didn't need in my life.   
  
Sitting in a rocking chair I absently began to hum the  
song that Jira had loved so much. Rocking back and  
forth, staring at my sketchpad but not really seeing  
it I was amazed when I suddenly realized I'd drawn a  
picture of a man. He was older; with kind eyes that  
were surrounded by laugh lines. His beard was grayed  
as was his hair but I knew he was very important to  
me.  
  
Who was he?  
  
Getting up I went inside to ask Miss Alice but she  
wasn't there. Finding Thomas inside relaxing with his  
book I showed him the picture but he didn't recognize  
the man either. Deciding I'd have to wait until Miss  
Alice returned I told him I'd be going for a walk.   
Warning me to be careful Thomas smiled and said to  
have fun.  
  
I didn't know where to go so I just began to walk.   
When I came to the river I followed it, lost in my own  
thoughts until, quite suddenly, I found myself face to  
face with Neil, a fishing pole held in his hands that  
was cast in the river to wait for a bite.  
  
"Well hello, Lass. What brings you this way?" he  
asked me with a smile.  
  
"I'm not sure," sitting down on a nearby rock. "I  
just started following the river and this is where it  
led me."  
  
Closing his eyes for a moment Neil suddenly faced the  
river, concentrating on his fishing line. Silence  
fell and it seemed wrong to interrupt it so I decided  
to use the opportunity to sketch my friend. Trying to  
capture the essence of his stance I looked up and was  
surprised to find that he was watching me, his eyes  
intense as he did so. I felt as though he were seeing  
me but at another time, had this happened before?  
  
"Let me see," he said suddenly, setting his pole down  
and coming over. His voice was a little thicker than  
before, I hoped he wasn't getting sick, the last thing  
this cove needed was a sick doctor. Taking the  
sketchpad from my hands he smiled. "Very nicely done,  
Lass. You keep getting better at this."  
  
I shrugged.  
  
"All things improve with time."  
  
"That they do."  
  
Suddenly I saw his pole move and I realized that he'd  
caught something. Jumping up I reached for it before  
it was dragged into the river. Holding the pole I  
could tell I was loosing the battle when suddenly his  
arms encircled me, placing his hands over mine to  
control the fishing line.  
  
"Just take it nice and easy, Lass. We don't want to  
hurry the little one; he'll get here soon enough.   
Always remember, it's the dance that matters, not the  
frying pan."  
  
The dance. For a reason I could only guess at those  
words made my heart hurt, as though I associated them  
with something sad. Yet standing by the river, Neil's  
strong arms around me as we both held the pole, it  
felt right. As though this was where I belonged.   
Leaning back for just a moment I allowed myself to  
enjoy the feelings that coursed over me. The warmth  
of his arms around me, the beating of his heart that I  
could feel in my back, a sense of safety that was  
unlike any I'd ever experienced before.  
  
Yet in the next instant my heart turned cold and I  
felt as though somehow, in enjoying the feeling of  
being in Neil's arms, I had cheated on the man from my  
dreams. The man who loved me, and who had helped me  
to get through everything this last year and a half.   
Stiffening my back I was grateful when he released me,  
I stepped away to sit on the rock once more, staring  
out at the river and at the fish that would now be  
Neil's meal.  
  
"You do realize that you're going to have to share  
this with me," he teased, though his eyes held no  
laughter in them, his jovial mood forced. "I cannot  
eat it alone when you were the one who helped me to  
capture him."  
  
And so I ended up sitting at a table several hours  
later, a plate of fish and vegetables before that  
tasted absolutely heavenly. Glancing across the table  
at him I saw Neil putting forth the effort to eat, he  
had done so every time he knew I was looking at him,  
but the times he didn't know all he did was pick at  
his plate, pushing the food around in circles. I  
wondered...  
  
"Has this happened before?"  
  
"Has what happened before?"  
  
"Me, coming down the river to find you fishing,  
sharing a meal with you afterwards."  
  
Neil looked at me for a moment. "Does this seem  
familiar to you?" I nodded. Sighing he sat back and  
folded his arms. "Aye, it has. Many times actually.   
You would go for a walk when something was bothering  
you. When you found me out by the river fishing you  
would stop and we would talk. Whatever the problem  
was it always seemed to be fixed before you left."  
  
"Was there something troubling you, Lass?"  
  
Hesitating I nodded and got up to get my sketchbook  
from the porch of his cabin. Returning to the table I  
opened it up to the picture of the man I'd drawn  
earlier. "Who is he?"  
  
Neil took the sketchbook from my hands and stared at  
the picture. "You drew this?" Again I nodded,  
waiting for him to answer me. "This is your father,  
William Huddleston."  
  
"My father?"  
  
He nodded and studied the picture some more, his eyes  
becoming distant as though he was remembering  
something. "William is a lawyer, he lives in  
Asheville with your mother and your brother."  
  
"Has he ever been here? To Cutter Gap I mean."  
  
"Yes, he was here once."  
  
Neil was holding something back, I could tell from the  
look in his eyes that there was something that he  
didn't want to say. "What? What aren't you saying?"  
  
"Lass, while he was here your father had a stroke, it  
almost killed him. He's okay now though. He's doing  
just fine thanks to you and your mother working with  
him in his rehabilitation."  
  
"Do they...?" I couldn't bring myself to say it.   
Taking a deep breath I forced the question past my  
lips. "Do they still think I'm dead?"  
  
Though he hesitated some more Neil finally did answer  
my question. "No. When you left the cove Alice and I  
called William to let him know that you were alive but  
that you had amnesia. We decided it would be best to  
let you go since you seemed to be happy with your new  
family."  
  
"And now?"  
  
"We haven't called them again yet. Alice wanted to  
see if you were here for questions or if you wanted to  
stay. She didn't want to get their hopes up if you  
were only going to leave again."  
  
We sat in silence for a while; I was trying to digest  
everything he'd told me. My family knew I was alive  
and they too had let me go thinking I would be happy.   
Staring at the picture I wondered what my father,  
William, was thinking? Did he miss me? Was he glad  
that I was alive?  
  
"Come on," Neil said after some time had passed. "I'd  
better get you back to the mission before it's too  
late."  
  
Gathering my things he put them in his saddlebag and,  
after mounting Charlie, he pulled me up behind him.   
Hanging on to his shirt we rode back in silence,  
thankfully it was a comfortable one, Neil knowing that  
I needed time to think. When we arrived at the  
mission I swung down and Neil handed me my sketchpad  
and pencil. Standing on the ground looking up at him  
I saw how tired he was, his normal spark of laughter  
that I had always seen in his eyes was dimmed.  
  
"Thank you, Neil, for everything. I'll have to come  
back down the river someday so we can do it again."  
  
"There's nothing I'd like more, Lass."  
  
Smiling at him I climbed the steps and headed into the  
mission. The door shut behind me I watched through  
the window as he rode away, my heart saddened as I  
watched him leave.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
It wasn't here.  
  
Oh dear God Almighty it wasn't here. Thwarting my  
panic before it could fully bloom I searched the  
entire room for it but it was gone without a trace.   
Maybe it was downstairs! Flying out of the room that  
Miss Alice had decreed as my own I ran down the steps  
to search the main room of the mission house. Under  
the cushions, in the corners, not a speck of dust went  
unturned.  
  
"Oh God!" I whispered my panic beginning to rise. I  
couldn't have lost it, I just couldn't!  
  
"Is something wrong?"  
  
Looking up I saw Miss Alice, Neil, Thomas, and Ruby  
Mae sitting at the table, their breakfast before them,  
each one looking up at me as I frantically searched  
the dining room as I had the main room. Looking at  
Ruby Mae I wondered if she hadn't taken it by  
accident.  
  
"Ruby Mae, the skirt I was wearing yesterday, the one  
with the pocket on the side, where is it?" I asked her  
urgently.  
  
"It waz durty, Miz Christy, 'member? Ya gotz mud  
on'it when we went a'hikin'. I tuk it down ta  
th'rivah ta wash it, it be sokin' raht now."  
  
"The river!" I cried. "Oh my Lord!"  
  
Running out of the mission house I raced with all my  
might, hoping, praying it was still there, that it  
hadn't been swept down river. I reached the riverbank  
and saw the skirt soaking in a pool of water just like  
Ruby Mae had said. Lifting the skirt that was now  
soaked with water I fumbled for the pocket,  
desperation making my hands clumsy. Finally I found  
the pocket and reached in.  
  
"No!" I yelled, tears stinging at my eyes. "Oh dear  
God no! It's gone!" Dropping the skirt I scanned the  
water, searching for a sign that it was still there.   
My own skirt was getting as soaked as the one I'd  
dropped while I searched the river until finally  
someone pulled me out of the water, shaking me to try  
and get an answer. Looking up I realized that they  
had all followed me, each one wearing a look of  
concern and fear at my actions, not understanding what  
bothered me so.  
  
"What is thee searching for?"  
  
I couldn't answer; my throat was closed off by tears  
that flowed like a torrential downpour, choking me.   
"It's gone..." I sobbed, over and over. It had been all  
I had left; the one thing that had linked me to my  
life before... to him. Miss Alice wrapped her arms  
around me, kneeling next to me in the dirt and grass,  
stroking my hair in a comforting gesture, trying to  
help though she didn't know what was wrong.  
  
"It was all I had," I sobbed. "The only thing I had  
left."  
  
And now it was gone. My heart was broken my dreams  
shattered. It had meant more to me than anything  
else; it linked me to him, to the man I loved. The  
only reminder I'd had and now it was gone.  
  
"Miz Christy," Ruby Mae said quietly, her voice  
trembling. "Iz you talkin' 'bout yer niklace? The  
one ya always warez undah yer shirt?" I nodded, my  
tears coursing down my cheeks. The necklace I would  
wear no more. "Ya didn' loze it Miz Christy. I felt  
som'mn heavy-like in yer pockit soz I tuk it out. Yer  
niklace be raht 'ere."  
  
Looking up at her I saw her reach into her pocket and  
withdraw my silver necklace. Holding it out for me to  
take back I reached out with a shaky hand and took the  
silver chain into my hands. Staring at it I saw the  
same silver chain and the same silver pendant with an  
'M' engraved in the center. Staring at it I saw my  
hope returning once more, my dreams built back up by  
the one thing that I held in my hands.  
  
"Thank you," I whispered to my red haired heroine, my  
tears were no longer of sorrow but of joy, a joy that  
filled my heart and shone out for the entire world to  
see.  
  
"War'd ya git it, Miz Christy?"  
  
"From him," I whispered, my eyes never leaving the  
pendant in my hands even as Miss Alice clasped the  
chain around my neck once more. "The man I love gave  
this to me, that's all I know. He told me that so  
long as I wear it he would always be with me. The one  
thing I never doubted, the one thing I always knew is  
that he loves me and I love him. And one day he's  
going to find me and he's going to make it all better,  
because that's what he does. He makes me better."  
  
My eyes never left the pendant in my hands, my fingers  
tracing the pattern I knew as well as the color of the  
sky. Had I though, had I looked up at the people  
around me, I would have seen the tears in Miss Alice's  
eyes and the smile on Thomas's face.  
  
But most of all... I would have seen the spark of hope  
that once more glowed within Neil's eyes.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Eleven  
  
  
  
  
Sitting on the stairs to the mission I watched the  
young children run around playing tag in the yard  
while the women folk piled food onto boards until they  
bowed under the weight. It was a celebration of the  
good harvest, there had been enough for everyone and  
the people of the cove had decided to celebrate.   
Looking over to the small band I saw Bessie and John  
staring at each other while he played. There was no  
mistaking the looks that were passing between the two  
of them.  
  
"Looks to me like we'll be having a wedding soon."  
  
Smiling I looked up at Neil as he sat down next to me.  
"It does look it doesn't it?"  
  
"You don't sound too happy about it."  
  
I'd been caught.  
  
"I am happy for them. It's just..." I moved my eyes  
back to the young couple. "They're so young, they're  
still children themselves. Their whole life is ahead  
of them but if they get married then they'll have  
children right away and she'll grow old so quickly  
while he works so very hard to support his family." I  
sighed. "They deserve better than that."  
  
"Do they?"  
  
"What!"  
  
Holding up his hands to fend of my glare Neil smiled.   
"Now hold on a minute before you pass judgement on  
what I say. What you just described is what everyone  
wants. A family, a home; granted their life is going  
to be more difficult than some others but what does  
that matter if their happy in it? They have each  
other and they love each other. That's what life in  
these mountains is all about. It's hard work but it's  
a life filled with love of their kin, their family."  
  
He had a point, as much as I wished he didn't. It was  
all that people wanted, myself included. A life  
filled with love and little else was better than a  
life filled with everything but love. Crossing my  
arms I nudged his shoulder with mine.   
  
"Well when you put it that way..."  
  
Neil laughed. Listening to its deep rumbling I  
couldn't help but smile; I did so love to hear his  
laugh. Jeb Spencer approached us before either could  
say anything else with a guitar in his hand and a  
smile on his face.  
  
"Miz Christy, we'd be ahbliged if'n' you'd join us,"  
holding out the guitar to me.  
  
I smiled back at him and took the instrument from his  
hands. Settling onto a tree stump with the rest of  
the musicians I strummed out a few notes to flex my  
fingers before falling into the tune they began to  
play. On the grass the children danced, as did a few  
of the couples, the music lively, the air festive.   
One after another we played the songs, sometimes Jeb  
sang, sometimes he didn't, and before too long it was  
time to eat.  
  
Taking my place on the stairs next to Neil, the meal  
over and filled up to the brim, I was strumming on the  
guitar, the song I knew and yet didn't, not really  
playing it just absently picking out notes.   
  
"What made you play that, Lass?"  
  
Looking up at him in confusion, "What do you mean? I  
wasn't really playing anything."  
  
"You waz playin' "Down in the Valley" Miz Christy,"  
Ruby Mae said as she passed us. "It's a right sad  
song I think."  
  
"What?"  
  
""Down in the Valley" It's the song you were just  
playing."  
  
"I never knew what it was," I told him, committing the  
title to memory. "It took me a few months to get it  
right, but even then I never knew the words or the  
name of the song. Neil, how does it go? What are the  
words?"  
  
"Play it again," he told me.  
  
Once more I played the song I knew and yet didn't.   
This time though Neil joined me, his deep baritone  
joining the sweet song of the music.  
  
"Down in the valley,   
Valley so low,   
Hang your head over,   
Hear the wind blow  
  
Hear the wind blow, dear  
Hear the wind blow  
Hang your head over  
Hear the wind blow   
  
Writing this letter  
Containing three lines  
Answer my question  
Will you be mine   
  
Will you be mine, dear  
Will you be mine  
Answer my question  
Will you be mine   
  
If you don't love me  
Love whom you please  
Throw your arms 'round me  
Give my heart ease   
  
Throw your arms 'round me  
Before it's to late  
Throw your arms 'round me  
See my heart break   
  
Roses love sunshine  
Violets love dew  
Angels in heaven  
Know I love you   
  
Know I love you, dear  
Know I love you  
Angels in heaven  
Know I love you   
  
Go build me a castle  
Forty feet high  
So I can see her  
As she goes by   
  
As she goes by, dear  
As she goes by  
So I can see her  
As she goes by."  
  
I didn't know what to say, the song had been  
beautiful, accented perfectly by his voice. We were  
silent for a little while before he spoke again.   
"Alice said there was something you wanted to talk to  
me about."  
  
"Oh. Umm, yes, actually, there was." Looking around  
I saw so many people and I knew that this was a  
conversation I wanted to have in private. "Could we  
walk to the school?"  
  
Getting to his feet Neil looked down at me and offered  
his arm, a gentle smile on his face. Lacing my arm  
through his we walked away from the celebration and  
toward the quiet calm of the empty school. Up the  
stairs to the classroom I saw a book lying on the  
floor and bent over to pick it up before sitting down  
in one of the desks, sliding over so Neil could sit  
next to me.  
  
Taking a deep breath I began.  
  
"A few days ago I spoke with Miss Alice and she said  
it was a good idea."  
  
I paused to gather my thoughts but then I didn't know  
how to start again.   
  
"What is it, Lass?"  
  
"We'll be going to Asheville for a few days. Miss  
Alice is taking me to meet my family. We'll be taking  
the train from El Pano in three days."  
  
I looked over at Neil to see that his eyes were closed  
and a pained look was upon his face. It bothered him;  
hurt him, to know that I was leaving. He felt the  
same way I did, I was sure, it was too soon, and I  
wasn't ready.   
  
"It's wrong isn't it? It's too soon; I shouldn't go.   
My place is here; I'll stay here and..."  
  
"No!" Calming himself down Neil looked over at me,  
shifting in his seat so he could see my face clearly.   
"No. You should go; you need to see your family. It  
could help to jog some memories loose."  
  
"So, you think this is a good thing?"  
  
Neil looked at me with an odd look, one that seemed to  
pierce right through me into the depths of my very  
soul. "What is it? Something scares you about this."  
  
He was right. I was scared. "What if... Neil what if..."  
  
I couldn't say it, the one thing that had been  
plaguing me since Miss Alice and I had discussed it.   
The words wouldn't pass through my lips; I feared that  
if I said them they would come true.  
  
"Say it," he commanded softly.  
  
"What if I get there and... What if I don't remember  
them?" There. It was out. I'd finally said it.   
"What if I don't remember them, Neil? My father, my  
mother, my brother? What if they're just faces in a  
crowd, people I don't even recognize? What if I'm not  
the same girl they remember? What if...?"  
  
I couldn't bring myself to say complete that thought.  
  
"What they don't love you anymore..."  
  
Nodding I looked down, I could feel the tears stinging  
my eyes. Putting his arm around me Neil drew me into  
a hug, offering me comfort with his presence, his  
strength.  
  
"That will never happen, Lass. They love you very  
much and they will never stop loving you. If you  
don't remember them then don't worry about it. You  
don't remember everything about the children and yet  
look at how you've been with them for the last few  
months. They love you and you love each and every one  
of them."  
  
"Just talk to your parents, listen to their stories,  
and get to know them as friends. It's all anyone can  
ask of you. Think about when your memories have come  
to you. Each time it's been almost as though you  
didn't have to think about it, they just came to you.   
Just stay relaxed, don't worry about anything and let  
what will happen, happen. If its nothing then there's  
nothing lost, you'll be no worse off than you are now  
except that you'll have met three more people that  
love you very much."  
  
Shaking my head I smiled at him. "I don't know how  
you do it Neil."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Make my fears go away. You always know just what to  
say or do."  
  
"That's what I'm here for, Lass. I'll always be here  
for you."  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Walking through the woods with Miss Alice I kept a  
tight grip on my satchel and a keen eye on the path.   
We would be at El Pano soon and with each step I asked  
myself one more time, 'Am I doing the right thing?'.   
I knew it was what we had decided but was it right?   
Was I ready? I was so scared. All of my fears had  
returned and I wished that Neil were here with me now,  
to make all those fears go away the way he had three  
days ago.   
  
As we walked through the woods my mind drifted back to  
the schoolroom that day, a sudden curiousness filling  
my veins. He had been so quiet after that. I knew  
there was something on his mind and yet he kept  
telling me that it was nothing. Later on I had seen  
him in a heavy debate with Miss Alice, he was angry  
and she was defending herself. Something wasn't right  
and I got the bad feeling that it was about me, the  
fact that they silenced their debate the instant they  
saw me confirming it.  
  
I was pulled from my thoughts as we left the forest  
and began walking to ward the train station; we'd  
reached El Pano. Miss Alice got our tickets and I  
stood on the platform, watching the train approaching  
from far away, my bad feelings getting worse by the  
second. When she stopped next to me I turned to face  
her and could see the same worry in her eyes that I  
saw in Neil's. Something was going on here.  
  
"Miss Alice, what's going on here? Why do you look so  
worried?" She tried to brush it off as nothing but I  
didn't believe her. "Miss Alice, please, I know  
something is bothering you. Does this have something  
to do with the argument you were having with Neil the  
other day? Is there something I should know?"  
  
"No, Christy. There are many things thee needs to  
know but this is not one of them," she answered  
cryptically.   
  
Her tone put an end to the conversation and I turned  
back to watch the train, it's black plume of smoke  
rising high into the crisp autumn air. I was told  
that I had ridden the train before, to get from  
Asheville to Cutter Gap, so I assumed that was why  
this scene seemed so familiar to me. Standing side by  
side with Miss Alice we were both buffeted by the  
steam from the engine as it passed, our skirts tossed  
about by the force of it.   
  
Closing my eyes against the hot steam, a welcome break  
from the chill of the season, I saw him. The man I  
loved, standing here, on this very platform with me as  
this same thing happened. The steam enveloping us in  
a warmth that was taken away an instant later. He had  
tightened his arms around me and spoken into my ear.   
'Are you sure you're going to be all right, Lass?'  
  
My eyes flew open and I turned to stare back in the  
direction we had come. Lass? He'd called me Lass.   
But there was only one man who'd ever called me Lass.   
Reaching for the pendant I stared at the engraved  
letter in its center. 'M' for...? Was it possible?   
Was it him? My thoughts drifted back to the look on  
his face when he'd first seen me, the same look I'd  
seen when I somehow knew these mountain folk didn't  
have enough food to eat. I remembered the tearful  
prayer the day I'd left the cove.  
  
But most of all, of all the memories I had of Neil I  
remembered the feeling of being in his arms by the  
river while we had fished. The way it had felt so  
nice, so comfortable and... so right. The same way it  
had felt so right the day we'd stood on this very  
train platform, his arms around me, his voice in my  
ear, the feeling of warmth and safety that had flowed  
over me that day, in that very moment. I stared at  
the pendant in my hand. 'M' was for MacNeill.  
  
"Oh my God!"  
  
"Christy?" Miss Alice looked over at my sudden words,  
her eyes filled with concern. "Is thee all right?"  
  
"It's Neil!" I cried to her, grasping her arm. "Miss  
Alice, all this time... it was Neil all the while! Why  
didn't he ever say anything? Why didn't he tell me?"  
  
"Thee remember Neil?"  
  
"We were standing here, on this very platform, I'm not  
sure why, but he was holding me and it was so right.   
I... Miss Alice, I love Neil! That's what the 'M' is  
for. MacNeill!"  
  
Tears sprang into her eyes and Miss Alice smiled at  
me, a watery smile but filled with joy. "Yes, thee  
and Neil were to be married. We did not tell thee  
because of thy strong belief that thee was in love  
with a man thee did not know. Had we told thee it was  
Neil we were afraid thee would leave and never come  
back. We both hoped that with time thee would  
remember on thy own."  
  
Neil... "Miss Alice, I can't leave, not before I see  
him! I have to go see him!"  
  
"Go, child, we shall make the trip to Asheville after  
thee has seen him. Go!"  
  
With a laugh I kissed Miss Alice on the cheek Iand ran  
from the platform as fast as I could, dodging people  
and animals as I ran through the small town. I  
remembered the most important thing of all...  
  
I was in love with Neil!  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Twelve  
  
  
  
  
My lungs were going to explode. I hadn't stopped  
running since I'd left Miss Alice at the train  
station. My skirt was bunched up in my hands, hiked  
up to my knees no doubt, but I didn't care who saw me  
or what I looked like; I had to get to Neil.   
Following the trail, wishing I had a horse to get me  
there faster, I ticked off the markers between me and  
him, rejoicing when I passed each one for that meant I  
was one step closer to the man I love. The fallen  
tree sitting atop the boulder, the trio of trees that  
were twisted around each other as they spiraled to the  
sky, the crook in the river where the boulder rested  
in the middle of it... and there it was!  
  
Neil's cabin.  
  
Thirty feet away from the man I loved with all my  
heart. I knew now, I could see his face in all the  
dreams I'd had. Those red curls flying in the wind as  
we rode together, the same ones that he would run his  
hand through when he was frustrated and pull on when  
he was concentrating. His blue eyes that would so  
often be filled with laughter and joy and yet can be  
so serious that you forget you ever knew how to laugh.  
The wrinkled corners of his eyes that had seen so  
much in his life and yet never gave up on the people  
he served.   
  
Twenty more feet until I could feel the strength of  
his arms around me, it was the same feeling that I had  
known only in my dreams and wondered if I would ever  
feel again. The safety, warmth, love that made me  
want to weep with joy. Feeling his hands covering  
mine, their roughness on my skin was a balm of  
comfort, a reminder that he was there with me even if  
I couldn't see him.   
  
Ten more feet until the man I loved would step out of  
my dreams and into my world to hold me, kiss me, love  
me once more in real life. Never again would I leave  
his side, wherever he went I would go with him. This  
past year and a half of nightmares would never be  
allowed to become reality again. My place was with  
him and I would never allow anything to separate us  
again.  
  
Running up the stairs I got to the door and found it  
open. Rushing inside I searched the cabin. He wasn't  
there; the cabin was empty! Running back outside I  
looked in the barn and saw Charlie munching on his  
hay. He had to be close. But where? He could have  
gone in any direction.  
  
"Neil!" I yelled. The corner of the porch caught my  
eyes and I saw that his pole was gone. "The river!"  
  
Running down the slope I was heading towards the river  
when I saw him turn away from the river and look up,  
my cry must have alerted him. The look on his face  
was a mixture of confusion and alarm as he dropped his  
pole and took a few steps towards me.   
  
"Lass, what is it? What's wrong?" he yelled to me as  
he took in my no doubt wild appearance.   
  
Still some good twenty feet away his voice was raised  
so I could hear him as I ran toward him. I didn't  
bother replying, I couldn't have had I tried, my lungs  
too busy trying to breath to waste time talking.   
Closing the distance between us I could feel a grin  
spreading over my face as I drew nearer to him.   
Finally passing the last tree I was out of the bumpy  
forest floor and ran full speed to Neil.  
  
Throwing myself into his arms I wrapped my arms around  
his neck, refusing to let go even as my hands lost  
themselves in his reddish curls and my lips found his.  
I felt his arms, those strong arms I'd dreamt of for  
as long as I could remember, close around me,  
supporting me as my legs gave out, crushing me to him  
with a force I thought would break me in two. His  
lips pressed back in a passionate kiss that was filled  
with longing, love, heartache and joy all at the same  
time.  
  
Breaking away from his lips, trying to breath I clung  
to him, chest heaving from the exertion of my run from  
El Pano. But I didn't care; I was with Neil, the man  
I love, the man whose side I would never leave. Tears  
streamed from my eyes as we stood there on the  
riverbank and over the sound of the rushing river and  
my own haggard breathing I heard it.   
  
Neil was crying.  
  
Lifting my head from his shoulder I looked at him and  
saw his watery eyes, the tears that were rolling down  
his cheeks and the smile that filled his face. Love  
shone from his face and my heart stopped when I  
remembered that it was all for me. The emotions of  
his private talk with Alice the day Jira had been  
shot, the emotive prayer I'd overheard in the  
schoolhouse... I suddenly realized the nightmare I had  
put this man through. First thinking I was dead and  
then finally to have me back only to know that I  
didn't remember who he was or how much we loved each  
other.  
  
My tears began anew as I realized how patient he'd  
been, how loving even when I didn't know it was love.   
He'd kept silent while I tried to find myself, he'd  
put himself through so much just so that I would feel  
comfortable. And I had been; from the first moment I  
had met the man I had felt safe and comfortable with  
him, a friend through and through. Now I knew why.  
  
Lowering me to the ground, set me on my feet, Neil put  
his hand to the nape of my neck and lowered his head  
to mine, his warm lips gently pressing against mine in  
a sweet loving kiss that warmed me from head to toe.   
Was it any wonder that I loved this man? One simple  
act and I was his, mind heart and soul. How could I  
have forgotten him?  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered to him, wrapping my arms  
around his chest. My voice was choked with my tears.   
"I'm so sorry, Neil."  
  
"It's over, it's done. You remember now, that's all  
that matters to me, Lass," he soothed as he hugged me  
close. "Nothing else matters."  
  
Looking up at him I knew he was right but it didn't  
make it any easier to live with, the pain that I had  
caused him would always be a memory in my heart and it  
hurt to think about it.  
  
"Stop that, Lass." My eyes widened in surprise. How  
did he always do that? "Stop thinking about it."   
Raising his hand to my cheek Neil wiped away the tears  
that rested there. "It's over, you're here, and  
nothing will ever separate us again, I promise."  
  
Stepping up to my tiptoes I kissed the tears from his  
face before wrapping my arms around him again.  
  
"I love you, Neil MacNeill."  
  
How long we stood there I'll never know, I don't care  
either, but the next thing I knew besides the feel of  
his arms around me was the sound of a horse  
approaching and it's rider calling out.  
  
"I'm glad thee made it here, I was worried when I  
didn't find thee on the path, Christy."  
  
Moving my head to peer up at Miss Alice from within  
Neil's arms I smiled at her. The worry had gone from  
her face, replaced by the joy I so often saw in the  
faces of the children. Burying my face in Neil's  
shirt I couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up  
from within, flowing up from my heart it was too  
precious to be kept within, ready to be shard with the  
world, with those I loved.  
  
"We have missed our train, why don't we have a meal  
with Neil and we may leave for Asheville tomorrow?"  
  
I shook my head. "No, I'm not going anywhere without  
Neil and he'll need a few days to arrange everything  
before he can leave." Glancing up at Neil I continued  
a little hesitantly. "That is, if you still want to  
marry me."  
  
Caressing my cheek with his thumb Neil smiled at me,  
his face soft and his eyes still bright with tears.   
"Christy Huddleston, there is nothing else in this  
world that would make me as happy as making you my  
wife."  
  
We moved up into the cabin and while Neil put the  
horse Miss Alice had borrowed into the barn with  
Charlie we set about to make the evening meal.   
Nothing fancy, just a stew with the bread Neil already  
had, but the aroma filled the house and when Neil  
entered the cabin from his work outdoors he breathed  
in its scent appreciatively.  
  
"It's been too long since this cabin has been filled  
with the smell of your cooking," he said as he came up  
behind me. "Though I must say it has improved  
drastically since the first time."  
  
Making a face at him I swatted his arm with the cloth  
I was using to wipe down the table. Laughing he  
merely moved away to stoke the fire before  
disappearing up to his bedroom. When he emerged I saw  
that he had changed out of his fishing trousers and  
donned a different pair, one that I suspected was a  
little on the newer side judging by the richness of  
the colors. The lye soap hadn't had a chance to dull  
them yet.  
  
Waiting for the stew to finish I made sure the table  
was set for three but when I stood back to look at it  
I couldn't help but feel that something was missing.   
Glancing around the cabin I saw it in the corner and  
smiled. Now I remembered what it was. "You kept it!"  
  
Following my line of sight Neil smiled. "Of course I  
kept it."  
  
Crossing the room Neil took the centerpiece from its  
lace on his desk and brought it over to the table,  
setting it in the exact center of the wooden table and  
lighting the candle with a twig from the fire.  
  
"What is this?" Miss Alice inquired. "It's quite  
pretty."  
  
"Thank you," I smiled at the compliment. "I made this  
as a centerpiece for the first meal I we shared here  
after we started courting."  
  
"It's become sort of a tradition for us Alice.   
Whenever we have dinner here this is always on the  
table and lit."  
  
The three of us stared at the centerpiece with its two  
candles centered in a ring of dried flowers. The ring  
of flowers was one Neil had made for me on one of our  
walks. I had dried it that night and was keeping it  
in my dresser but the idea had come to me after seeing  
Ruby Mae make one for the mission. Though hers had  
taken only a few moments to put together mine was a  
little more elaborate, including little things that  
meant something to each of us.  
  
The wooden circle that the flowers were attached to  
had the MacNeill clan symbol painted onto it while the  
candles were ones that my mother had given to me  
during my last visit to Asheville. With the two long  
tapers centered in the ring there was plenty of room  
around them to add a candle for each of the children  
Neil and I had talked about having.  
  
The stew done I served the three of us before sitting  
down at the table with them. Neil offered a prayer to  
God before we began to eat, thanking him for the  
blessing he'd been given of having me back with him  
once more. I was glad that my head was bowed for I  
could feel the tears stinging at my eyes as he prayed.  
My hand joined with his I felt him tighten his grip  
for a moment after he'd ended the prayer and we began  
to eat.  
  
"The made remarkable time to the cabin today Christy.   
I was sure I would pas thee on the road since I was on  
horse and thee was not."  
  
Smiling at her I couldn't help but laugh. "Actually  
Miss Alice I ran the whole way. I'm sure my legs will  
be quite sore tomorrow morning."  
  
"You ran here from El Pano?" Neil asked, his eyebrows  
raised in surprise.   
  
I nodded a little sheepishly. "I'd waited a year and  
a half to find you, Neil, I wasn't going to wait  
another moment longer."  
  
Under the table Neil reached for my hand, encasing it  
within his own, his thumb caressed the palm of my hand  
for the rest of the meal. The dishes washed and the  
table wiped down we retired to the hearth to talk in  
front of the fire. Miss Alice sat in Neil's reading  
chair while we sat down on his small bench seat. My  
legs curled under me I leaned against his sold chest,  
Neil's arm draped over my shoulders and we talked the  
night away.  
  
Finally Miss Alice declared it was time to sleep and  
climbed the stairs to Neil's bedroom that we two would  
share, leaving poor Neil to sleep in his chair. With  
an order to join her in no more than five minutes she  
left us to say goodnight. Though we still hadn't  
moved from the bench seat Neil looked down at me and  
smiled.  
  
"Two day and we'll be off to Asheville, no more than  
that I promise."  
  
"I don't care," I replied to him, looking up to meet  
his eyes. "I don't care where we go or what we do so  
long as it's always together."  
  
"We will be, Lass. I am never going to let you out of  
my sight again." Leaning his head down he kissed my  
forehead before removing his arm from my shoulders.   
"But for now, you have to go up stairs and sleep, you  
are exhausted."  
  
Agreeing I uncurled my legs and stretched them only to  
cry out in pain. Recognizing the situation  
immediately Neil disappeared into his lab and returned  
with a small jar of cream. Lifting me up he carried  
me up the stairs, calling out to Alice that she'd  
better be decent and to open the door. I heard her  
scurry around, no doubt to don a robe, and hurriedly  
opened the door.  
  
"What's happened?" she asked, starting at the sight of  
me in Neil's arms.  
  
"Her legs have cramped," Neil replied as he deposited  
me on the bed. "Alice rub this on her legs, massage  
them as you do, it will help with the pain and by the  
morning you won't be quite so sore." Putting his  
hands to my face Neil leaned down, kissing me gently.   
"Goodnight Lass," he whispered.  
  
Offering a goodnight to Alice he shut the door behind  
him and I heard Neil descending the stairs. Miss  
Alice helped me to change into my nightgown and then  
while I sat on he bed she did as Neil had instructed,  
massaging the cream into my aching legs. Though it  
hurt at first by the time she was done I could already  
feel the knots in my muscles beginning to loosen up.  
  
We were both sound asleep when the pounding began at  
the door. Miss Alice sprang out of the bed, donned  
her clothes faster than I thought possible and was  
down the stairs even as Neil answered the door.   
Moving a little more slowly, my legs still somewhat  
sore, I threw my skirt on over my nightgown and  
grabbed a shirt I saw hanging off the chair in the  
corner to wear over it. Racing to put on my shoes I  
hurried down the stairs and saw Neil reaching for his  
saddlebags while Miss Alice put on her coat; Bob Allen  
waiting nervously by the door.  
  
"Lass, stay here, I need to go to the Allen's. Come  
morning you..."  
  
"No, Neil, I'm not staying here. I'm coming with  
you."  
  
Neil shook his head. "Bob, go saddle Charlie, I'll be  
right there, Alice you'd better saddle your horse as  
well." The pair left the cabin and Neil turned to me,  
placing his hands on my shoulder and forcing me to  
meet his eyes. "Listen to me, Christy, I don't know  
what's wrong with Creed and I'm not going to risk you  
getting sick. I want you to stay here."  
  
"No." He opened his mouth to say something else but I  
wouldn't let him. "The last time I left you by choice  
I never saw you again. I'm coming with you."  
  
Staring down at me I saw his eyes soften. Sighing he  
pulled me into his arms for a moment, holding me  
close. I could hear his voice from deep within his  
chest as he said, "All right Lass, but I want your  
word that if I say to go to the mission... you'll go."  
  
Nodding my head I gave him my word. My hand in his we  
ran out to the yard where bob was waiting with  
Charlie, saddled and ready to go. Neil mounted and  
reaching down to pull me up. Moments later we were  
off, racing towards the Allen's in a desperate race to  
save a sick little boy.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Thirteen  
  
  
Arriving at the Allen Cabin the first thing I saw was  
the children huddled in the far corner of the cabin,  
bunched together, each one staring at their brother  
wide eyed. From the eldest to the youngest I could  
see that each one was scared for their kin. Neil and  
Miss Alice moved to Creed as he lay on the main bed;  
he looked so small to me, so fragile as he lay there,  
oblivious to the world around him, to the fear and  
worry of the people who loved him. As Neil examined  
the little boy I could se his frown grow more and more  
defined, his eyes becoming more and more serious.  
  
Whatever that was wrong with Creed was something very  
bad.  
  
"Children why don't we go outside for some fresh air?   
Come on," I motioned for them to come with me.  
  
Moving away from the house I tried to keep them  
occupied with some games and such so that their mind  
would be son something other than the goings on inside  
their home. After sending them out in a search for  
some firewood we built a small fire in the yard and  
settled down around it. With Little Burl in my lap I  
began to tell them a story from the top of my head.  
  
"Little Burl you might remember the beginning of this  
story but now all of you get to hear it as well. Now  
I need all of you to remember this story so that when  
Creed is all better you can tell it to him just like  
I'll tell it to you. Can you do that?"   
  
They all nodded and so I began the story.  
  
"It's about the wicked Hoptoad and the Little Yellow  
Dragon. Now this was a beautiful little Yellow Dragon  
and he lived right down there by the edge of your own  
Blackberry Creek. He was very happy because he loved  
that gurgling water. Only one thing was wrong, the  
poor little dragon couldn't speak because the wicked  
Hoptoad had stolen his voice many, many years ago."  
  
"Every day the Little Yellow Dragon went down to the  
creek to listen to the water gurgling past him and to  
get a drink. One day though the Little Yellow Dragon  
discovered a young boy sitting on a large rock in the  
center of the creek. The young boy was crying and  
when he saw the Yellow Dragon he got scared. But the  
Little Yellow Dragon smiled to show the little boy  
that he wouldn't hurt him."  
  
"'What are you?' the little boy asked the dragon, for  
he had never seen a yellow beast before. But the  
Little Yellow Dragon could not answer the boy for he  
had no voice. Instead he raised one of his mighty  
paws and ever so gently wiped away the young boys  
tears from his face and nuzzled him gently with his  
nose. The boy stopped crying and smiled back at the  
Little Yellow Dragon. Soon they were playing together  
and the young boy forgot all about why he was crying."  
  
"Soon night time came and the Little Yellow Dragon  
knew that the boy had parents who were worried about  
him so he pushed the boy towards the forest so he  
would go home to his family. The young boy began to  
cry again for he remembered why he was by the river in  
the first place. 'My Ma and Pa were taken away from  
our home!' he cried. 'The wicked Hoptoad took them to  
work in his castle in the mountains and I'll never see  
them again!'"  
  
"The Little Yellow Dragon grew sad. The young boy had  
no family, the wicked Hoptoad had stolen them the same  
way he had stolen the Little Yellow Dragon's voice.   
This was too much for the Little Yellow Dragon to  
bear. No one deserved to have their family taken  
away, especially not by someone as mean as the wicked  
Hoptoad. Lifting the young boy onto his back the  
Little Yellow Dragon began to flap his mighty wings  
and no sooner than the boy could blink his eyes than  
they were up in the sky, flying through the clouds!"  
  
"When the Little Yellow Dragon got to the castle he  
perched on the highest tower so that no one would see  
him from way up there and they looked for the boys  
parents. 'There they are!' he cried. 'Ma and Pa are  
down there!' Sure enough the Little Yellow Dragon  
looked down and saw the boys family working very hard  
in the castle courtyard while the wicked Hoptoad slept  
in his chair. As quietly as it could the Little  
Yellow Dragon swooped down from the tallest tower and  
landed in the courtyard."  
  
"The young boy jumped off of the Little Yellow  
Dragon's back and ran to his Ma and Pa. At first they  
had been scared when they saw the yellow beast but  
when they saw their own son running towards them they  
were so happy that they forgot to be scared. 'Come  
on, we can go home now, my new friend will fly us home  
on his back,' the young boy whispered to them as he  
pulled them toward the Little Yellow Dragon. While  
the May and the young boy climbed onto the Little  
Yellow Dragon's back the Pa went over to where the  
wicked Hoptoad was sleeping."  
  
"Very carefully he cut the string that held a bottle  
around the Hoptoads neck and with the bottle in is  
hand the Pa ran to this family, joining them on the  
back o the Little Yellow Dragon. With all the extra  
weight it was very difficult for the Little Yellow  
Dragon to fly but with the encouragement of the family  
on his back he soon made it up inot the air and landed  
them safely back at the river where the young boy had  
first met the Little Yellow Dragon."  
  
"'Thank you for saving us,' the Ma cried to the yellow  
beast. 'The wicked Hoptoad was very mean and he said  
we would never leave his castle, that we were to be  
his slaves for the rest of our lives. Thank you so  
much!' Reaching up as far as she could the Ma kissed  
the Little Yellow Dragon on his cheek. Blushing the  
Little Yellow dragon ducked its head. It had never  
been kissed before, especially never by a lady. After  
a moment the Pa approached the Little Yellow Dragon  
with the bottle still in his hands."  
  
"'You saved our lives and we are very beholding to you  
for that. I hope that this will repay you for  
everything you did for us.' Looking at the bottle the  
Little Yellow Dragon grew very excited. It was the  
same bottle that the wicked Hoptoad had captured the  
Little Yellow Dragon's voice in many, many years ago.   
Taking the bottle from the Pa the Little Yellow Dragon  
opened it and lifted the bottle to his lips. His  
voice flowed back out of the bottle and into his  
throat and finally, after many, many years, the Little  
Yellow Dragon could speak again!"  
  
"'Thank you so much for giving me my voice back!' he  
said to the family. 'The wicked Hoptoad had stolen it  
from me many, many years ago and I was never able to  
get it back.' Everyone smiled at each other and that  
night the Little Yellow Dragon had dinner with his new  
friends. The young boy grew up and he and the Little  
Yellow Dragon were the very best of friends forever  
and ever."  
  
My story complete I looked around at the children and  
I could see that they were very involved in the story,  
they had forgotten all about Creed. Smiling at them I  
asked which one of them would repeat the story to me,  
I had to be sure they had it right so they could tell  
it to the rest of their kin another time. One by one  
they repeated the story to me. Rob even wrote it down  
so that they would have a written copy just in case  
they ever did forget it.  
  
As the last child was telling the story I looked  
across the yard to see Neil standing in the doorway  
watching us. Meeting my eyes he nodded and gave me a  
small smile. Everything would be okay; Creed would be  
okay. Closing my eyes for a moment I thanked God for  
the news and tried to will away the tears I could feel  
stinging at my eyes.  
  
"Teacher? Be ya tired?"  
  
Looking down at Little Burl I smiled at him. "No  
Little Burl. Please, continue with the story."  
  
Little Burl finished his story as Neil walked over to  
our little group by the fire. Waiting until Burl was  
finished to make himself known he knelt down among the  
children when the boy was done.   
  
"Listen to me very carefully children. Creed is going  
to be just fine but he needs to stay in bed for quite  
some time so that he can heal properly. When he's  
finished sleeping then you can tell him your story but  
for now he needs to sleep, understand?" The children  
nodded. "All right then. Go see Miss Alice and  
she'll let you see Creed for a few moments. But be  
very quiet."  
  
The children got up and ran for the house, entering  
the cabin as quietly as they could given their  
excitement that their brother would be all right.   
  
"Thank you for keeping them occupied, Christy. It was  
exactly what was needed."  
  
Shivering against a sudden wind I pulled the shirt I  
was wearing tighter around me I smelled the scent of  
pipe tobacco, lye soap, and rubbing alcohol in the  
breeze. It was then that I remembered that the shirt  
I had grabbed was one of Neil's, the one he had taken  
off before dinner when he changed.  
  
"I think I like it better on you than on me," he  
grinned.  
  
Smiling back I watched as he got up from his spot on  
the ground. Neil sat down on the log next to me and  
rubbed at his neck. I cold see that he was sore from  
bending over the table for so long and ordered him to  
sit on the ground in front of me. Once he was there I  
rubbed my hands over his neck and shoulders, massaging  
away some of the tension I could feel there.  
  
"That feels so good, Lass," he groaned in  
appreciation. "You always knew exactly when I needed  
this."  
  
"I guess some things are just habits that run deep. I  
never really forgot them, they just come naturally."   
Working for a few more minutes I asked, "Neil, what  
happened? What was wrong with Creed?"  
  
"It was his appendix, had we been any later it would  
have burst. But he'll be all right. I'll need to  
watch for infection but the operation went smoothly.   
I'll make sure Dan Scott gets over here to keep an eye  
on him while I'm gone."  
  
"Can you leave with Creed still recovering?"  
  
Neil turned to face me, twisting himself around so the  
he could see my face, his eyes to mine. "Nothing is  
going to keep me from getting married to you, Lass.   
Creed will be fine and I trust Dan Scott to watch over  
the cove while we're gone."  
  
Grabbing my hands he brought them to his lips, kissing  
each one before Miss Alice called him back in.   
Standing we walked to the cabin, hand in hand, to  
visit with the little boy who was just beginning to  
awake from his induced sleep.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Once again we were standing on the platform of the  
train station in El Pano, this time though Miss Alice  
and I were joined by Neil. Watching the both of them  
I saw that, just as she had the last time, both were  
nervous about something, their eyes darting all  
around. Looking everywhere and yet nowhere at the same  
time.   
  
"Neil? Is everything all right?"  
  
Looking down at me he nodded and tried to smile.   
"It's fine, Lass."  
  
Sighing I decided to be upfront about it and just  
confront him. "Neil, don't lie to me." That got his  
attention. "I know that there is something abut this  
that I'm not remembering, Miss Alice said as much the  
last time we were here. I have nothing to be scared  
of so long as you are here with me. And the same goes  
for you. So long as we're together everything will be  
okay."  
  
Closing his eyes Neil took a deep breath and hugged me  
close. "You're right, Lass, you're right. Everything  
is fine so long as I have you by my side."   
  
Kissing my hair he released me so that we could board  
the train. Seated in the bench seats, Neil and I on  
one and Miss Alice on the opposite one facing us, the  
train ride passed smoothly and we were soon getting  
off at the station in Asheville. Neil and Miss Alice  
seemed to breathe much easier once we were off the  
train and they were soon leading the way down streets  
I didn't know until we stopped before a large house  
and a very pretty neighborhood.  
  
Around the one side of the house I could see a tree  
house built in a large tree that sat in the corner of  
the property. The garden was beautiful, autumn blooms  
still there to be seen and smelled. Taking a deep  
breath I walked up the walkway with my two dearest  
friends on either side of me. Neil knocked on the  
door and moments later a young woman answered, her  
black dress and simple apron telling me that she must  
be a servant.  
  
"Please come in. May I say who's calling?"  
  
"Just tell them that it's family," Neil told her as he  
shed his own coat and helped me out of mine.  
  
While she went off to announce us I checked my  
appearance in the mirror. I had chosen the best dress  
I had, a simple white blouse and a deep blue skirt,  
both in good repair. Nervously I patted down a stray  
hair and I saw Neil wink at me in the mirror. Smiling  
back at him and took his hand in mine as we were led  
down the hallway to what I assumed was a sitting room.  
  
Standing in the doorway I saw a young man sitting at a  
desk, a book open in front of him, obviously studying.  
There was an older woman sitting in a chair working  
on her stitch work. But it was the older man that  
held my attention. I recognized him immediately from  
the sketch I had drawn; the man Neil had said was my  
father. Our presence announced by the young woman I  
watched as all three looked up, their expressions as  
varied as the clouds in the sky, each one very  
different from the next, yet each one both shocked and  
amazed.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Fourteen  
  
  
  
It was the elder man who stood up first.  
  
The woman, whom I assumed was my mother, paled and  
simply sat staring at me in shock, her eyes glued to  
my face. And off to the one side the young man sat  
behind the desk, also staring in shock, he must be the  
younger broth Neil had told me about.  
  
But it was the older man, the one I recognized from my  
sketchpad, who approached me, his eyes blinking  
rapidly, lower lip slightly quivering, and he took my  
hand in his two big warm ones. "Christy," he began,  
his one word was half a question and half a whispered  
prayer. With a small shake of his head the man smiled  
at me. "My name is William Huddleston. I... I'm your  
father." He paused and looked at me uncertainly. "Do  
you remember me?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I don't remember everything. I did  
remember your face but I didn't know who you were  
until Neil told me."  
  
William smiled at me with a kind smile; one that I  
knew meant a great deal to me. "Then that is a  
beginning. We shall simply have to get to know one  
another again." Taking my hand he led me over to the  
woman. "This is my wife and your mother, Julia  
Huddleston."  
  
She stood and wrapped her arms around me in a fierce  
hug before stepping back and wiping the tears from her  
eyes. I wish I could have said I remembered her but  
the truth was that I didn't.  
  
"And I'm George," the younger man said, rising from  
his seat at the desk to introduce himself. "Your  
highly annoying little brother."  
  
I smiled at him as we shook hands. I could tell I  
liked him already. "I wish I knew what to say to all  
of you. 'It's nice to meet you.' doesn't seem right  
but neither does 'It's good to be home,'. I'm afraid  
I don't know what to say."  
  
"Then why don't we start with 'Hello,' and we'll take  
it from there." William kissed my cheek before  
turning to face my two companions. "Neil, Miss Alice,  
it's a pleasure to see the both of you again. We had  
no idea you were coming."  
  
"Well, Alice was going to come with Christy as it was  
but a few days ago Christy remembered who I really am;  
what we mean to each other." I looked up at him to  
see Neil smiling at me, his eyes twinkling, and I  
couldn't help but blush. "We're here so that Christy  
can get to know her family before they attend her  
wedding."  
  
William and George broke out into grins, their joy  
apparent, but Julia, my mother, seemed hesitant before  
offering her smile and joining in the congratulations.  
We were escorted upstairs to the guest bedrooms to  
freshen up before dinner and when I entered my room I  
was hit with a sudden feeling of familiarity, as  
though I knew this room.  
  
"This was your room, darling," Julia said as she stood  
in the doorway. "I've never touched anything in here,  
leaving everything the way you left it when you went  
off to teach in the mountains."  
  
With a small wistful smile she left me to freshen up,  
closing the door behind her. Standing in the room I  
looked around, taking in the canopy bed, the vanity,  
the walk in closet, the bureau, and the tall mirror.   
An ornate bedroom compared to my room at the mission  
and those I'd seen in the cabins of the cove. I had  
been told that I came from a well off family but this  
was so much more than I had ever dreamed of. Quickly  
I put those thoughts from my mind, washed my face,  
freshened my hair and clothes before leaving the  
bedroom to see Miss Alice in the hallway.  
  
"How is thee faring?" she asked with a kind voice.  
  
"Well enough I suppose. I'm a little overwhelmed at  
the moment."  
  
"'Tis to be expected I would say. Give it some time,  
thee will come to know thy family again. Until then  
Neil and I are here for thee whenever thee needs us."  
  
Thanking her we went downstairs together and joined  
our hosts... my family... in the dining room. The dinner  
began with a little tension but soon conversation was  
flowing and before I knew it, it was time to retire to  
bed, the night had passed by unnoticed. Neil escorted  
me to my room, kissing me goodnight before turning in  
to his own room. Lying in the bed, staring up at the  
canopy I wondered what my life had been like when I  
had lived here in Asheville.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Standing before a mirror I looked at the dress that  
was fitted to my body. Though the dress in itself was  
a beautiful gown I knew it wasn't what I wanted.   
Julia... my mother, had said that it was all the latest  
fashion but staring at my reflection in the mirror I  
knew it wasn't the one for me. This was the fifth  
dress she had asked me to try on and it was the fifth  
one I had rejected for one reason or another. Too  
frilly, too tight, too loose, too extravagant... none  
were right for me.  
  
It was tiresome.  
  
Over breakfast she had informed everyone that she and  
I would go shopping for a wedding dress and my heart  
had stopped still. An entire day with a woman I'd  
just met whom I did not remember as being my mother.   
Oh dear Lord. But thankfully Miss Alice had stepped  
in and said that she would like to come along, it had  
been so long since she'd been to town she was  
interested to see the latest fashions. While there  
was some truth in her words she, Neil, and I knew she  
was going along for the sole reason of helping me  
adjust to the woman who was my mother.  
  
And she had been a Godsend; an anchor in the storm; a  
buffer of protection between Julia and I. Now,  
standing before the mirror I met her eyes and she knew  
this was the sixth dress that I would reject. If only  
I could make Julia understand, this type of dress, the  
latest fashion, the frump and frills was not for me.   
I wanted a dress that was simple, one that I could  
wear again for the ceremony in the cove and not have  
the women of the cove feel poorer than they already  
were.  
  
So far this shopping trip had been a waste. The only  
good thing to come of it was that I got to know Julia  
a little better. She was a very prim and proper  
woman, a woman of society. How had it come to be that  
she had let her only daughter move out to the  
mountains of Tennessee to teach school in a backwoods  
mission? The answer to that one still eluded me. It  
seemed that at almost every turn she was remarking on  
some highlight of living in Asheville. Commenting on  
how this or that would never be found in Cutter Gap or  
El Pano for that matter.  
  
By the time we were to eat the noon meal we still had  
not found a wedding dress that was to my liking. I  
felt as though I were letting her down somehow; it  
bothered me that I couldn't make her happy. We were  
meeting my father and Neil at a small café in the  
heart of town when a young woman approached me with a  
too bright smile.  
  
"Christy?" she cried with a gasp. "Christy Rudd  
Huddleston! How dare you come to Asheville and not  
come see your best friend."  
  
Pulling me into a polite hug she stepped back to look  
me over. I saw her eyes falter at the mismatched  
earbobs in my ears but she recovered and pretended not  
to notice them. Chatting away for a few moments about  
people and events I had no recollection of she  
suddenly stopped and eyed someone behind me.  
  
  
"My, my, my," she gushed. "Who is that tall drink of  
water walking this way with your father? I've never  
seen such a handsome man; so rugged, so... manly."  
  
Turning around I saw Neil and William walking towards  
us, both men dressed in finely tailored suits, though  
even with all the effort he'd put into it a curl or to  
still escaped from their prison atop Neil's head.   
They stopped next to our small group and the young  
woman sidled up to Neil to introduce herself. I  
watched her place her hand on his arm, leaning in  
towards him slightly, and it made my blood boil.   
Before I knew what I was doing I had grabbed Neil's  
hand within my own and smiled at my so-called friend.  
  
"This is my fiancé, Dr. Neil MacNeill."  
  
My tone was clear. Neil was mine and she had better  
back away. She took note of the thinly veiled message  
and stepped back, greeting William with a slightly  
less bright smile, before announcing she had to be on  
her way. As Julia, William, and Miss Alice stepped  
inside to claim a table at the small café Neil held me  
back for a moment.  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
Watching the young woman disappear around the corner I  
didn't bother to hide the look of contempt I could  
feel on my face. "Someone I don't think I want to  
remember."  
  
Laughing Neil brought my hand to his lips, kissing it  
with a smile. "You have nothing to fear, Lass,  
absolutely nothing."  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Standing before a row of books in the library I  
scanned the titles, trying to choose one to read. A  
hand reached over my shoulder and grabbed a copy of  
Utopia and held it out to me. Turning around as I  
took the book I saw William standing behind me with a  
soft smile on his face.  
  
"This one was always your favorite," he said. "You  
said that it reminded you that we are all just peasant  
people in this world, subject to the laws that are  
beyond our control as well as the ones we enforce upon  
ourselves."  
  
"Thank you," I whispered as I looked down at the book.  
  
"Christy, I want you to know something..."  
  
Sitting down on a chair he motioned for me to do  
likewise, waiting until I was settled in one of the  
reading chairs to continue.  
  
"I don't expect anything from you. I'm sure that this  
is a very difficult time for you right now, especially  
trying to find a love for someone that you simply  
cannot remember. Whether or not you know who I am,  
whether or not you will ever remember my place in your  
past, I will always love you as my little Girlie, no  
matter what."  
  
Looking down I was afraid that if I met his eyes I  
would loose the control I had over my tears, his words  
moving me to them against my own will. Somehow he  
knew how difficult this was for me and he wasn't going  
to try and make me remember, try to force me to say  
what I couldn't feel in my heart. Yet at the same  
time, by his one simple act of letting go until I was  
ready I knew that everything I had been told was the  
truth, I felt it in my heart... this man was my father.  
  
"Thank you, Daddy."  
  
Closing his eyes for a brief moment when he opened  
them I could see that they were as shiny as mine were.  
One word, yet it held so much love within it.   
Nodding he stood and crossed the room to me, placing a  
tender kiss on the top of my head before moving out of  
the library to retire to bed with his wife. A few  
moments later, book in hand, I climbed the stairs and  
as I was passing the master bedroom when I heard the  
muffled tears from within. Stopping, even though I  
knew better, I listened.  
  
"Why, William? Why can't she remember me, her own  
mother? Do I mean so little to her?"  
  
I didn't hear his reply before I fled the closed  
doorway, running down the hallway to Neil's room. Not  
bothering to knock, I rushed into his room, closing  
the door behind me before allowing my tears to fall.   
Pausing mid-stride as he crossed the room, in the  
middle of buttoning a flannel shirt, Neil's eyes  
widened at the shock of my sudden appearance only to  
grow concerned when he saw my tears. With two long  
strides he was by my side, pulling me into his arms,  
soothing me with soft words and even softer hands  
caressing my back and hair, giving me the time I  
needed to pull myself to gather before inquiring about  
what had happened.  
  
"I can't do it, Neil, I just can't! She wants me to  
remember her so much but I don't! Why can I feel the  
love in my heart for Daddy, but not for her? She's my  
mother and I don't feel anymore for her than I would  
for a stranger on the street! What kind of daughter  
am I? How can I not find the love in my heart for my  
own mother?"  
  
"Ah, so that's what it is." Moving away from the door  
Neil sat me down on the edge of the bed and kneeled in  
front of me, our hands joined in my lap. "Lass, you  
can't help whom you remember and whom you don't.   
Amnesia isn't something you can control; it does as it  
pleases. Think about how long it took you to remember  
the people of Cutter Gap. When you first came home  
you didn't know any of us, but as you spent time with  
us you began to remember."  
  
"Everything you saw was a little clue, a small piece  
of the puzzle. Christy you have to give yourself time  
for that to happen here. You remembered your father  
first, and I had a feeling it would happen that way.   
The two of you are very close. Give Julia and George  
some time. It will happen, I promise."  
  
"It doesn't make it any easier."  
  
"I know, but that's what I'm here for."  
  
Looking down at Neil through a haze of tears I knew  
that it would be okay. Neil was right; everything  
would be okay. I had remembered my father; surely my  
mother would be next. Drying my tears with the  
handkerchief he offered I suddenly realized that his  
shirt was only half buttoned. In the crook of the V I  
could see a smattering of curls, the same reddish  
color as his hair, against the pale skin of his  
muscled chest. Of its own accord my hand reached out  
to feel the coarse curls that were peeking out of the  
unbuttoned shirt.  
  
Oh my.  
  
Grasping my hand in his own Neil brought it up to his  
lips. Getting to his feet he pulled me up with him,  
placing his hand to my face, caressing my cheek with  
his thumb. Lowering his face Neil laid claim to my  
lips, his one hand never leaving my face. Backing me  
up a few steps I felt myself getting lost in his kiss,  
the sensations, the love filling every cell in my  
body.  
  
Suddenly it was over. Opening my eyes I saw that I  
was standing in the hallway. Backing away from me  
Neil smiled shakily; his breath ragged as though he'd  
been running, and started to close the door.   
"Goodnight Lass."  
  
Watching the door closing I was dumbfounded. What had  
just happened here? One minute we were kissing and  
the next I'm alone in the hallway, pulse racing,  
breath ragged, feeling as though my skin were on fire.  
How could he do this to me? Staring at the door I  
heard the click of the latch and lock just before I  
heard a thud, as though someone had leaned back  
against it. It was then that I realized that what had  
just happened had been hard for him to do, as hard as  
it was to have happen to me.  
  
I wasn't sure exactly what had happened or why he had  
done it but I knew better than to go in. I didn't  
think I could handle anything else right now, not with  
these emotions and feeling running through my body. I  
needed to sort them out before I could do anything  
else. Touching my hand to the door I whispered a  
goodnight before moving off to my own bedroom, my  
heart as jumbled as my head and my body feeling as  
though it were on fire.  
  
I knew I wouldn't sleep tonight.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Fifteen  
  
  
This morning I had woken to the sound of little  
pebbles hitting my bedroom window. Getting out of bed  
I looked out and saw George motioning for me to join  
him. Curious I had dressed and made my way down the  
stairs and out the back door into the yard. In my  
haste I had forgotten a shawl, which is why I am  
shivering in the early morning autumn air.   
  
"Over here," George smiled. "I want to show you  
something."   
  
Leading me to the far corner of the yard he climbed up  
a wooden ladder into the small tree house I had  
noticed when we arrived. Following him, a little  
difficult to do in a skirt, I felt as though I had  
been transported to an entirely different time. The  
walls of the little tree house were painted with  
castles and dragons, moats and knights. It was  
amazing!  
  
"You built this for all the kids in the neighborhood  
back when we were young. Every Saturday afternoon we  
would gather in here and you would tell us stories  
about the pictures you had drawn. My favorite one was  
the story of the Little Yellow Dragon and the Wicked  
Hoptoad that had stolen his voice. You were always  
coming up with little stories to tell us."  
  
And suddenly, as though someone had taken a blindfold  
off of my eyes, I remembered all those afternoons,  
sitting up here with all the little boys and girls,  
telling stories and sharing tales until our mothers  
would begin to call us in for the evening meal.   
George and I were always the last ones to leave.   
Looking across the small tree house at the young man I  
smiled. "I remember, George."  
  
Holding out my hand he took it, pulling me into a  
tight hug for a few moments. "I'm so glad, Sis. I  
thought I'd lost you for sure when we heard about that  
train crash."  
  
Train crash?   
  
Sitting back I stared at him in confusion. "George,  
what are you talking about?"  
  
Now it was he who looked confused. "The train crash,  
when we all thought you were dead for over a year only  
to find out that you had amnesia." A light dawned I  
his eyes suddenly and he growled a small curse under  
his breath. "You don't remember, do you? I should  
have never opened my mouth! Of all the stupid things  
to do."  
  
"No, please... George, tell me what happened. I need to  
know." He shook his head, his mouth clamped shut.   
George would say no more. "All right. Just do me a  
favor please. Don't tell anyone that you told me. If  
they think I know they'll think I know all of it and  
the truth is that I don't. I don't want to get their  
hopes up until I remember all of it."  
  
Nodding he led the way down to the ground and we  
entered the house in time for breakfast. The meal was  
almost finished when Julia announced that we needed to  
go shopping again for a dress since we hadn't found  
one the last time. I looked to Miss Alice but she  
gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. She  
wouldn't be joining us today. I was going to spend  
the whole day alone with Julia. My mind kept  
replaying the words I'd heard last night and I prayed  
for the strength to make it through the day.  
  
We were heading out the door when Neil pulled me aside  
for a moment. Placing an encouraging kiss on my cheek  
he whispered, "You'll be fine; try not to look so  
scared, Lass. Just get to know her for who she is as  
a woman."  
  
Nodding I took a deep breath and smiled at him before  
joining Julia at the gate by the end of the walkway.   
Smiling at her we were off for another dress shop on  
the other side of town. The walk there was relatively  
silent. We tried to make idle chit chat for a while  
but everything she mentioned I didn't remember so we  
fell silent. Walking side by side I tried to think of  
something we could both talk about a topic we would  
both know. Before I could think of one I glanced over  
and saw that she was looking at something that was  
ahead of us.  
  
Following her line of sight I saw a young mother  
holding the hand of her little girl, both mother and  
daughter laughing at their own private joke. It was a  
sight that would warm anyone's heart, one of love and  
laughter, peace and joy. One day I hoped that would  
be me, with my daughter and that we would have a life  
filled with that sort of love for each other. Looking  
back at Julia I was shocked to see a tear resting on  
the brim of her eye and I felt as though I had seen a  
whole other side to the prim and proper woman I'd  
begun my walk with.  
  
This woman was more than just a woman of society, she  
was more than a wife to a man I knew to be my father,  
and more than a hostess to my friends and I. She was  
a mother. Even if I couldn't recall her as being my  
mother I could tell that she was, first and foremost,  
a loving mother. One who's daughter had returned from  
the dead but held no love for her own mother in her  
heart. From the bottom of my heart I felt a love  
surge forth. I still could not remember Julia as my  
mother but I felt a love, an awe and respect for the  
unselfish love she was showing for me.  
  
Not once had she said a harsh word to me. Never had  
she openly asked if I remembered her. At no time had  
she given one indication of how much my lack of memory  
hurt her. From the moment I met this woman she had  
offered me the love that I saw reflected in her one  
tear. She had never asked for anything in return,  
only hoping that perhaps I would remember the days we  
had spent together as mother and daughter, the pair  
ahead of us a vivid and painful reminder to her of  
what was not.  
  
I looked at her with a sense of astonishment, esteem  
for all that she had suffered in silence filled my  
heart, replacing the nervousness, the fear at being  
alone with someone I barely knew. Suddenly, walking  
down the sidewalk of a busy street I realized that I  
wanted to know this woman. I wanted so very  
desperately to remember the times we had spent  
together, the love she had for me and the love I had  
for her. This, above all else, was what I wanted.  
  
"Please," grasping her arm to stop her from walking on  
ahead of me. "I... I want to tell you something."  
  
Julia stopped and smiled at me, a forced sad smile but  
her attempt was brave.  
  
"I wish, I wish very much that I could tell you that I  
remember all those years we spent as a family. But  
the truth is that I don't, at least not yet. However  
I want you to know something." Taking her hands into  
mine I met her eyes, hoping that the newfound respect,  
esteem, and love would shine through all of my doubts  
and fears. "I do love you, very much. And I am glad,  
beyond words, at knowing that there is a woman who is  
as strong and loving as you are that can love me as a  
daughter despite all the pain I have caused. One day  
I will remember all the times we spent together but  
first and foremost I will always remember this moment,  
right now, when I realized how much I love you and how  
very much want you in my life."  
  
What had been a single tear in one eye became many  
filling both before my own stinging ones. I meant  
what I said and until I remembered my years with my  
mother I would love this woman for all that I had seen  
only a few moments ago. Removing one of her hands  
from mine she placed a dainty glove to my face, her  
trembling smile no longer sad but filled with hope and  
love that shone forth so brightly I prayed that my  
words would prove true with the speed of a lighting  
bolt.  
  
"Well," she said with a deep breath, her hand wiping  
away the tears that had fallen. "We had better be  
going. The dress shop is still three blocks away."  
  
Walking side by side once more I reached out to take  
her hand in mine, our hands joined as a mother and  
daughter's should. When we reached the dress shop I  
stopped dead still and stared at the dress in the  
window. The simple skirt fell to the floor in a  
shower of lace and satin, pearl drops shimmering in  
the light as they dotted the lace in all the right  
spots. An empire waist and long flowing sleeves  
finished it off with just the right touches. It was  
perfect!  
  
Going inside we asked to see that one and when I tried  
it on I felt as though I were truly floating on a  
cloud. This was my wedding dress. It was simple yet  
fashionable, a perfect blend of both worlds.   
Smoothing my hands over the skirt, staring at the  
mirror I met Julia's eyes in the reflection and we  
both smiled. This was the dress I would marry Neil  
in. This was the first dress I would wear as Mrs.  
Neil MacNeill.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
That night we were sitting at the dinner table, the  
entire group, enjoying the meal when Julia broached a  
topic that would lead to much more than she had ever  
intended.  
  
"When do you think you shall be returning to your  
Cove, Neil?"  
  
We glanced at each other for a moment Neil answered.   
"I doubt we can stay any longer than the week, Julia.   
I must return to my patients, Christy to her school,  
and Alice to the mission work. As much as we would  
all like to stay longer it simply cannot be."  
  
She smiled at him. "I was speaking with a friend of  
the family, Peter Rimball, and he asked if I could  
introduce the two of you. He was hoping to meet the  
man who saved William's life."  
  
When she said the man's name I watched a look of  
wariness come over my fathers face and I wondered at  
it. Who was this Mr. Rimball? Why did my father give  
a look like that one when she mentioned him?  
  
"I don't think Neil is going to have the time, this  
visit, dear. Perhaps next time," he said to her, his  
eyes connecting with hers, sending a message I  
couldn't quite understand.  
  
"Nonsense, William, there's still a whole day before  
the wedding. Neil has his suit thanks to your trip to  
the tailor's this afternoon and the ceremony and  
dinner are all planned. I think it would be all right  
if they met tomorrow for a small talk."  
  
Her eyes were sending a message to him as well and a  
feeling of distinct uneasiness settled in my bones.   
Something was going on here and it didn't feel right.   
"Who is Mr. Rimball?" I asked when silence had  
reigned. "Is he someone I knew from before?"  
  
"No dear, you've never met him," Julia answered, her  
tone making it clear that the discussion was over.  
  
My father had other ideas. "He's a doctor that's  
recently moved into town. His office's are down on  
Elm Street and he's looking for a partner."  
  
That was the real reason she had brought it up, I cold  
tell from the look in her eyes. She was trying to  
find a way to keep me here, in Asheville. "Every  
time!" I groaned, putting my fork down on the table.   
Looking to the end of the table I met her eyes.   
"Every time you try to do something that will keep me  
in Asheville! Why can't you simply understand that my  
home is in Cutter Gap? I'm not meant to stay in  
Asheville, Mother, and I don't appreciate all the  
attempts at keeping me here when you know that my  
heart is in the mountains with my children."  
  
No sooner had the words left my mouth than I wished I  
could take them back. Once again I had let my  
emotions speak before I gave consideration to the  
effect my words would have on her. Excusing herself  
Julia left the dining room. Hanging my head for a  
moment I knew I had hurt her, the progress of this  
morning thrown out the window by my one comment.   
Excusing myself I left the quiet room and went in  
search of her, knowing I had to set things right  
between us.  
  
A few moments later I found her sitting in the parlor,  
a handkerchief twisted in her hands and a pained look  
in her eyes. Standing in the doorway I realized that  
this was not the first time I had gone after her to  
make amends for my runaway tongue. This was not the  
first time I had defended my home in Asheville to her.  
Staring at the woman sitting in the parlor I realized  
that the love I had suddenly felt for her on the  
street this morning was not simply because I respect  
her as a woman. I loved this woman because she was my  
mother. Crossing the distance between us I knelt  
before her.  
  
"Mother..."  
  
Looking down at me, her eyes red with unshed tears, I  
heard a small gasp escape her lips and saw the  
realization dawn in her eyes. With one word she was  
undone. Tears spilled forth as she wrapped her arms  
around me, hugging me, her daughter, tightly to her  
breast. The tears that spilled forth were tears of  
joy, a mother and daughter truly united after too long  
a separation. Releasing me after some time she wiped  
away her tears and gave a small laugh.   
  
"Look at me, I must be a mess."  
  
"You look beautiful," I smiled at her. "I'm sorry I  
spoke so harshly, I had no right. You were only  
trying to help."  
  
"No, you were right. I do try to keep you here in  
Asheville with me. I miss my little girl, you live so  
far away and after everything that's happened I was  
afraid that I would never see you again once you left  
with Neil."  
  
"Oh Mother, I'll never leave you forever. Even if  
we're not in the same city I will always carry you in  
my heart. You're my mother, I love you."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Sixteen  
  
  
  
  
Fire.  
  
Burning flames that licked at my skin. I ran as far  
and as fast as I could but there was snow everywhere.   
Every step I took I slid back and had to take it  
again. The fire kept dragging me towards it, trying  
to force me into the flames along with everything else  
it was consuming. I kept running, with all my might I  
tried to get away, fighting the fire to escape its  
heat. Running, falling, running again I fought to get  
away.  
  
Finally I won; I was safe at the edge of the forest,  
away from the fire and flames. Turning back I looked  
to see the people staring at me as they stood within  
the flames, their bodies on fire but they took no  
note, each one staring at me as I stood at a distance.  
From my spot at the forest edge I looked to see what  
looked like a snake, twisted and circling, its head  
smashed against a large sheet of ice, its body twisted  
into a winding 'S' shape as the fire burned it. But I  
knew it wasn't a snake, it was something else.  
  
Watching the fire burn I heard the scream of a hawk as  
it flew overhead. One scream turned into two, those  
two into four and those four into eight. Each scream  
multiplying until it echoed in my head like a  
never-ending noise, splitting my head in two from the  
pain. It hurt, my head hurt so much. Cradling it in  
my hands I pulled them back to see them coated with my  
blood, sticky and red, bright red against the paleness  
of my skin. Flakes of snow fell onto my hands only to  
turn crimson, disappearing into the blood.   
  
Disgusted, head still pounding, I looked back towards  
the fire and I saw the people reaching out to me,  
begging for my help as the hawks screamed overhead.   
There was nothing I could do. They were so far away,  
my head hurt so much, the fire was too hot; there was  
nothing I could do, no way I could help them. As I  
stood there watching them I could smell the stench of  
the fire as it burned their skin, their hair, their  
clothes along with everything else.  
  
Suddenly the fire exploded with a brilliant flash.   
Stumbling back I closed my eyes against the brightness  
and the heat. I heard the people calling to me, the  
hawks screaming over their cries and I screamed as  
well, the pain in my head becoming unbearable. Make  
it stop! Make the pain stop! But it wouldn't stop.   
Another explosion forced me to step back, a third  
knocking me off my feet and I fell into the snow, my  
blood melting the white crystals where it dropped from  
my head. I knew I needed to open my eyes, I knew I  
needed to look at hat had happened but I couldn't.  
  
'It's all right, Lass.' I heard him calling to me,  
his voice echoing in my mind and my heart. 'It's okay  
to look, it's okay to remember.'  
  
I knew he was right. It was time for me to open my  
eyes and look at what was before me. The time had  
come for me to face the things that were calling out  
to me. I couldn't avoid them any longer. The time  
had come. Mustering my strength I turned my face to  
the heat and tried to open my eyes. When I opened  
them I saw that I had been right.   
  
It wasn't a snake... it was a train.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Someone was shaking me.  
  
My throat was raw, sore. Had I screamed? Opening my  
eyes I saw Miss Alice bent over me, her hands grasping  
my shoulders as she shook me to wake me from my  
nightmare. But there was no waking from this  
nightmare.   
  
I remembered.   
  
I remembered everything.  
  
A sob strangled me; I couldn't breathe. Gasping for  
air I fought to get out of the bed, out from under the  
covers. I needed... I needed... Standing at the edge of  
the bed I stopped and stared at Miss Alice, her wide  
eyes filled with worry and fear. I needed Neil.  
  
"Where's Neil?" I whispered frantically. "I need  
Neil."  
  
"Asleep like everyone else no doubt. Thee woke me  
with thy cries. Was thee having another nightmare?""  
  
No. Yes. I didn't know. Was it a nightmare? Yes,  
but it was a living one. I needed Neil. Crossing to  
the door, forgetting a robe, forgetting everything but  
finding Neil, I opened it to find four people gathered  
in the hallway, each one startled when I flung open  
the door. It was the tallest of the four that I  
needed most. Crossing the hallway I threw myself into  
his arms, my sobs beginning anew at the images playing  
themselves out in my mind.  
  
Neil's arms tightened around me and he leaned his head  
down to rest on mine, his soft voice offering me  
soothing words as he tried to comfort my tears, though  
he had no idea their cause. I couldn't speak; I  
couldn't breath. I couldn't stop seeing the people in  
my mind, hearing their cries, seeing the flames,  
smelling their stench. My tears fell in a torrential  
downpour, the comfort of Neil's voice and the strength  
of his arms were no match for the memories, the images  
that were forever burned into my mind.  
  
My family and Miss Alice watched on in silence, their  
fear and worry plainly written on their faces yet I  
barely registered their presence as Neil lifted me,  
carrying me back to the bed I had fought to get out  
of. Sitting me down on it I refused to let go of him  
as he tried to help me lie down. His hands caressed  
my back and my hair, his soft whispers and soothing  
words slowly drifted their way into my mind and heart  
and I was calmed. Though I refused to let go, my grip  
as strong as the fear the pulsed through my veins, I  
did raise my head from his shoulder and meet his eyes.  
  
There I saw worry, fear, concern and love all swirling  
together in a frenzy of emotions that filled his blue  
eyes. "Lass, what is it? What scared you?"  
  
"We crashed," I whispered in a shaky voice.   
  
I needed to get it out; I needed to tell them what I  
saw in my mind, the images, and the memories that had  
haunted my dreams since the day I had woken up.   
Neil's eyes widened for a moment before he closed  
them. Pulling me close he whispered for me to tell  
him what had happened.  
  
"The train was jerking. I could hear wood splintering  
and the brakes squealing. A woman looked out the  
window and she screamed. Everyone was thrown out of  
their seats and onto the floor. I stood up but  
something hit me from behind and I fell to the floor  
again. My head hurt so much! Everyone was screaming  
when the train began to roll over, we were tossed  
around like ragdolls before it finally stopped."  
  
"The window had shattered so I climbed out of the  
train. It hurt so much but I knew I needed to see  
what had happened. The train was a wreck, it was all  
over the place and there was a fire somewhere I could  
smell the smoke. But I also smelled the gasoline; I  
could see it spreading over the snow. But the fire  
was heading toward the large tanks of gasoline and I  
knew they were going to explode."  
  
"I could hear all the people screaming. They were  
trapped and hurt but there was nothing I could do, the  
fire, it going to explode. So I ran, I ran towards  
the woods, there was a forest. I was already there  
when the tanks exploded, one after another. The  
screams stopped, I couldn't hear them anymore.   
Everyone was dead except me. It was snowing and I  
knew I needed to find shelter so I kept walking. I  
fell but I kept going until I couldn't get up again.   
I thought... I thought I was going to die."  
  
All while I told my story Neil held me close, his arms  
never wavering in their strength. I stopped several  
times, my voice barely above a whisper, as my tears  
choked me; the images burned into my mind, seeing them  
each time I blinked. Finally I stopped, the  
nightmare's tale complete. They already knew the  
rest, how Jira and her family had taken me in and I  
eventually came back to Cutter Gap.  
  
Huddled within the safety of Neil's arms I saw Miss  
Alice with her hand over her mouth, eyes filled with  
tears. Her other arm was wrapped around her shoulders  
for comfort as she had listened to my story. George  
stood next to her, his hands jammed into his pockets,  
eyes wide and a little shiny. Blinking rapidly to  
stop his tears he turned his face away but not before  
I saw the first one fall. My mother and father were  
holding each other tightly, their arms around each  
other for support and comfort much the way Neil and I  
held onto each other.  
  
They had all heard my story.  
  
Looking up at Neil I saw him staring down at me, tears  
shining unshed in his eyes. Those blue orbs I loved  
so much were filled with pain and sorrow and yet at  
the same time love and joy. I had finally remembered.  
Memories that had eluded me, ones that I had prayed  
and wished for were finally revealed as though I had  
known them all the while. How could I have forgotten  
all those things that I held so dear? But I didn't  
care. All that mattered was that I had remembered; I  
was here now, with my friends, my family and the man  
that I loved with all my heart.  
  
Dropping my head back onto his shoulder I sat there  
with Neil even after the other four had moved away.   
The room was lit only by one candle; its light casting  
shadows everywhere. It would be a long while until I  
would be able to see a flame and not remember the one  
I had escaped from. Yet it was also a reminder to me.  
Life had tried to knock me down but I had faced its  
challenge and won.   
  
I was alive.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
Once more I was standing before a mirror, smoothing  
the skirt of my wedding dress. My hair was curled and  
left loose to hang, the way Neil liked it, and I had  
just the faintest hint of lip color on my lips. In  
the mirror I saw my mothers reflection to my right and  
Miss Alice's to my left. Both women, both of them a  
mother to me, had tears in their eyes and shaky smiled  
on their faces. Turning away from the mirror I  
stepped down from the stepstool and stood before them,  
a bride on her wedding day.  
  
"How do I look?"  
  
Mother came forward to me and gently kissed my cheek.   
"You look beautiful. My daughter will be a married  
woman now. You're no longer my little girl."  
  
"I'll always be your little girl, mother," I told her  
as I hugged her.  
  
"But I am afraid there is one thing missing from thy  
appearance today." Looking at Miss Alice I saw her  
smile and pull a small piece of cloth from her pocket.  
Opening it I saw my necklace, the one Neil had given  
me. Lifting it from her hands she clasped it around  
my neck, the pendant hanging in just the right spot,  
as though it were designed to go with this dress.   
"Now thee is ready."  
  
Looking down at my necklace I looked back up to her.   
"But this was broken."  
  
"I had it fixed for thee so thee may wear it on thy  
wedding day. It is after all a symbol of everything  
thee have worked for these last two years."  
  
I could feel the tears begin to sting at my eyes but I  
banished them. There would be many opportunities to  
cry but I didn't want now to be one of them.  
  
"Miss Alice, I can never say everything I want to, to  
let you know how much you mean to me. At a time when  
I thought I had no mother you were the one who had  
filled my heart with a mothers love. I am honored,  
happy beyond words, to have you as my mother-in-law.   
Now we can truly be a family."  
  
Abandoning her control I watched as a tear slid out  
from her eyes and down her cheek. Reaching out Miss  
Alice drew me into a hug for a few moments before  
there was a knock on the door. It was the organist  
announcing that we would be starting in a few moments.  
Wiping our tears and doing a final check my two  
mothers left to take their seats and I had a few  
moments alone. Turning back to the mirror I stared at  
my reflection once more, not seeing myself so much as  
my future.  
  
With my mind eye I could see little red headed,  
blue-eyed children clinging to my skirt and playing by  
the fire as I worked to prepare our evening meal.   
Neil would be home any minute after making his rounds  
in the cove. School had gone well that day, the  
children were making such fine progress, but now it  
was time to concentrate on my own children. I was  
putting the last of the vegetables that were needed  
into the stew when the door opened and Neil strode in.  
Tossing his saddlebags to the floor he picked up the  
first of his children to reach him, a little girl.   
All of them soon surrounded him as they played lions  
and tigers in the main room.  
  
"Girlie?"  
  
Starting at the voice, pulled from my imagination, I  
turned quickly to see my father watching me from the  
doorway. Smiling at him I crossed the room and kissed  
his cheek. "You look so handsome, Daddy."  
  
His soft eyes met mine and he smiled back. "I was  
just going to say the same for you. You look  
beautiful." Hugging me for a moment he released me  
and took my hand in his. "Let's go see if we can't  
find Neil. Someone said they saw him this way," he  
teased as he pulled me toward the main room.   
  
Standing in the doorway, seeing all the friends and  
family that were sitting in the chairs that filled my  
parents house. I was glad we had opted to be married  
from my childhood home, it was so much more intimate  
than in the large churches of Asheville. Looking past  
all the people that were gathered I saw Neil standing  
next to the preacher at the other end of the room and  
my heart skipped a beat. He was so handsome in his  
suit with his hair brushed back. Thankfully he had  
not slicked it back as I had thought he might. Those  
sandy red curls that I loved so much were left free to  
hang about in a slightly wild state, though they were  
much more tame than usual.  
  
Walking down the aisleway with my father we stopped a  
few feet away from Neil and he walked out to join us,  
to escort me the rest of the way there. Placing my  
hand in Neil's Daddy leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I  
love you Girlie," he whispered to me. Turning to face  
Neil his face was serious. "You take care of my  
little girlie or you'll answer to me Doctor."  
  
"I promise," Neil answered with just as much  
seriousness.   
  
The two men shook hands with a smile and Daddy turned  
to sit down next to my mother while Neil and I stood  
before the preacher. I honestly don't remember much  
of the ceremony, I spoke my part and Neil did his, but  
other than that it's a blur. What I do remember is  
the feel of Neil's hands covering mine, their rough  
calluses scratching over my soft skin in an  
ever-present reminder of his effect on my life. Neil  
had shown me more than once that life in the mountains  
was not soft and pretty, that it was hard work. Yet  
he had also shown me the many rewards that came with  
the hard work, the love, the laughter, the beauty and  
the peace.  
  
Suddenly I felt myself turning to face Neil, looking  
up at him as he lowered his lips to mine in a soft  
kiss that held the promise of so much more. His touch  
was gentle but I could feel the passion, the love that  
was held within it. When he pulled back his hand  
reached up to wipe away a tear that had fallen from my  
eye.   
  
"I love you," we both whispered at the same time, our  
hearts linked as one.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Memories of the Heart - Chapter Seventeen  
  
  
  
Lying under the covers of our bed, wrapped up in  
Neil's arms, my mind traveled back in time to the  
morning after our wedding.   
  
We had stood on the steps of my childhood home saying  
goodbye to the family I had only recently remembered.   
My mother had opted to say goodbye in the house so  
that she wouldn't make a scene in public. George had  
already left, needing to get back to school, and Daddy  
stood next to mother as we walked away. I had stopped  
to look back and wave before I had to get into the  
carriage they had hired to take us to the train  
station.  
  
Once there I had stopped still, unable to move. After  
many minutes of talking, comforting, cajoling,  
soothing, promising, Neil finally convinced me to get  
on the train. The ride seemed to go on forever as I  
sat in my seat, rigid as a board, jumping at every  
squeal of the brakes and lurch of the train. Shaking  
like a leaf in a storm I clung to Neil who sat beside  
me while Miss Alice tried to read comforting passages  
to me from her bible. When the train finally stopped  
in El Pano I was the first one off, thanking God that  
it was over.  
  
from that moment on it had been happy times for my  
married life. We had returned to the cove and found a  
cabin filled with gifts from the people of Cutter Gap.  
None had a name attached to them but many we  
recognized. A beautiful quilt from Fairlight, a  
portrait of us, very lifelike, from Becky O'Teale, a  
pair of pillows with our initials stitched on them  
from Opal. But there was one that we couldn't place.   
A silver picture frame that was just the right size to  
hold the picture of Neil and I, which had been a gift  
from my parents. We later found out that it had been  
a gift from Miss Alice. She had raced on ahead to the  
cabin while we had been caught by well-wishers in El  
Pano.  
  
That Sunday, our first as a married couple, the cove  
had given us a celebration after service. Music,  
dancing, food and fun had ruled the cove that day as  
everyone celebrated not only our marriage but also the  
return of all my memories. Life had quickly turned to  
normal in the cove; people working hard, Neil  
doctoring the cove with Dan Scott, and me teaching at  
the school.  
  
Winter and Spring had both come and gone and now  
Summer was here with a vengeance. I knew I needed to  
get breakfast ready before Neil needed to leave but  
first there was something I needed to do. Rolling  
over so I was facing him I poked and prodded him  
annoyingly until he finally cracked open one of his  
eyes to glare at me. Seeing the smile on my face he  
raised one eyebrow in confusion.  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"All right," sitting up against the headboard  
struggling not to yawn. "Let's talk."  
  
Climbing into his lap, trying not to laugh aloud with  
the sheer joy that was coursing through my veins, I  
took his hand in mine, toying with his fingers.  
  
"I love you."  
  
Neil smiled at me. "I love you too. Now what did you  
want to talk about?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
With a small laugh he kissed the tip of my nose. "I'm  
glad to hear that, but what did you wake me up?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
Neil sighed. "I'll never get tired of hearing that,  
Lass, but why did you wake me up?" I opened my mouth  
but he but me off. "And if you say you love me one  
more time I'll kick you out of this bed."  
  
I saw the laughter in his eyes, the teasing  
seriousness I his voice, and decided to grant his  
order.  
  
"We love you."  
  
Opening his mouth to say something he stopped suddenly  
as the words sank in. Taking the hand I held in my  
own I placed it over my stomach, repeating the last  
words I had spoken. All at once I saw the laughter  
flee his eyes, replaced by wonder, awe, love, joy and  
many other emotions I couldn't describe.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
I nodded. "It should have been here three weeks ago.   
I'm pregnant."  
  
After another moment of shocked silence Neil laughed  
and pulled me to him, his arms crushing me against his  
chest. Excitement reigned as we spoke about names and  
additions to the cabin, moving the bedroom downstairs  
so it would be easier for me. All through breakfast  
we talked and planned and once the dishes were done  
Neil declared that we were going to the mission to  
phone my family.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
"Hello? Daddy? I'm going to have a baby!"  
  
Standing at the mission phone I relayed the good news  
and soon I had spoken to my mother and my father, both  
thrilled beyond words. Handing the phone to Neil I  
whispered that mother wanted to talk to him, no doubt  
to make sure I would be well cared for. As he took  
the receiver I saw Miss Alice enter the mission from  
her morning walk. Running over to her I enveloped the  
dear woman in my arms.  
  
"Miss Alice! I'm going to have a baby!"  
  
Shocked for a moment she soon smiled, laughing with me  
as I told her everything. She would be a grandmother,  
I would be a mother, and Neil would be a father. As  
Neil hung up the phone he came over to us, shaking his  
head. No doubt mother had talked his ear off with  
warnings and orders, what to do and what not to do.   
But I was too excited to feel bad for him. This day  
could get no better.  
  
No sooner had I thought that thought I heard a  
familiar voice calling out from the mission yard and I  
saw a secret smile play over Miss Alice's face.   
Curious I went outdoors to see hard cover wagons and  
horses filling the mission yard. A woman was walking  
towards me and my feet began to move before my brain  
had registered who she was.  
  
"Jira!" I cried.  
  
Running towards each other, sister reunited after too  
long a separation, we hugged each other tightly and I  
could feel tears brimming in my eyes. I had missed my  
dear friend so much these last few seasons. There was  
so much to share! Breaking away from Jira I saw the  
rest of the family approaching and I greeted each one  
of them with love. Only once I had reunited with each  
of them did I go back to Jira, pulling her along with  
me to meet my other family.  
  
"Jira, this is my husband, Neil."  
  
Jira looked at me with a bright smile on her face.   
"You found him at last!" she cried.  
  
"I remember everything, Jira, all of my memories have  
returned to me."  
  
"You must tell me everything, I want to know the life  
my sister has led."  
  
That night the cove celebrated again, this time my  
second family was there with us to dance and sing,  
dine and rejoice. My life was good and while I knew  
there were hard days ahead I was content to know that  
I would pull through them with my families by my side.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Memories of the Heart - Epilogue  
  
  
  
That winter Jira and her family camped in the cove,  
building an addition to the mission house of their  
own, and in the spring, just before they left to  
travel, Jira was with me to sing our song as my first  
child was born. Charles William MacNeill was the  
first of our three children. He was an older brother  
to his brother, Duncan Neil MacNeill, and his sister,  
Julia Alice MacNeill. Each of our children were as I  
had seen the day of our wedding, red haired, blue  
eyed, pale skinned little children with fiery tempers,  
intelligent souls, and loving hearts.  
  
Charlie grew up to follow in his father's footsteps,  
taking over the practice in the cove once he had  
finished medical college. He married a woman, Jancy  
McBride, who was also attending medical college and  
they practiced in the cove side by side, eventually  
opening a clinic in El Pano.  
  
Duncan decided to follow his grandfather's path and he  
became a lawyer. After college he was invited to  
practice in my fathers firm and became well known for  
his charity cases, helping those who could not afford  
to pay him very much. He too married; a woman named  
Cynthia that he loved very much.  
  
Our only daughter, Julia, was too like her mother for  
her own good. No sooner than she could walk and talk  
than she was teaching other children to do the same.   
When she returned to the cove from a year of college  
she took over teaching the next generation of children  
in the cove. After many years she felt the call to go  
out west, where teachers were sorely needed. It was  
out there that she found her husband, a cowboy named  
Richard Duggen, and they happily married three years  
later.  
  
My other children, the children of the cove, also grew  
up and moved on with their lives.  
  
Bessie and John married, they own a prospering honey  
business now, the tricks of the trade John had learned  
from his father along with an earnest desire to work  
hard had helped them build and grow their business to  
support their family of six.  
  
Rob Allen now runs the Allen mill. He had gone off to  
college for a few years and when he had returned he  
revolutionized the business. His passion was still  
writing and he had a book published a few years ago.   
The story of Bonnie Prince Charlie. Rob had married a  
young woman he met at college. She had grown up in  
the west and knew what a life of hard work was. She  
fit in well in the cove. They too had a family, four  
little children that they called their kin.  
  
Mountie, quiet, shy little Mountie shocked everyone  
when she left the cove quite suddenly. A few years  
after she had left though she returned. She never  
spoke of where she had gone until one day she confided  
in me over a cup of tea. Mountie had gone to the big  
city of New York to see Lady Liberty like she had read  
about in one of the newspapers. While there she had  
taken a job and lived on her own but every day the  
mountains called to her until she decided to return  
home. Mountie had seen the outside world and decided  
she like her mountains much better. She became the  
teacher at the mission school when Julia left for the  
West and continued to teach there to the day it  
closed.  
  
Many of my children have moved away, gotten married,  
found good jobs in the city, and continued on with  
their lives but they will always remain in my heart as  
my children no matter where they go or what they do.   
  
My heart will always remember.  
  
  
  
The End  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


End file.
